So I guess it's been over 10 years since I've written in my journal here. Interesting how times have changed. I hardly ever come to this web site anymore. I spend most of my time on Facebook now. But I figure I'm more anonymous over here, and nobody is reading my journal entries anyway, so I can write what I want here without having to worry about anyone judging me or criticizing me. I'm mainly hoping that by writing it down, it will help me gain some perspective.
So here I am, 48 years old, and my life hasn't changed at all since I last wrote a journal entry here. I'm still having relationships that don't work out. I'm still falling in love with emotionally abusive men. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to change it. At my age, I want and need stability. I don't want all of this chaos in my life anymore. I don't understand why I still attract the crazy men. I just want someone I can count on. My most recent boyfriend is paranoid and crazy, possibly even schizophrenic. He has admitted that he's supposed to be on medication for mental illness, but when I ask questions about it, I'm the bad guy. Any time I try to talk to him about anything serious, I get told that I'm being disrespectful. Most recently, he dumped me after I was "disrespectful," but what I was really doing was looking out for him and trying to protect him from getting hurt. I don't understand why he can't see that, and why he doesn't want a girlfriend who looks out for him because I'd give anything for a boyfriend who looks out for me. But that's not him. It'll never be him. Now he's not speaking to me and he doesn't want to see me. I'm so sad. I don't understand. I miss him so much.
So I guess it's been over 10 years since I've written in my journal here. Interesting how times have changed. I hardly ever come to this web site anymore. I spend most of my time on Facebook now. But I figure I'm more anonymous over here, and nobody is reading my journal entries anyway, so I can write what I want here without having to worry about anyone judging me or criticizing me. I'm mainly hoping that by writing it down, it will help me gain some perspective.
So here I am, 48 years old, and my life hasn't changed at all since I last wrote a journal entry here. I'm still having relationships that don't work out. I'm still falling in love with emotionally abusive men. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to change it. At my age, I want and need stability. I don't want all of this chaos in my life anymore. I don't understand why I still attract the crazy men. I just want someone I can count on. My most recent boyfriend is paranoid and crazy, possibly even schizophrenic. He has admitted that he's supposed to be on medication for mental illness, but when I ask questions about it, I'm the bad guy. Any time I try to talk to him about anything serious, I get told that I'm being disrespectful. Most recently, he dumped me after I was "disrespectful," but what I was really doing was looking out for him and trying to protect him from getting hurt. I don't understand why he can't see that, and why he doesn't want a girlfriend who looks out for him because I'd give anything for a boyfriend who looks out for me. But that's not him. It'll never be him. Now he's not speaking to me and he doesn't want to see me. I'm so sad. I don't understand. I miss him so much.