For Those Below

This song really touches home for me like few other. It's lyrics speak what I can't say. It is where I'm at in my life. I've never posted on any sites like this or about this before but I just feel like this song is just so clear to me that if it needs explaining, I can do that, no prob. I am a father, a husband and hurting greatly but have to stay strong. I have three boys (10, 8 & 4) and a beautiful daughter (7) that has cp. She is absolutely gorgeous just like her mother. She is happy (usually) and "healthy" and she has lots of good friends. She's actually at her first sleeover at a friend's house tonight! But she cannot walk, talk, crawl, sit up, rollover, eat, swallow or communicate in any way. We don't knew what she can comprehend, what she knows, what she feels. She smiles when her brothers talk to her, when we tickle her and other appropriate times. She pouts when she's bored or when we sing twinkle twinkle little star (Ann association thing I'd guess). Point being, we know she feels or love but we want so much more for her. Okay sorry back to the song but I had to set the stage... I can't write the whole backstory but this song is not about her and I. It is about my wife, her severe and justified depression and my role as a father and husband.

Not sure the best way to approach this so I guess I'll just re-post the lyrics and comment about each line:

1) as mentioned, my wife is very depressed. She blames herself, she wants more for our daughter, she's scared of our future, she's angry, she's tired, she can barely lift our daughter anymore, her back is in pain. Hardly a day has gone by without tears. She she's our nieces and little neighbor girls play and giggle and it crushes her. So much more to this but it's not my story to tell... 2) out of respect I wouldn't use the term haunting but I suppose it does, I think of them most of the day when I'm at work (when I can go to work). I know she's suffering while I'm gone. I'm not much for praying but the prayers I do have are for her. I'm on the fence when it comes to prayer. Brought up Catholic but really never "got into it" until more recently. I would love nothing more than to have the confidence in my beliefs to call myself a Christian but I'm too lost to say for sure. I don't pretend to be as the big guy would call my bluff. Part of why I appreciate m&s music is their connecting of my reality to biblical messages. 3) healing? Perhaps someday but it hasn't happened yet. 7 almost 8 years now but it feels like the bullet it's still on its way through. It angers me that she blames herself as I know it was not. Our girl was full term, 9-9 on her apgars and a smooth pregnancy. She had difficult swallowing so she was slated for surgery on her 5th day. She quit breathing a few times in the nicu but we were told that should have no affect (or effect, I'll never get that right)... something went wrong, somewhere, sometime. Lord knows when our how exactly. I get she's sad. I can't talk her out of it. I'm sad too. 4) I'm not really sure on this one. She's definitely been brought more into her faith in Christ through this. I picture the counting the ceiling as looking to God. Trembling hand is easy.. She's often bright to her knees in sorrow and panic attacks. Trembling body is more accurate. 5) in thinking of a long life you imagine the basic kids grow up, go through school, move out, go to college, we retire, kids marry, have grand kids, you spoil them, you die. Cute. Nice. 6) but now that is gone.. there is no kids move out (I'm okay with that. I love her and will take care of her forever), no college, I am having a hard time working now, I'm an engineer and like my job a lot, the projects I work on, the people I work with, but it is getting more and more difficult to sustain work and home. My girls need me. I am very close to quitting but then retirement will never happen.., my beautiful girl will probably never marry (not because she couldn't be loved but because I doubt I'd ever let anyone take her from me ;)) grandkids very unlikely. "Now that it's gone..." 7) I am a father. I am to be the leader of this house. Manhood/fatherhood, the magnitude of it, is new to me. I can't tell you when I went from "boy to man" but I get it now. I've found myself on top 8) I am the leader of my flock, my family, my three boys, my hurting wife, my handicapped daughter (& my dog). 9) I am called to be the rock (ironically, that is what my name means) to those below... I want to not only hold my family together through this journey but to thrive and inspire my son's. I want to be the man they'll want to be. But I feel like I am in a constant state of failure. My daughter isn't getting better. My wife isn't getting better. Life isn't getting better. But I must dust myself of each physical and emotionally dragging day and press on. I must be the rock for my family. I also must sleep. I'll finish some other night.