What I hate is that I could be an awesome person. I could be the It guy. But I'm weak. Physically and socially.
Not to be vain, but I could have the look, I just need to not be underweight. If I had a better build, I'd be a sharp eye. If that's even a phrase.
I'm socially weak. My whole childhood, I've felt like nobody ever cared what I had to say. I've always had problems talking, and I became self conscious of it. So I stopped talking. This was VERY early on.
Now that I'm older and grew out of my shyness a bit, I talk more. Sometimes. Not always.
But when I talk, it's because I'm excited and antsy, so I end up talking Too much. And I try to make up for my lack of social skills by talking a lot, because I'm not used to social situations. So I talk too much. And nobody wants to listen.
Throughout my whole life and even to this day, I feel like nobody wants to listen to me. Which isn't all bad, because I'm a pure listener. I don't talk. I listen.
But I want to talk. I want to be normal. Be able to hold a conversation. I want to be likable.
And I am. I am likable. But when this caged, sheltered side of me comes out, I feel like people don't like me.
The problem is, no matter what, when someone's talking to me, I play along. I give a courtesy laugh if they say something "funny." I act somber and provoked when they talk about their problems.
I can't handle when people don't even try to play along.
And, physically, I think if I were stronger, more fit, the hyperness wouldn't be such a problem. A hyper, fit, hot guy is cute. A hyper, skinny pile of awkward bones is just annoying.
I wish I could tone myself down. I know I'm being obnoxious. But I can't stop myself. I get so antsy. I get too worked up. I get on a roll.
Aurevoir
March 22, 2010
- March 23, 2012
- Cest-La-Vie
- No Comments
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