i do not get her. i think im most detached with her. i dont even want to go out with her. or talk to her. i realised, i never really had a decent, meaningful conversation with her. i realised that i dont really look at her with respect. shes there, shes there. and thats that. her crazy choices. her STUPID choices. i dont know. i find her immature. hey, i might be wrong. i might regret saying this. but hey, we learn. we learn from our mistakes. but she doesnt seem to. shes more naive, than i think she was. her and stupid fat ass joe. she actually LOOOOOVES him? get a fucking life already lar. if he can cheat his wife, why cant he cheat on you? god. love? please. lust. lust lust. lust. she needs to get herself right. of cos, of course, i am not perfect. of course, i have my fucking flaws. but all im saying, so does she. im pissed. honestly, my respect to her only goes as far as shes genetically older than me. thats that. am i being pathetic? am i a bitch for this? am i evil? am i really selfish? am i really horrible? am i? am i? am i really a bad child? am i? am i?

emotional attachment? i hate it when people are right on when they read me. i hate it that Amy thinks that I should be having feelings for Taz and vice versa. well at least shes right on the former. the latter, i dont think so, or i dont know. i love watching him. and i winced when i see him hugging that dark girl. so close, yet so far? cliche. and touche. right on. right on. godd, so close yet so far. ive slept right beside him for i dont know how many times. so far. so far. so far. this cannot be. i thought i was over him. over over over. but i guess i thought wrong. im not pining as badly as before. but, i hate how my heart flutters, how i will instantly smile when i see him or hear him. so close, yet so fucking far.

so this is it huh? the end of another year. well, thank you for the ups and downs. thank you for showing me that what lies in the heart and in the soul are not always what is found in the words and actions of others. observation is underrated. understanding is underrated. i still love him. my heart still aches when i see him. "how can you be friends with someone you like for all your life?" of cos you can. its just not easy, thats all. i hope 2005 will bring some light to Sheeed. i hope 2005 will bring more joy and happiness to Teeee. and to my dearest Zat, i hope he finds whatever it is that he has always been looking for. and to myself, may i find it in me to be closer to Allah. may 2005 be a better year, for all. for all. amin.

there was this sudden PANG! right there. of cos i can explain why there is one, but i cant explain why its still a PANG! and not just a pang! i read the birthday cards over the years, and i realised you never take me as a bestfriend. i was just a friend. a good friend. a close friend. a friend indeed, when youre in need. then i weigh the years, you never really told me anything. the gap grows as do the years. we talk less. we go out less. we know less. and i wonder why it took me so long to realise it. you made use of me. at almost every step. you only called when you needed something. when youre bored. you were only there when i had my boys around. you didnt care. YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU didnt care. not me, YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. to is the day. the day that they say, you will wake up and realise who your true friends are. and who are not. today, i realise who are NOT. so much for. so much for. maybe this is just hormones talking. but i dont know. i guess, instead of always denying i liked you. i think i was always denying that you never really really liked me. that you never took me as what i took you. well, i hope someday you will feel this pain i feel. of how its like to wake up and to know that the very person you cared about, never cared about you. someday i hope, you will feel this. and when that someday comes, i hope you cried like you did before. amin.

its amazing. i still quiver when i hear your voice. hhahahaha. oh well. =))

yesterday, i got bored. so i checked out fox.com and subsequently that tv show. and i thot, "wow, such fucking resemblance!" maybe its true. that character is like you incarnate. you go!

oh my god! my second 'wedding/marrying' dream! ark! is this a sign, or something? hello? someone, anyone? help needed here. yooohooooo?

i was going to marry my dua pupu! ew! that was the craziest and the saddest dream ever. and i sat thinking, maybe i am really not over him. maybe, he is the one i really want. i dont know. i was all pretty in my dress. my veil. and i just thot whether it was something i really wanted to do. did i really want to marry away? i think it has got to do with my rushed want to just put him aside. sigh. ill always be in love with him.

i think i know what i want to be. i want to be a journalist/writer. i want to be able to write editorials. i want to be on the new york times. i want to know multiple languages. i want to be well to do. i want to be happy. i want to be in Yale. i want my Asian American dream. i love Singapore dont get me wrong. but i just want to be a little exotic. hahha.

it is interesting, yet sad is subtle way, when television helps you through your days. i am much better now, cos i have a distraction. but i wonder, if i hadnt came upon LH, would i still be the same morbid and sad person that i was? i wonder. but you know, now im thinking of my variables. the many choices i have. i choose to mourn and cry and think about you. get all emo up. get all jealous. get all hurt. but why would i need to waste my emotions and tears over you? if we are meant to be, then someday we will be together. but since, that someday isnt here yet. i dont know if we are meant to be. so in the mean time, ill go out enjoy. meet people, have fun. be merry. goddamit, i was so slow on catching on with this 'game'. you went out, met your people. had fun. when i was stuck here, considering everything about/with you. well, im making my move. becareful, cos one more, i might just win. cheers! =))