If you don’t wear armour Your skin becomes the armour I peel it off and leave it in the armoury I sink into the bath and clean my wounds I could spend days in there If I wasn’t so restless I pace then race then disgrace I stay calm Sound the quiet alarm She adds more pebbles everyday As a crow I swallow them I think they’re working but I wouldn’t know So I go to work

See the breeze. Heart on sleeve. Make a match. Watch it weave. Stay on track. Don't let go. Walk me over. Where you go. Live out loud. Dream then sleep. Take me back. All I lack. I'll come back. Where to go. Not here though. Let's go West. Breathe the sea. Swim the breeze. Let me free. Rule of Three.

<p>No matter what<span style="font-size: 0.8em;">There's still water</span></p> <p>Corruption and chaos can reign outside</p> <p>But stillwater</p>

I’m feeling the jaws of my subconscious snapping and tearing at me.

Life is Good

I’m fleeing out of reach of those fangs and they can hardly get a grip.

Hate is Real

I’m moving forward but the ground beneath me is rolling back.

Truth is Gone

I’m sinking into the depths of what is unreal and the real is dissipating into smoke.

God is Here

I’m seeing the eyes watching me as I sway side to side and yet they don’t move.

Death is Light

I’m losing the way and the map is too bright for me to know where I ought to go.

Love is Now

I’m finding you even when you’re not with me so I can’t be lost.

Peace is Here

I’m looking at the face of fear yet I feel less scared of what’s reverse.

Joy is Found

I’m following the route because the only way is through the hurt.

Mind is Matter

Matter is Mind

what I leave behind

is all you’ll ever find 

 

I met her through this site. She knew me but how much did I seek to know her?

hell she fucking died in October

and I just found out now

felt like getting punched in the stomach

by something you barely knew

or never really tried to

last thing she wrote me was on a picture from when I went to Tokyo 

she said she was happy to see me around again and that she missed me

man I told her I missed her too and hoped she was doing well

who could've known she died 6 months later

and left behind her two beautiful kids

fuck dude I'm sorry

i saw your photo last night and thought I'd hit you up

and little did I know that I never could 

I'm sorry Kim 

---

“the last cigarettes are smoked, the loaves are sliced,

and lest this be taken for wry sorrow,

drown the spider in wine.

you are much more than simply dead:

I am a dish for your ashes,

I am a fist for your vanished air.

the most terrible thing about life

is finding it gone.”
-Charles Bukowski

I’ve decided to give it another 5 years

i had a complete sobbing breakdown in the middle of the Hiroshima station and my boyfriend and I talked it out. 

We’re both sick, he has bipolar type 1 as well as schizoaffective symptoms. We both take our medicine religiously so we’ve been relatively stable for a year. We’re going to keep trying, he apologized for the harsh things he said and I apologized for being difficult.

I’m in Okinawa now and it’s  beautiful, it’s very hard to be sad when you can see a beach right outside your terrace. We were supposed to go surfing today but the North wind decided to be strong. 

Yesterday we went tubing and jetskiing and I tasted the ocean for the first time. 

Ill be home next Friday and I have an insurance certification exam to study for. I have a decent job right now and my coworkers and bosses are very kind. They stood up for me when an insurance broker tried to swing her clout and get me fired for reasons beyond my control. I never realized how terrible tow companies actually are I started handling claims. 

so I’ll see you around, the same way I always do

this may be the end, soon.

I’m in Hiroshima and I was in Tokyo, Kyoto, and Osaka. I’ll be headed to Miyajima and Okinawa, then back to Osaka, Kyoto, and Tokyo. I’ll be flying home on April 4th. I don’t want to leave, because....  

well, here is an excerpt from Pete Wentz’s old journal that sums it up because...

“tokyo, japan 2

i am put at ease somewhat by the inevitablity of strange and dark days. not light but the opposite, it is inevitable. this hotel room overlooks a city that i do not understand when usually i am overlooking cities that do not understand me. i dont have any "start over" left inside of me. i wish anyone would understand. all roads lead to longing. the neon signs never turn off here. there are oceans inside of me.”

-Pete Wentz

I’m here with my boyfriend but we’re falling apart to the point where I don’t think I believe in love anymore. I lost all my friends and I don’t get along with my parents. I can’t blame anybody but myself. In our last fight, he called me “fucking dense” and I’m breaking. We’re headed toward splitting up and I’ve been crying so much on this vacation I can’t afford. It‘s same story in a different continent. I can’t escape my self.

I wish there was a word, a line, a way but I’m drowning in the madness. I’ve gone psychotic twice, I’ve been hospitalized so many times, and I’ve seen so many professionals and taken so many medications. There isn’t a cure. So I turned to God and I begged for a sign. I’ve written wishes in Buddhist shrines. There doesn’t seem to be an end to these times. I’ve made it a quarter of a century, and I think that’s about enough. I have the means, I have a plan, and I have nothing left to stay for. I can’t go back to the hospital and I don’t believe in love.

so if you read this months later and I’ve left to a different dimension, well, I hope we meet in better circumstances. This isn’t a cry for help. I’m done crying and nothing helps. I’m not sorry and I won’t miss you, but thanks for the kindness you showed to a kid who never deserved or appreciated it. I never learned to forgive and never could forget.

if this is goodbye, well, be good. bye.

Thoughts on Cancer:

Cells in our body are constantly dying and being replenished. Cancer occurs when there is an error and cells multiply at an accelerated rate, creating a tumour. A benign tumour occurs when the body is able to rectify the issue. A malignant tumour occurs when the body cannot fight the cell growth. Chemo works because it targets the fastest growing cells. However chemo also compromises the immune system. I think the best cure for cancer is meditation.

 

Theory of Brain Inflammation Causing Mental Illness

I follow the stress-diathesis model which posits that internal physiology and external stressors both impact the brain. Cortisol, or stress, causes brain inflammation and depending on the localization can cause a plethora of issues, including mental illness. It’s the truth because there shouldn’t be a nature/nurture debate. It’s both! There isn’t a cure, but there is a reason. So, we can stop blaming people for being sick and help them with the tools they have, before it’s too late. And as Bukowski said, there’s nothing worse than too late.

“How did she look?” Ramone groaned as he peeked out of his shell of blankets. 

“Good. You know she always does. Don’t know why you keep asking,” I sighed. It was hard to stay sympathetic after three months of answering the same question everyday. 

“Because maybe one day she’ll look as ugly as she is inside!” He exclaimed with melodramatic anguish.

“Listen, dude. I love you. We all do. But you can’t keep hiding from her and Ricky. She chose him and she let you down easy.” I tried my best to be as kind as possible as I massaged my temple in an attempt to repress my irritation.

“She is a cold, heartless... she-devil! A creature of darkness and despair! Why am I the only one who sees that!?” He cried out in his whiny, juvenile way.

“Yes, I know. It hurts when the people we love don’t love us back. But it’s been three months, Ramone. It’s time to come back to work, or at least find another job. They’re not going to let you stay home for much longer.” I sat down beside him and patted his head in what I hoped was a soothing manner.

“I’m going to stay here and die alone, like all of us do in the end anyway!” As he sobbed, the mountain of blankets shuddered and torn up candy wrappers fell on my lap. I couldn’t take it anymore. I stood up and ripped away the blankets, revealing a pale, shaking chest and stained sweatpants.

“Ramone. This is it. Get in the shower. Get changed. We’re going to the park for some fresh air.” I said as sternly as I could manage. He didn’t say anything in response, but he stood up weakly and ambled to the washroom.

I surveyed the apartment of my emotionally devastated friend, and decided to start with the overflowing trash can.

I draw marigolds

And let them curve

Between the folds

Watch the rooms in a city

Dressed up in finery

Always dark

Or always curtained

Let me peek between the times

The good the glad and the lost souls

Listen to your laugh

And let it explode

Tiny knives that disappear

Marking the soul beneath the skin

Listening in

Living in the present

Dragging out the peasants 

Listening to your smile

As I rip my heart from my throat

And force it into your eye socket

So you can see the damage 

You did to me

I could break into your old house and smash your dads shit

I could send all the chicks you like pictures of your diseased dick

But all I do is try to be present and good and kind

As I try to swallow down the fact that you’ll never be mine

I don’t know how to let people go

 But I swear I’m learning

One day at a time

I need some new friends

And I promise to make the time

You couldn’t handle my worst

But neither could I 

I needed you to make my heart work

And now my life is a faint squiggly line

I know you’re happy in that big city you moved to

I just hope you remember the girl who used to sing to you

And never wore make up

Because she didn’t care what she looked like

When she thought she was already loved

The girl who wore the same 2 pairs of tights

And never wore a bra

And smoked too much weed

And too many cigarettes

Her car was full of trash and still is

And she was always late

But she brought you flowers every week

And always sucked your dick

But I guess I didn’t care who you were

And I guess you didn’t either

And now you’re a big shot lawyer in a big city with a fat bank account

And I guess I don’t fit into that

And I’m trying to move on

But the betrayal weighs heavily on my heart

And I don’t have anyone I can talk to

 

We’re just a buncha cells fuckin anyway

Why the fuck you gotta call me bae

  

If I had your baby in a toilet

I’d flush