The heart roared with the cheers of the newly elected
No longer siphoned by the cold and calculated
Wandering listlessly through the burgs
Dreaming of chi town
Living in horse town
Couldn't cope with cadence
Couldn't harness templeton
Your love was all I wanted
But I didn't care what you wanted
Your love was all I wanted
And now I just want to run away to Japan
But I never learned how to suffer
And I'm too scared to start now
Maybe my dreams will never come true
Sometimes I don't know if I want them to
Your love was all I wanted
Now I don't want anything
And I'm free

maybe if I free myself
I can find myself

may

be

Getting to know someone is like taming a wild animal
We're just glorified animals

I might've killed the next Hitler
I might've killed the next Jesus

Christ

---

stuff i think about when I'm stoned:

"sometimes all we need to be able to continue alone
are the dead
rattling the walls
that close us in." -Charles Bukowski

Anxiety that cracks like eggs in your veins
Sometimes the problem is that you're standing in the chalk art
Human beings are mold in the tupperware that is earth
You can take the girl out of the culture
And you can also take the culture out of the girl
Culture is not only deep rooted
It is also transient and fragile
People want to think their suffering is unique

Resilience is the answer

Listening to: You! Me! Dancing! - Los Campesinos!

i tell people i'm off social media because its distracting, but it's mostly because my life feels so dull compared to everyone's vacations and love and achievements. i'm scared someone saw me peeing beside my car today while i watched IT crowd. who wants to hear about that? well, whoever is reading this i guess. all 3 of you. xoxo lots of love.

is being a stoner degenerate cool? i wouldn't know. i had lunch with my drug dealer at this place that can basically be described as a fancy hooters. he paid and then we went to this park and sat in silence for about 13 minutes until i said i had to go home and study.

but we both know i didn't study. i just took a nap. not sure if that's going to mess up my weed supply, but i don't care. i don't want to sleep with my drug dealer. and i offered to split the bill. but who am i justifying myself to? we both know he wasn't buying me bruschetta for my health. but i dunno.

unspoken social contracts aren't binding and i would stop hanging out with my drug dealer if i had more satisfying relationships in my life. i thought about joining the anime club, but that will probably be pretty similar to my attempt at joining the 3ds club. all the people who enjoy my hobbies are usually even stranger than i am. i'm just complaining to avoid accepting that i'm wasting my life away. 

guitar is going poorly. still stuck on wonderwall and feeling disheartened that it's already 2 months in and i'm not jimi hendrix. i want instant gratification but all i have are irritated finger tips. thinking about buying phosphorus strings, but you can't buy practice and talent. 

things get better in spring, but i haven't been doing much to make it that way. sometimes i wish i could take a couple of seconds to rearrange my life without the winds of time rushing thru my ears. but i'd probably use those seconds to get high without anyone bothering me.

what a curse to be denied the things i shouldn't want. 

I guess you could say we met in a vacuum
Or in all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world
Your breath or my breath 
The bottle, the brine, the brainless 
Tumbling and tasting and tolerating 
God I miss you 
I never figured out which of us was the villain 
But I'm the one telling a story as old as crime
It ends with, "you were never mine."

Sometimes the universe lines up just right

and the half-moon looks like the arrowhead of a galactic arrow 

Notched upon a bow made from Orion's belt

or maybe I'm just high in my car by myself at 4 in the morning 

either way

I'm alright?

where the fuck is my whirlwind romance?

I'm 22 and rude to guys on tinder. It's my pathetic attempt at hiding my insecurities with harsh cleverness. I don't pity myself, but I do dream

and dream I do well. It's about all I do decently. I'm been learning how to play the guitar again. So far I can only play Wagon Wheel and Pumped-Up Kicks, poorly. I have my first lesson tomorrow so, who knows, maybe it will be music that awakens my soul or whatever.

I've been reading like my mind is starving. It's so much easier to disappear into Ender's Game or Percy Jackson and the Olympians. I love children's novels just as much as serious ones. I have about 120 pages of psychopharmacology to read and it's nice to slip into a cheerful adventure. I'm envious of their fictional friendships. I feel incapable of forming the same bonds and it's just nice to live vicariously through characters that find a place to belong. 

My group of friends has never been the most cohesive and lately, we're fragmented by old wounds and purposeful absences. People who once slept in the same bed refuse to be in the same room. And I'm one of them. I make new friends, but honestly, maybe it's not other people that are the problem. I haven't truly connected with anyone in so long. And I'm so insecure that I'm not even sure if the friends that I have are going to stick around. Petty slights, missed invitations, and microaggressions soak our ties in gasoline and I'm always tense in fear of a spark. It feels like a protracted end in some ways, but I haven't given up (as downtrodden as I may sound). I put together plans, I invite people, I show I care. But it never feels like enough. And that's my fault, isn't it? My fault that I'm not satisfied? My fault that I don't know how to ask for what I want or my fault that I'm too cowardly to admit what it is? My fault that I live in fiction and find nothing but fault in reality?

I hate asking myself questions.

I always know the answers

I just never like them.

Sometimes I hate that I chose to study psychology and hate myself for fitting the stereotype of the crazy person trying to find themself, but that's what I am

I'm drowning in pages of literature that sometimes hit too close to home, but the problem with psychology is that there are no real hard answers. There isn't an equation that can help you find a satisifying relationship. Sometimes it sucks and sometimes it sucks less. Some of my closest friends are going ghost on me and I know that they will never be straight with me about it. People would rather lie to themselves and others than to allow for a final dissolution. Instead they ask where I've been and I lie and say that I've been busy, but we both know the truth. They don't invite me out much and they're always busy when I ask them. 

People just drift apart sometimes and I'm reading about how people avoid the destruction of relationships as much as they are motivated to create them. But I've given up. How far can you put yourself out there until you fall off? I'm not much better. I'm not always great at keeping in touch, either. I've cut out a lot of people too and maybe this is my karmic redemption. But I had my reasons, so maybe they have theirs? Anyway, I'm trying to keep my nose to the books while I try not to be sad about not having a secure base and slowly try to make new friends as best as I can. 

I know the only for me to get out of this little big city is to get my bachelor's and find some school in some place in europe. I don't feel like I'm running away, moreso that I've overstayed my welcome and it's time to leave. 

Sometimes a beam of sunlight melts into the room
And burns apart the darkness
But it doesn't get rid of the pain in my chest
As my heart shudders and trips through the beats
I would like to breathe sleep
Yet like Atlas I weep

i'm slouchin at my cubicle listening to people talk about the problems they've created themselves.
i volunteer at a suicide hotline, so in some ways you could say it's the blind leading the blind
but i dunno what i'm doing

do you?

i think about the problems i've created for myself
i'm overwhelmed and crabby from life's mounting pressure
people are getting sick, people are dying, and all i can do is whine and listen to people whine

i've stopped talking to a lot of people because i realized how i let so many people treat me poorly because of how low my standards were
being alone is sad sometimes, but not as sad as being lonely
my definitions:
alone - no company
lonely - no companionship

i'm still holding up my wall of optimism but i feel like i built it too close to the ocean and in high tide my high hopes flow like sandy mud thru my weary fingers

but i'm not scared of the ocean

---

"I loved you
like a man loves a woman he never touches, only
writes to, keeps little photographs of. I would have
loved you more if I had sat in a small room rolling a
cigarette and listened to you piss in the bathroom,
but that didn’ happen. your letters got sadder.
your lovers betrayed you. kid, I wrote back, all
lovers betray"
-Charles Bukowski, excerpt from "An Almost Made Up Poem"

What a night tonight was

drunk, alone, but still elated at the end of the night

am I destined to be alone?

i laugh to myself

I've drifted on and on through this senseless reality

trying so very hard to understand the rules set upon me by this world

that I so casually inhabit 

cherishing my fate but cursing my inadequacy to live up to the honour of the privileges set upon me

im happy that I am a part of this world if only for this moment

where I write in this same stupid journal I've written in since I was fucking 13

i haven't changed all that much

if anything you could say I've regressed 

but I'm doing alright and the world is an okay place to live after all

so I hope you're doing alright too