My nose is stuffy. My head hurts. My throat is sore. Hello strep throat. How are you? I haven't been sick in the longest time. I guess I was due. I'm not liking it one bit. Sitting still is not my style. It was so nice out today. I wanted to run around outside and wash my car. Oh well. There is one perk about living in Florida, everyday is nice. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel like a million dollars. I need to considering I have work at 6am, but I'm sure I'll feel the same. Deal with it Samantha. Life won't stop for you. Note to self: Don't handle expensive electronics while intoxicated. Note to Larry: Why won't you love me? Note to Cristina: Fuck off.

Minutes feel like hours when I am here. That little red hand on the clock moves slower each time I glance over at it. Boredom has never felt so boring. This is a normal work day. This is hell. When will time travel be legitimate? Men...you can't live with them, but you can't live without them. Which one am I going to call tonight to help fill the void(I wish a certain someone would call, because he is the only one who could really fill the "void" tonight.)? I fall in love too fast and too hard. I'm beginning to think I'm an addict. It's better than an addiction to heroin, right? Then again, heroin might be easier on my nerves.

...find something true, someone like you. My neck is cramped and my foot is swollen. I'm tired from the medicine I took not too long ago. Why am I still awake? Logic is left out in the rain when love enters the picture. I've been hurt and used. I want to hate him, but instead I lead him deeper and deeper into my soul. So many caring people want in, but the gates are impermeable. There has been a system malfunction. I wish I knew more about my hardware so I could fix this glitch. I just want to dance alone tonight.

Tonight was semi-fun. Don't get me wrong, I am still very upset about the past few days, but hanging out with new friends definately eased my suffering this evening. I learned that sex drinks are overrated and wakeskating will be my new hobby. I also came to the conclusion that Frances and I need to hang out more. "Good Deeds" was spent alone. I should've attended part 2 alone as well. Instead I watched my heart fall onto the Social's floor while he proceeded to walk all over it. I'm still trying to clean up the mess. The rest of the night was spent riding in the trunk. I decided that I would rather drive home alone with a knife in my chest than suffocate in that god damn apartment. Bad fucking berries. It's 4:30am. Brian, along with the entire state of New Jersey, will be here in 3 hours. I'd say it's time to hit the hay.

I need to learn how to be OK with myself. I need to learn to appreciate who I am and realize that I am important. I need to stop settling for less and putting myself on the line for people who only take and never give. This is a task easier said than done. I think this will be a constant struggle. A plan is needed. A change is in store. I want to go for a drive. I wish Orlando wasn't a giant highway. Sometimes nothing soothes the soul better than a back road drive. I miss Montana and it's nothingness. You could drive for hours and still be the only human being within a 20 mile radius. Everytime I drove through the great plains, I pretended to be in a movie. I imagined the helicopter swooping camera angles, making circles around me. I would always listen to this one Rainer Maria CD. I would drive so fast. In the mountains it was different. I'd pop in Canyon and drive like a snail, taking in all the night time shadows the moutains made, swaying back and forth with the curves of the road. I'd always imagined myself letting my car drive itself off one of those cliffs into the Missouri. My car would float down the river back to my house where I would watch the northern lights until I fell asleep on my front porch. I didn't need anyone then. Life was pure and sweet. I would give anything to go back right now.

...and it plays through my head over and over again. I spent most of the day floating around. Nyquil has a way of drugging me for a week. My pupils are the size of baseballs and everything I touch feels like candy. Escaping everyday reality is nice every once in a while. My room smells like gerbils. I have a headache and don't feel like spilling my guts tonight. Fin.

Tonight I ran. I'd like to run for the rest of my life. Start something new and shed the old at every second. The past haunts me and the future repeats itself. I can't seem to run far enough. I need to keep training myself to run faster at a greater distance. Soon I'll be running marathons back to back to back. Tomorrow I will bring him a slurpie. I will be under appreciated and feel unloved. I will go home the next morning feeling as though we've made zero progress. Why do I do this on a regular basis? All this wasted time at being so good for someone comes as natural to me as breathing. My selflessness is going to be the end of me. I'm taking 3 days off of work for spring break. I need to get away to a white, sandy beach, alone. My thoughts and I need a vacation.

Working at 6am is killing me. The fact that I'm an insomniac certainly doesn't help. I feel like I have no life. I wake up at 5am, work all day, come home and sleep for hours on end to make up for the lack of sleep the night before. I might awaken later in the evening to eat or go for a run, but I mostly lay in bed and watch the History Channel in my waking life after work. This is not fun. This is not funny. Luckily the cycle ends Wednesday.

I'm rarely at home anymore. When I am there, my evenings are depressing and lonely. It's what happens when you constantly want to be near someone, wanting them to be there every night to tuck you in. There's nothing like waking up to see a comforting face peacefully sleeping beside you. It's been 2 years since I've felt this way and it's scaring me. I don't know if I want this to happen. Pain tends to follow me like my own shadow. Now I believe that I'm running into hurt instead of running away from it, but I'm tired of running. It's time to take a chance. Time to make that jump. Hopefully someone will be there to catch me.

Enter. Exit. Enter. Exit. This is life, a giant cycle. Everything revolves around something while rotating on it's axis. Within the revolutions and rotaions, there are smaller and smaller ones. It's how the planets align. There is order in the universe. If I keep this in mind my life doesn't seen so daunting.