I am so upset. It's official. He is moving the end of August, and will be gone for 4-6 years. I have never cared about a guy so much. I like him so much, and now he's leaving. He says he doesn't want to leave. It is just hard to imagine him being gone. All my friends are moving it seems. It's horribly depressing. Not to mention I've been dropping friends left and right these days. It's like I just want to start new, so I'm slowly just destructing my life. Shit. My mom ran into one of my old good friends. I had told her that I don't care to be her friend anymore, and I was exceptionally rude about it, even though she hadn't even done anything. Anyhow, she was babysitting her friends baby, and my mom helped her change the babys diaper in a McDonalds bathroom. Like what the hell? I need to stop crying, because my friend is coming to get me soon. He is taking me out for coffee. He doesn't know that I'm all choked right now.

K this is just silly. My leg hair grows too fast. I wish it wouldn't grow at all.

Well I went to his house again a few nights ago. I know I shouldn't, but I just can't help liking him so much. Too bad he is moving out of town for school in a month anyhow. I'm so bummed. My best friend and I are still not talking. This morning I went out at 2:30, and didn't get home until about 6:00. Still though I couldn't sleep until about 9:00 am. I'm out of sleeping pills, which is such a pain in the ass.

Fuck fuck fuck. Everything is going so wrong. Nothing is how it was suppose to be. I don't know what to do.

Thailand isn't happening. I just fell to peices. I was looking forward to it more than anything I can remember. Now I dont know what I will be doing for that month. School I suppose. Not to mention I won't have a best friend for nine months. Fuck I'm so upset about this. Men are jerks. The world is full of jerks, its just kills me.

I really hate him.

My best friend and I went kayaking today. It was so much fun, healthy too. Kayaking so is great. Really I can't wait to travel. I have lot's of travel plans, starting with Thailand with my best friend. Then my older brother and I might take half a year give or take, and go accross Canada working and just exploring. Him and I get along so well and it's something we both really want to do. It would be amazing. That won't be for a while though, but we will both take a semester off college to do so. After Thailand my best friend and I are taking a roadtrip down to California, which will be great as well. Things are shaping up. My life feels like a, horrible cliche, rollercoaster.

I can't believe I cried last night. What wrong with me. I'm not the type of person to fall to peices over a guy. This has got to stop. Now. Forever. Somehow I know it won't though. Really I'm the worst when it comes to self-destructive cycles.

so so on the edge nothing but edges from all angles

shitty