I would say that the person is wishing for an afterlife and a god, but he can't force himself to believe it. He is nervous about being wrong, about choosing the wrong belief, but he also doesn't want to be right, because it means this life is the end. By seeking the truth, he realized that he has lost his belief and his sense of security, and hope, and the force of it is too much to reconcile.
I would say that the person is wishing for an afterlife and a god, but he can't force himself to believe it. He is nervous about being wrong, about choosing the wrong belief, but he also doesn't want to be right, because it means this life is the end. By seeking the truth, he realized that he has lost his belief and his sense of security, and hope, and the force of it is too much to reconcile.