i hate this old journal... i always hate my old journals. maybe i should make a new one. a public one. 'cause right now i feel like sharing. :) yeah. i'll do that. fuck this old shit. its from when i was fucked up. it can die. the past is dead and buried.

havent written in here for a while. i feel bad. i had two best friends. we were a wonderful trio. they're still a wonderful trio, they replaced me with my sister. i left them for a lifestyle a little more rock and roll. i still wasnt the first one to get laid. gutted. ive always been jealous of my sister. she had the rabbit. and now she's got the hamster. but dad still wont let me get anything. i saw a bearded dragon in the new reptile shop just opened. fell in love. it was adorable. £45. if i got a job i could get that. ive been thinking of getting a job. but yeah. dad says no. fuck you then. my friends were talking of getting a lizard. all my friends are talking. they're all getting dyed hair and piercings in the summer. with my fucking parents i dont stand a chance. i'll be ordinary. why the fuck did they put me through this? my friend couldnt understand me. he'd give anything for the stability i have. i'd give anything for parents who dont give a shit. for a reason to rebel. for a broken home. with the kind of upbringing i had - parents who cared, good education, so much fucking stability - i could've turned out fine. i have to sabotage this. going out on the piss again tonight. im going to get wrecked. stoned. laid. whatever. the fuck. i want. 'cause they never gave me a reason. i want to fucking fight! im gonna fucking live forever! so fuck you. all of you. you screwed me over by never. screwing me. over.

or not. it didnt happen. told you. i have a huge maths paper to do today. i'll do my chemistry over the week. i cant be arsed with going out any more. no point. everyone and everything makes me feel like shit. i just want to sit at the computer and draw forever. if only songs were as good as their lyrics. i always click the 'latest journal' and 'latest comment' on this site, and i'll find some random lyrics and they'll appeal to me, but then i youtube the song and its shit. this entry's a waste of time. im just pissed off cause my plan didnt go to plan. oh well. ive got a year and five months of weekends to get this done. it'll happen. i wish my phone would start working again. i want to read those 'walking with angels' lyrics i wrote.

ive only got tomorrow left. to do my chemistry project. and to lose it. hmmm. one or the other. no wait. last time he nearly pulled off both. ouch. i dont think its gonna happen. the angels are screwing with me. or this is meant to happen. im thinking maybe to give up and forget about it. 'cause stuff only happens once youve done that. once you give up hope, it'll happen. i just cant stop myself thinking and hoping. maybe its 'cause its the holidays. maybe it'll be easier during term time. cause thats when the last two happened. and, y'know, third time lucky. or. maybe. things have changed. and this is what we mean by 'priorities'. ? ughh. please let me do this? you know how scared i am. ..now im suddenly terrified all my friends and angels are leaving me. my phone broke. it doesnt like rain. at all. it hates it. unlike me. so i take it everywhere, and i take a lot of walks in the rain. when it gets rained on the keypad fucks up, and after last night its gone completely. i cant even put my pin code in. so ive gone all day without texting. its quite scary. i wonder if people are wondering why im not replying to their texts? cause people are always texting me. maybe ive pissed someone off. or not. ive found the song though. the one i listened to on the walk home yesterday. Shiny Toy Guns. You Are The One. i love it. and im writing a story. yeah. (come on, tomorrow. this sort of thing happens on Sundays.)

went to Oxford today and yesterday. its prep-infested but its a damn sight better than here. Yesterday i went with Mum and Spo. bought some new shizzle. got some smart looking tops from Primark. and these grey skinny jeans. i really wanted some teal ones but they didnt have any in my size. all 14 or over. and i am size 10. is that skinny? i dont know. i remain self-conscious. and some new tops from New Look. (DOMO SHIRT FTW

Things have gone crazy and back again. on the 30th i got a text from Nige saying that Channy was right. i mean wtf. i ran out of credit at that exact moment though, and couldnt text back and interrogate the bitch. But then the next day it was like.. no that didnt happen. WHY DOES THAT ALWAYS HAPPEN. Something fucked up will go down, i'll be major freaked for the rest of the day, and i'll wake up the next morning and it may as well of never happened. and you wonder why i think im going crazy. 'cause i went to Nige's on the 31st, before i went to Channy's. And we were just talking about shit and it didnt come up and yeah. i'm actually starting to believe that Steph exists, however, so we've made progress somewhere. But yeah.. we were watching the Hits on his tv, and The Fray came on, How To Save A Life. it had to be that fucking song didn't it. On the 31st December. And i'd have stayed up with you all night, had i known how to save a life.. That song always makes me cry at the best of times, but on that day? The last day of December? One exact year to the day when my best friend was going to die and i didnt even know about it, let alone be able to do anything about it? Thankfully i managed to keep it together in front of Nige, but yeah. i left soon after. walked down that path between the feild and the astro, with the ditch and the benches. good memories about that place. i really did feel like crying at that point. i just switched Chester on and held my head up high. i made it home fine. then Danii, Ash and Joe turned up. instead of waiting to see me at Channy's, they'd actually come to get me themselves. them lot in my house. god. last time they were round was Hallowe'en. i remember Mum actually thought Ash was a girl. har de har. still finishing later.

turns out he wasnt ignoring me, my messages just didnt come through. x3 so i went out and met up with Ben and Nige, and I DIDN'T GET PISSED OFF WITH THEM! (Y) Breakthrough breakthrough. but then they went to golf. so i went and saw Baize.. ent seen him in like, a week. he said he was getting withdrawal. xD its kind of weird seeing him with short hair again. haha. apparently it looks better when he gels it up. and he had a cool shirt. and he said he's like, THAT close to getting with Martha. its all very tense. so caught up with Baize.. then went home. woop de woop woop! listened to the murder trilogy on the way home. i am ACTUALLY gonna write a story based on the murder trilogy, its THAT cool. :3 i love Laura and Geo. no ones reading this. why am i telling them?

Friday was nice. i was out with Emily, Dani, Ash and Channy, and they were all getting on. finally. the four of them have been scrapping it out over petty reasons the past few weeks, but on friday everyone was cool. it was nice. then i went to Emily's for a sleepover. it was the first sleepover ive been to in like.. a year. not counting Coleman's party, but that was more of a 'i need to crash here 'cause i cant go home when im this out of my face' than a 'can i sleep at your house tonight please?' anyway. we watched Pulp Fiction and the Boosh seasons 1 and 2. it was damn funny actually, Ems started describing sexual fantasies. xD she guessed who it was i was thinking about. then brought up Brandon Flowers. its nice to have friends who know you that well. Nige was being a proper decent friend and all. i was telling him how confused and screwed up i felt, and he said i should 'look on the bright side and not the bad side.' i mean.. thats my exact outlook on life. and i love Mr Brightside. it really cheered me up. i was meant to be going round his house today, but i dont know if i am anymore. Ben came on msn earlier and from what he said it sounds like him and Nige are out later. i'll probably join them if they are out. which is a bad idea i know, as they're probably going to be right cunts. they'll try and nick Chester and throw her in a ditch or something, thats for damn sure. but whatever. i still want to see them. i always do. Nige 'cause i have matters to pursue with him; for one, why he hates Emily so much when she's done jack; for another, why he was drunk and texting me when he was supposed to be fucking his girlfriend. and Ben 'cause, well, yeah. i like seeing him. he went on webcam when he was on msn, and i was like 'ahh.. you're pretty.' stupid whore. i was talking to the angels when i came out the shower this morning, quite literally pleading with them. i can be right pathetic. but seriously, i have insane hope that today will be a good day. maybe. oh come on, angels, please, help me out here.. so yeah Nige was meant to be fucking his girlfriend when he was texting me. 'cause everybody thinks she doesnt exist, Nige's girlfriend. Steph. and i'm being the decent mate and believing him 'cause i resolved to never abandon my friends again. but the thing is.. i dont believe him. not just the Steph business, a hell of a lot of shit. half the stuff that comes out of his mouth, i'm thinking: 'hmm.. well..' which is why ive set out to prove that Steph exists. 'cause if she does, well, i kept to my resolution and stuck by my friend. and if she doesnt, then.. well, i'll have uncovered the truth. it sounds kinda mad, doesnt it? making up an imaginary girlfriend. but i can see his reasoning behind it. try and make Alex jealous or something. try and make himself look better. i can see why someone would be driven to that kind of thing. after all, it turned out that she had imaginary people too. 'she' being one of my two best friends of all time: Geo. Geo's always kept us entertained with tales of her best (non-Laura/TD) friends; Blake, Tom and Sophie. only it turns out they dont exist. yes, really. i cant really get my head around it.. theres so much that theyve done. Blake got hit by a car, saved a kid from drowning and was gonna move to Ohio. Geo used to fancy Tom like hell. Her and Sophie sneaked the two guys into their school once. they hung out at the Eaves, and it sounded wonderful. i must say i admire Geo.. it was such a brilliantly well-constructed fantasy. i believed all of it. kind of still do. she thinks i hate her 'cause she lied to us for so long. completely the opposite. i dont feel resentment, anger, hate, anything like that. i love her even more, if anything. im so glad she came clean. (see, if Nige only came clean, then i wouldnt resent him at all..) and anyway, i owe it to her to stick by her. 'cause it was this time last year, this exact day, when i let her down so horribly. it was this time last year, the last few days of December, she was down to die. and i wasnt there. and i've never forgiven myself for it, and i dont think i ever will. but ive kept to my resolve: 'Never abandon your friends.' ..i think Nige is ignoring me. ive texted him twice and left him messages on Bebo, and he hasnt replied. he's probably gone out with Ben. ah well, i'll sit in my room and draw like the cool kid i am 83 right, this is fucked up man. do you notice my tone change thoughout this journal entry? probably not but whatever. there's two people talking. the first, the person who's been talking for my entire journal previous to this entry is Ame, All Midnight Eyes, a realist who says 'fuck' a lot. the second, who keeps trying to show herself in this entry, is TD, the Tulip Dragon. TulipDragon was my old deviantART account, and now ive returned to dA its like im turning back into her. shes hyperactive and uses a lot of smiles. i'd write journal entries on that dA account, and the tone of that journal is a HELL of a lot different to the tone of this one. probably 'cause i've changed a LOT since quitting dA as TD. (Doom Dragon battle tune is playing! i love this song 8D) but now i've returned to dA as Ame. (Y) and i've got another tab open as im writing this, so i can browse dA while i think of what to write. and i go back to the happy TD frame of mind. Oh no, Doom Dragon changed to 'By Myself' by LP. this'll bring me back down to pissed off Ame's frame of mind. im such a schizo. i talk to angels and think of myself as two people, so who am i to judge those who need imaginary best friends and girlfriends? but i didnt judge either of them, you dick. You love Geo and Nige same as always, even if they do have imaginary people. made me think. wonder if any of my friends thought Laura and Geo were imaginary when i first started talking about them? of course, i can prove their existence completely, its just a thought. yeah, i bet he is ignoring me. Cunt. oh well, i got drawing pens and an iPod. i can keep myself amused.

RULES: 1. Put Your iTunes, Windows Media Player, ETC on Shuffle. 2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer. 3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS. 4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name. 5. Put this on your journal. If someone says, "Is this okay?" You say? Mr Brightside. (well.. when people ask me if im okay and im not i take a Mr Brightside attitude.) How would you describe yourself? All She Wrote (this song does indeed describe my life story, so we're doing well so far) What do you like in a guy/girl? Tokyo (i like Tokyo? :3) How do you feel today? What Is It To Burn (nahh.. i dont feel what it is to burn right now.) What is your life's purpose? 37mm (i dont know what that means. ): the lyrics are quite close to my angel theory though) What is your motto? It's A Hit (nahh.. should've been Move Away.) What do your friends think of you? An Adept's Home (fuck knows. xD) What do you think of your parents? Lazy Days (um. lazy days in with my mum... i dunno. not really.) What do you think about very often? Tranquilize (what this song represents to me, yeah, i think about it all the time..) What is 2 + 2? The Little Things Give You Away (obv.) What do you think of your best friend? Bananaphone (sums it up nicely) What do you think of the person you like? Techno Damage (damage is right. but he's hardly techno. Lol.) What is your life story? Out Of Reach (always after something just out of reach.. not really. all i ever wanted had always been within my reach.) What do you want to be when you grow up? Into Oblivion (Reunion) (returning from the open sea? well, that is something i'd like to end up doing..) What do you think of when you see the person you like? Nails For Breakfast, Tacks For Snacks (ouch.) What will you dance to at your wedding? Dead! (well bloody thank you.) What will they play at your funeral? These Colours Don't Run (quite an epic song, wouldnt mind) What is your hobby/interest? Somewhere I Belong (well, this place i belong interests me greatly.) What is your biggest fear? F.U.N. Song (SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS (Y)) What is your biggest secret? Mama (no.) What do you think of your friends? Everybody Falls (i'd play this to a fair few of my friends, yeah.) What will you post this as? Bang The Doldrums. (fair dos.)

"You should be thankful for the end to your plight. They came from above and took you out of the night. the sign above the door should read: 'Welcome To The Scene'. but it don't, leave your coat, you dont care what it means. couldnt see words for lines, you misread the signs, now its out of your hands if you live or you die. Now you're in, you're in. Your heart has been lost. You hope for the best instead of fearing the worst. He says: "it's alright. Get those pills down your throat. And maybe something else, but we'll see how the night goes." The outfit screams 'cheap'; take a bow; you're unique. i remember a time when i followed the rules. Have me in your bed, just not in your head, 'cause time's easy wasted and feelings are cruel. Through the mist and the darkness he looks to the sky. "This town looked so much better when i was high." He treads a path that i dare not follow. Your words make me spit 'cause they're so hard to swallow. She screams to the night: "No, it's not alright. i'm not ready for it but i dont want it to die. i'm only here to come along for the ride. i didn't mean to get involved on the inside. now the future is fake and the fantasy's real. took wounds to the heart that time will not heal." The outfit screams 'cheap'; take a bow; you're unique. i remember a time when i followed the rules. have me in your bed, just not in your head, 'cause time's easy wasted and feelings are cruel. Now hope for the worst and fear for the best. Live out your dreams in a state of undress. Welcome to the scene for which you so hard thought. Life in their world is not what you thought." Written last night. i hate half of it. it's exactly what goes through my mind.