i miss all the people i use to love. they're the trolls under those bridges now. i'm not the third of anything so i don't understand these riddles. it's not because i'm lonely, it's just that these new friends are ripping me apart in a different way. i'd give anything for it to be you letting me down and two-facing it. i don't think i've ever hurt so badly. it's like shitty friends version 2. i'm jumping into lakes with all my clothes on and coming home at all hours of the night. my bones are starting to stick out again and i'm okay with that. i keep having to take breaks from writing because i'm getting choked up. i know how stupid i sound, but that's just how stupid i am. 'Coz you left the frays from the ties you severed When you say, "best friends means friends forever"

i was just thinking about heath ledger. he had such a beautiful smile. he really made an impact on the world. poor guy. i'm honestly wigging out. i don't know how else to describe it except with that archaic term. i feel like i'm growing up too fast and that the lost boys have pegged me a lost cause. it's almost funny how my brain is protesting these chemicals. i'm getting a 95 in the math course. almost like a, 'don't fuck it up' notice. i know as soon as my blood tastes them for the first time, i'll be ruined. all the roads will be marked, and all of my nerve gone. i wish i could increase the weight of these matters. it's just been tough lately. i can't really explain too much. i guess sometimes i just sit and watch all the bridges leading elsewhere burn. i can't rest my face in my hands though. the smell of kerosine makes me nauseous. all the water surrounding me is coated in it. only like dissolves like, as you know. i'm honestly unhinged. just watch me fall through the crack and come out a skeleton.

all the particles in my brain that hold any sense are breaking part and eroding because you're the acid and my eyes are vacant funnels. but i go crazy whether or not you're here. this is such old news, i don't know why i keep repeating myself. i know i sound all irresponsible and right now, but really, i'm insanely disciplined. i'm doing next year's math course this month to get ahead. it's sucks up all my weekdays and then i work all weekend. just strung out, i guess. all my friends are so fucking stupid and i'm so unhappy i could throw up miniature violins. i'm not smart enough to be what i want to be and i'm not stupid enough to do what i want to do. somebody else could make much better use of my circumstances, but i guess that's true for everyone. i don't have enough money to buy love yet, so i'll have to settle for coca-cola, but backwards to avoid copyright issues. if i drown it'll be in chemicals.

time is a relative term when it comes to me being glad that you didn't see me seeing you. this is a pun that even you wouldn't get. especially since i said you reminded me of bukowksi and you don't know who that is so i probably sounded like an idiot. anyway, it's been about two years. just thought i'd miss you a little bit. i just don't like the past. if i'm not learning from my mistakes, why should i have to remember them? all it does is sharpen my flaws coz "failure is angular". oh well, thanks for not raining on me during my long walk home. i saw lev yilmaz's "tales of mere existence" on youtube and myspace more than a year ago. then this year, in march, i was on a KLM flight from amsterdam to toronto, when i saw it on our in-flight TV. it blew my mind. isn't it great when you love something before it becomes prevalent? four episodes of "house" and two episodes of "the office" were also on the TV. best airline ever. unfortunately, this specific one was not available on the flight, though it is my favourite.

meaning is near impossible to find. i suppose it's because "teenage girl" is synonymous to "overemotional." everyone seems to feel different than everyone else but that just makes us all the same. i don't like it when i call somebody's name to tell them something and then they say nothing back but still expect me to know that they are listening. maybe it's because i'm new and all, but really, it's still common courtesy. at 15, love displays all the characteristics of an an overflowing landfill. full of candles that are just about shot and boxes of chocolates with only the gross pieces left. at times you just want to dump the entire mess into the ocean and watch it sink so deep and so far that you think you'll never have to feel that way again. and that's about the time an environmental activist will huff and puff and hand you a subpoena. there's a really funny whitest kids U know skit where this stupid couple want to live underwater and the girl's father is trying to talk her out of it. thinking about it though, wouldn't it be terrifyingly beautiful if it was possible? i always thought the sea held some sort of absolution. i sort of picture it as the place we go when we die- cold, blue, and final. you know, kind of like the way a person can say goodbye without any words. oh well, i guess i'll laugh it off.

i got a job! i'm in this musical number where i sing some solos! i'm making new friends! i'm getting closer to older ones! my grades are slowly improving! i'm not as moody as i used to be, but it's taking a little time take effect. sleep would speed things up a bit, but being busy is good for me. on a very serious note. i heard a few whispers about a willy wonka in our school. a scary but a well-supplied one. he supposedly has something to numb your mouth and mess with your nasal cavities. better now than later? gosh, all i know is that i have an empty guitar.

there's no use in being upset. nothing gets accomplished and there's no satisfaction. just get mad. when you're angry, you're more likely to let the other person know. when you're upset, you just keep it to yourself and the feeling of resentment increases. i just wish people were more straightforward. a lot of feelings would get hurt but there would no lasting resentment. i'm too tired. i don't want to guess anymore.

GODAMMIT. this book i just read was great but everyone you ended up loving died. you were told this before you even finished the first chapter but you read the damn book anyway. the difference is that in the first chapter, you didn't love the characters. but by the end you're a complete mess. it makes me angry, things don't have happy endings but that doesn't mean you don't love them all the same. maybe it's because i'm deteriorating. "just keep moving" is my solution now. i will never understand the holocaust as long as i live. world war two even. no matter how many history courses i take, in french or not. or the stupid pink post-it note bookmark that i barely used. don't you wish you could be absorbed into a moment? and that could be your heaven. not some proverbial cloud sealed off with golden gates. himmel. not even the recycling of souls. people never leave them in a good enough state to be reused anyhow. this isn't making any sense but hell, i'm waking up in moments and forgettings how i got there. time has boiled over and is melting on all reason. i don't understand stress or urgency. i wish you wouldn't make opinions on this. i don't even want to think about what anyone will think. fifteen and then sixteen and then so on and so forth. it's never too late to make your life matter. to make yourself memorable. but you need to remember how got here and what made that journey possible and if applicable, the catalyst. it's okay if you forget though. you just won't feel it as much as you would have if you didn't.

i suppose it could be from getting nightmares from playing too much minesweeper. strange that you learn the most about colours when you read about death. and you know instantly that i'm either from the uk, or some commonwealth country by the way i spell certain words. if it really mattered enough, you could read a little deeper into things. i don't understand much but it's easier when you see people as chemicals. oil and water both have chemical formulas but you can't mix them. one is a polar molecule and the other isn't. this metaphor is becoming too literal to make any sense. i'm not good at much, but i try anyway. i'm more of a wooster than a jeeves. there is a great difference between personality and brains. if i don't go to sleep now, it won't qualify as early anymore.

hopes&dreams are afflictions. motivation is just another form of aggravation. i don't want to be home anymore. i'm scared of math and chemistry. i might mess up some more and my grades won't go up. i'm sick of being recycled, i just want to throw myself away. i don't want a future that is any less than my "hopes&dreams." nothing else matters to me and i'm still nowhere near it. i keep getting worse and i keep trying harder. i know what tyler durden said about self-improvement. but self-destruction just lands you in the damn psych ward.