Phantom Bride

-Lyrical interpretation at the bottom-

If you choose to read my story, I appreciate your desire and hope that my story of success will help anyone realize you are more than just a human to many people around you, you breathe life into those around you.

Where do I even start.

When I first heard this song, on the way home from work at 5am, exhausted, dirty, and among those depressed.

2015 and 2016 had brought me to the edge of my sanity, between a long term relationship ending in the beginning of 2015, and the tragic death of what I would have imagined would have been my soul mate in late 2015.

I rode through 2016 hiding my emotions, I kept my chin held high, I wouldn't let the havoc of this world, and my emotions consume me. I drove myself into debt searching for happiness, and lost many jobs because of apathy. I settled into a safe place with a decent job, and ignored the ruin I had brought upon myself.

I continued to destroy myself inside and out as the year went by, I was either drunk or high almost daily, and even became so wreck-less that I would drink while driving home after work. Come home night after night, parking and finishing beers and bawling my eyes out as I listened to "Change, In the House of Flies" (One of her favorite songs), I would play it on repeat singing until I literally could no longer speak. My life didn't matter to me anymore, I felt like I had lost everything I knew. I slowly sank into mania, I would sit cold and alone, intoxicated in my room staring at a constantly refreshing screen, or sometimes into space, while the TV droned on. I couldn't bear to have silence, silence meant that I was alone with my thoughts, depressive thoughts that were pushing me to find the easiest solution to numb the pain.

Amidst the suicidal/homocidal tendencies, many tragedies around the world didn't help. Constantly, I heard about attacks on innocent people, massacres, that would drag me down. The Pulse attack was less than a mile from my house, the sheer thought that had it been a few months prior, when I was visiting with my ex girlfriend and her friends, it could have been us, that I could have bore witness to such a thing absolutely shook me.

I watched as my best friend, was manipulated into staying in an abusive relationship. Held by the desire to cling to this vampires blood sucking personality, a daily habit of berate, apologize, put down. I did what I could through my own demons to at least keep her from this hell I lived in daily. As I realized I wasn't succeeding, I started to lose hope for everything around me and myself. I reached such a state of nihilism that I became numb.

I can assure you as I write this, I am still recovering, I feel like this song, let alone this album can speak to many people who suffer from depression, and substance abuse.

--Interpretation--

In the song Chino seems to be speaking in third person about someone he is observing, I imagine Chino's voice as my own, watching as I tear myself to shreds, hoping that eventually the repetition of my words will make their impact.

"Inside of this all you create You hide from yourself You separate every belief That is true and you spend your life Attached to this poison You don't feel anything out of the way And its true that

You spend your life trapped in this void Where you will stay always"

(I see this verse as self-realization that I have sheltered myself from feeling pain, sadness, even happiness, that I just exist. That even amongst the pleas of my friends to get help, and even the cries from inside myself to stop, I separate myself from the truth. I'm attached to a poison, a drug, alcohol, the low of depression, I believe I am dirt and nothing else, and that I am meant to remain in this state, because I will never matter, I will never amount to what people see in me, because my existence is futile.)

"Get rid of this part riding you The same cold space You don't want to feel anything new You decided to spend your life Safe from emotion This way you'll never be harmed again Or confused now"

(In order to get rid of these thoughts, I remained in my same cold space, my room, my mind, in this delusion that everything was fine, I helped allow it through substance abuse. I was comfortable, I wasn't ready for extreme change, I just wanted to be safe from the possibility that anything new would kill me. I stayed in my void safe from pain and confusion, but the painful truth is that no matter what the more I sank into the void my emotions tried to push me further in an effort to escape them.)

"You spend your life trapped in this void Where you will stay always You waste your life relaxed in your void Where you will drain all of you

You spend your life stuck in your void Where you will stay always You waste your life relaxed in your void Where you will stay always

You spend your life trapped in your void Where you will stay always"

(The repetition of the chorus is where this song truly hits us, the mood behind the instruments and vocals, illustrates such apathy and pain, but a burning desire to be free. I remained in my void for 10 months, the last 4 months of which became the lowest I'd ever sank as a human, a dark place I never want to experience again, I felt like I'd remain here forever, I knew it was draining me, that I was withering away, that soon I wouldn't have to feel this pain anymore, because I knew my daily habits of self-destruction would end up bringing my untimely death, and just like any death, I would fade away as time passed and be forgotten.

--The final breakdown of the song, although it lacks lyrics, is such a drastic change in flow to the music, it sounds evil, and sad all at the same time-- When I heard this for the first time, I cried uncontrollably, listened to this song for hours listening to every element of the songs structure. The ending made me wake up to my own actions, realize how low I had sunk and that I needed to get out before I drove myself into insanity.

I'm happy now that I am recovering, I eat frequently, my debts are almost gone, and I've gained a sense of self worth.

You are never alone, there will always be someone out there to deliver you from pain, in this case. I sincerely thank Chino Moreno.

Thank you. -Zachary Carlier