I have probably listened to this song a hundred times over the past couple of months. While his descriptions are general enough -- "i was staring into the light", "turning up a dial, but I hear no sound", "i wanna find what can't be found" -- and therefore could be about a number of things, I feel really strongly that this song is primarily about bipolar depression. Yes, I know he did the interview where he talked about the pain from his back operation. But having gone through cyclical depression personally and being at the lowest low point these past couple of months, I am amazed at how accurately this song represents my situation.
"Go to bed now I can tell
Pain is on the way out now
Look away and a domino falls away"
The depression cycle. Being consciously aware that mood is on the rise. This transition period between depressed and “less depressed” (I would not say I have an extreme case of bipolar disorder where I am ever “manic”) also signals the countdown until the pain returns. This is the domino reference – the moment the depression lets up, and you turn your focus to enjoying life, the dominos have already started falling and the depression will inevitably return. Expanding on that interpretation – this switching from depressed to “less depressed” is just another iteration of the cycle, and so the domino represents one of the countless depression cycles that you have experienced in life. There were many before and will be many after, just like a line of dominoes.
“I know it's hard looking in
Knowing that tomorrow you'll be back again
Hang your head and let me in, I'm waiting
So long”
My interpretation is that this is an internal dialog with oneself. Between the “Light”(not depressed) and “Dark” (depressed) versions of you:
Light – “I know it’s hard looking in, knowing that tomorrow you’ll be back again.”
Dark – “Hang your head and let me in, I’m waiting.”
Light – “So long.”
Here, the Light/not depressed version of self is telling the Dark/depressed version of self how difficult it is to self-examine while being acutely aware that the current feeling of wellbeing is fleeting. He is resigned to losing himself to the Dark/depressed self, and it’s only a matter of time. The Dark/depressed self picks up on this resignation and mockingly tells the Light to “hang your head and let me in, I’m waiting.” The Light is not impressed and tells the Dark to get lost.
More on this internal dialogue later! E.g. “pull me closer, let me hold you in”
“I was staring into the light
When I saw you in the distance and knew that you'd be mine.
Am I moving back in time?
Just standing still?
I think this is pretty self-explanatory – I was experiencing happiness/well-being when I started to get the feeling that another depressive cycle was forthcoming. “Am I moving back in time? Or just standing still?” The cycle repeats itself and I find myself at this familiar junction of depression. Just as I did a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago.
“I met a man with a broken back
He had a fear in his eyes that I could understand
I can't even shake the hand
Without breaking it”
So I have to reach a little bit here for my interpretation, but I don’t feel like it’s too much. The man with the broken back has a fear in his eyes, because knows that with any action, however small it may be, he could throw his back out and be laid up for months. This is analogous to bipolar depression – any little thing could upset the balance and send you into a depressive state. It’s not a perfect interpretation, but overall it is consistent with the rest of the song.
“I've been pulling on a wire, but it just won't break
I've been turning up the dial, but I hear no sound”
The two extremes of bipolar depression. Manic self pulls on the wire to no avail – it doesn’t matter how hard he pulls, the wire cannot be broken. Not even by the frantic, force of energy that is manic self. Depressive self turns up the dial, in the hopes that he might hear the faintest notes of happiness. To live with depression means that you might not experience any enjoyment/happiness for weeks on end. You try “turning up the dial,” but nothing. It’s like trying to hear sound, but you are deaf. This one really hits me in the feels, every time.
“I resist what I cannot change
And I wanna find what can't be found”
Bipolar depression is not something you can cure by eating better, quitting smoking, etc. It is hardwired in the DNA. No one wants to admit that they are “faulty”, and no one wants to take a bunch of meds with terrible side effects. So we resist what we cannot change. And secretly dream of finding what can’t be found – a cure for depression/to be normal. The 3 lines of “turning up the dial”, “resist what I cannot change”, and “find what cant be found” are so incredibly moving to me. It’s difficult to put into words.
“I'm aware you’re tired and lost
Like a demon in a doorway, waiting to be born
But I'm here all alone, just begging
Pull me close and let me hold you in
Give me the deeper understanding of who I am
Yeah, I'm moving back again, I'm waiting, yeah”
More of that internal dialogue between the Light (not depressed) and Dark (depressed). At this point, they’ve almost become a single voice, as we prepare to transition from not depressed to depressed. I should also mention that there are pieces of who you are as a person that are tied to each of these states of being. Personally, some of my deepest, most insightful, most creative thoughts are only possible when I am depressed. On the other hand, my interpersonal skills, ambition, planning, etc. are seriously heightened during my “manic” phases. So the two are linked, and in order to be whole as a person, you need a little bit of both. Light acknowledges that the Dark self is tired and lost from being away from its other half. Dark then begs (like a demon trying to trick you) that he’s all alone and needs his other half. The Light then concedes and admits that the Dark should “pull him close” so he can “hold him in” in order to get “the deeper understanding of who I am”. Another one that hits me in the feels. Just like “I resist what I cannot change”, this is a line that is all about acceptance of what we are. By experiencing the depth of the hardship brought on by the depression, we can begin to understand ourselves and take the next steps for improving our mental wellbeing.
“I'm just pulling on a wire, but it just won't break
I've been turning up a dial, but I hear no sound
I resist what I cannot change
Yeah, I wanna find what can't be found”
The guitar solo following this final chorus is another perfect representation for the state of living with Pain/depression. He plays a single note, repetitiously, with more and more vigor. Just like pulling on a wire or turning up the dial – you can’t WILL the emotion into existence, as much as you try. I feel the frustration in that guitar string as it tries desperately to play a melody, each picking of the string a fullhearted attempt to bring color to the world.
I can honestly say that no song has moved me quite like this one has. It is a masterpiece.
I have probably listened to this song a hundred times over the past couple of months. While his descriptions are general enough -- "i was staring into the light", "turning up a dial, but I hear no sound", "i wanna find what can't be found" -- and therefore could be about a number of things, I feel really strongly that this song is primarily about bipolar depression. Yes, I know he did the interview where he talked about the pain from his back operation. But having gone through cyclical depression personally and being at the lowest low point these past couple of months, I am amazed at how accurately this song represents my situation.
"Go to bed now I can tell Pain is on the way out now Look away and a domino falls away"
The depression cycle. Being consciously aware that mood is on the rise. This transition period between depressed and “less depressed” (I would not say I have an extreme case of bipolar disorder where I am ever “manic”) also signals the countdown until the pain returns. This is the domino reference – the moment the depression lets up, and you turn your focus to enjoying life, the dominos have already started falling and the depression will inevitably return. Expanding on that interpretation – this switching from depressed to “less depressed” is just another iteration of the cycle, and so the domino represents one of the countless depression cycles that you have experienced in life. There were many before and will be many after, just like a line of dominoes.
“I know it's hard looking in Knowing that tomorrow you'll be back again Hang your head and let me in, I'm waiting So long”
My interpretation is that this is an internal dialog with oneself. Between the “Light”(not depressed) and “Dark” (depressed) versions of you:
Light – “I know it’s hard looking in, knowing that tomorrow you’ll be back again.” Dark – “Hang your head and let me in, I’m waiting.” Light – “So long.”
Here, the Light/not depressed version of self is telling the Dark/depressed version of self how difficult it is to self-examine while being acutely aware that the current feeling of wellbeing is fleeting. He is resigned to losing himself to the Dark/depressed self, and it’s only a matter of time. The Dark/depressed self picks up on this resignation and mockingly tells the Light to “hang your head and let me in, I’m waiting.” The Light is not impressed and tells the Dark to get lost.
More on this internal dialogue later! E.g. “pull me closer, let me hold you in”
“I was staring into the light When I saw you in the distance and knew that you'd be mine. Am I moving back in time? Just standing still?
I think this is pretty self-explanatory – I was experiencing happiness/well-being when I started to get the feeling that another depressive cycle was forthcoming. “Am I moving back in time? Or just standing still?” The cycle repeats itself and I find myself at this familiar junction of depression. Just as I did a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago.
“I met a man with a broken back He had a fear in his eyes that I could understand I can't even shake the hand Without breaking it”
So I have to reach a little bit here for my interpretation, but I don’t feel like it’s too much. The man with the broken back has a fear in his eyes, because knows that with any action, however small it may be, he could throw his back out and be laid up for months. This is analogous to bipolar depression – any little thing could upset the balance and send you into a depressive state. It’s not a perfect interpretation, but overall it is consistent with the rest of the song.
“I've been pulling on a wire, but it just won't break I've been turning up the dial, but I hear no sound”
The two extremes of bipolar depression. Manic self pulls on the wire to no avail – it doesn’t matter how hard he pulls, the wire cannot be broken. Not even by the frantic, force of energy that is manic self. Depressive self turns up the dial, in the hopes that he might hear the faintest notes of happiness. To live with depression means that you might not experience any enjoyment/happiness for weeks on end. You try “turning up the dial,” but nothing. It’s like trying to hear sound, but you are deaf. This one really hits me in the feels, every time.
“I resist what I cannot change And I wanna find what can't be found”
Bipolar depression is not something you can cure by eating better, quitting smoking, etc. It is hardwired in the DNA. No one wants to admit that they are “faulty”, and no one wants to take a bunch of meds with terrible side effects. So we resist what we cannot change. And secretly dream of finding what can’t be found – a cure for depression/to be normal. The 3 lines of “turning up the dial”, “resist what I cannot change”, and “find what cant be found” are so incredibly moving to me. It’s difficult to put into words.
“I'm aware you’re tired and lost Like a demon in a doorway, waiting to be born But I'm here all alone, just begging Pull me close and let me hold you in Give me the deeper understanding of who I am Yeah, I'm moving back again, I'm waiting, yeah”
More of that internal dialogue between the Light (not depressed) and Dark (depressed). At this point, they’ve almost become a single voice, as we prepare to transition from not depressed to depressed. I should also mention that there are pieces of who you are as a person that are tied to each of these states of being. Personally, some of my deepest, most insightful, most creative thoughts are only possible when I am depressed. On the other hand, my interpersonal skills, ambition, planning, etc. are seriously heightened during my “manic” phases. So the two are linked, and in order to be whole as a person, you need a little bit of both. Light acknowledges that the Dark self is tired and lost from being away from its other half. Dark then begs (like a demon trying to trick you) that he’s all alone and needs his other half. The Light then concedes and admits that the Dark should “pull him close” so he can “hold him in” in order to get “the deeper understanding of who I am”. Another one that hits me in the feels. Just like “I resist what I cannot change”, this is a line that is all about acceptance of what we are. By experiencing the depth of the hardship brought on by the depression, we can begin to understand ourselves and take the next steps for improving our mental wellbeing.
“I'm just pulling on a wire, but it just won't break I've been turning up a dial, but I hear no sound I resist what I cannot change Yeah, I wanna find what can't be found”
The guitar solo following this final chorus is another perfect representation for the state of living with Pain/depression. He plays a single note, repetitiously, with more and more vigor. Just like pulling on a wire or turning up the dial – you can’t WILL the emotion into existence, as much as you try. I feel the frustration in that guitar string as it tries desperately to play a melody, each picking of the string a fullhearted attempt to bring color to the world.
I can honestly say that no song has moved me quite like this one has. It is a masterpiece.
@DiggyG OPIOIDS
@DiggyG OPIOIDS