Like a Virgin

Why do men always think they are judged by the size of their penis as a lover???? That is a small part of being a sensitive and talented lover. The main ingredients most women want are love, feeling comfortable and cherished, and safe!

This song is about an abused young woman---child abuse, rape, or domestic violence, or all 3. She was beat.....en and tired of being "had" literally and being tricked (implied). She feels incomplete literally without her virginity intact (so much more than a piece of skin guys). Sex against a woman's expressed will, whether drugged and cooperative or violently violated, or seduced as a child and helpless to escape with conflicted loyalties, damages children of both sexes and makes them feel dirty, like damaged goods, afraid, vulnerable, at fault somehow and to blame, second hand......not like a shiny new penny!

This woman is typical of the proportion of women who are abused in some form or another in a sexual context....over 80% in a woman's lifetime chance of this happening once....this statistic was from a medical expert in the year 1989-1990. At that time it was thought that 1/4-1/3 of all female children were sexually abused by someone and male children, 1/5 at the very most. Now with the priest abuse scandal, we know those stats are the very tip of the iceberg of the child abuse problem.

Typically with child abuse or child exposure to sexual/violent domestic violence, the victim is at risk of being re-victimized repeatedly due to very low self esteem, inappropriate guilt, depression, PTSD, etc,etc. On the other hand, the victim is also at risk of becoming a victimizer. Sometimes they are both in their lifetimes. Subconsciously, the choice is made to become like the aggressor, not the victim because being in control is better than being violated against your will. The trauma is being reenacted, but "fixed" with the victim in the perceived strong, in control, and winning role of the abuse to help the victim feel powerful instead of powerless. It is overcompensation of the horror of the victim role ie. they need to reenact the trauma or can't help flashbacks of PTSD to find some meaning in it to cope, but they literally put themselves in the abusers shoes....a very extreme identification which in milder form is seen as empathy...and punish the weak, powerless, violated, inappropriately guilt-ridden symbol of themselves over and over again.

I think a lot of pedophiles, domestic abusers, etc, etc have been lied to, seduced against their intentions under the influence of false promises, beliefs, or compromising circumstances like drugs, alcohol, lack of adult maturity and ability to fend for themselves with inappropriate trust and even abuduction like Hornsby, Jessica, and amber went through, to name a few.

I think because of sexual differences and cultural expectations, men tend to prefer the abuser role and women the victim, but they can do either or both after previous abusive experiences. Some men and women solve the need to reenact and understand, process, and integrate what happened to them in the form of homosexuality, among which the same horrors are repeated as well. Some may think they can avoid the abuse by being with a different sex. Some identify with the same sex abuser. Some are really messed up and pick on dead corpses and helpless animals, both of which cannot adequately defend themselves, as well as the pedophile solution of reenacting their past helplessness on children.

Back to our lyrics: This scarred woman falls in love with a gentle, caring, considerate man who she feels safe with, is not ever abused in the old way again, or at least not to the extent she was in the past....something in the scenario changed. She reenacts the trauma of being lied to, seduced with alcohol or drugs or in childhood against her intentions and expressed will or understanding or maturity level, and worst-case-scenerio with violence, criticism ,blame, and other forms of verbal abuse and controlling behavior and degradation, theats, and guilt trips from the abuser in a vicious cycle of abusive relationships until suddenly, she stumbles upon a man who is imperfect, may seduce, get her tipsy, misunderstand her intentions and desires and boundaries, is insensitive and hurts her feelings some of the time, but is basically not an abusive partner...

No violence or reformed, mostly honest and trustworthy or at least repentent, mostly gentle, kind, considerate and she falls completely in love with him committed 100% the rest of her life.....(Angelina Jolie, for example). If people would realize how sexy and attractive it is to be wooed with lovingkindness, encouragement, appreciation and patience! I remember an old movie about a girl thought to be slutty and promiscuous who is treated like a princess like she should have been. She refuses the old gang "consensual" promiscuity because she realizes that she is valuable and deserves more respect and more self-respect. The gang acts out the abuser mentality and violently gang rape her (when she says no this time) and end up murdering her. I think the final scene is of the back of the lover's pick-up truck filled with a whole flowerbed of her favorite flowers for her grave. Wonderful Movie!!! Does anyone remember the name of that one? Powerful, like "Dead Man Walking" and "Clockwork Orange" and the one with Robbie Benson who in the movie commits suicide after he is seduced by a homosexual older man under the influence of alcohol. How many homosexuals are really embracing homosexuality to make themselves feel like they really chose the abusive sex, ie more powerful and in control and emulate and identify with the abuser vs. the ones who embrace homosexuality as a fictitious escape from abuse when the same abuse happens in those relationships, too????? Who knows? In some sense, homosexuals and victims of repetitive abusive relationships and even abusers themselves cannot help their attraction. In some sense, they do not choose it because they didn't choose the initial abusive situation they are subconsciously repeating or avoiding in some form or fashion.

I do not believe serial killers are all born that way with rare exceptions perhaps, true psychopaths raised in good homes are extremely rare, if they even exist. A mentally ill person has some excuse. True psychopaths may not be able to make good choices because they are disabled by being born without the brain's ability to exercise and have a conscience. Perhaps they are to be the most pitied upon the earth to be so handicapped in life. Any urge a human experiences, whatever its origin can be overcome and resisted. Perhaps the attraction or tendency or impulse never completely goes away, but when fought, it can be overcome and not acted out, not given in to, not indulged. With time, it lessons by the brain's ability to extinguish sensations, habits, appetites abstained from.

Part of the definition of maturity is the ability to say no to one's own impulses and make good life choices that result in the greater good for oneself and others, and society in general. Are you selfish? Addicted to sex? Addicted to food? Abusive? A pedophile, or even a murder who is not a totally genetically disabled individual? You are not trapped by your urges, behavior, or addiction. That is a lie that you are helpless, born that way, unable to change your behavior or orientation, if ego-dystonic leading to suicidal ideation and attempts. A child is helpless. As adults we are no longer helpless. We always have choices. Choose wisely to break out of whatever trauma, habit, obsessions, urges you possess. Ask for help. Pray. Most adults are not ever truly helpless and trapped and without any resources or choices or options or opportunities. We usually just don't want to change because of pleasure, lack of consequences, lack of understanding of our urges, motives, patterns, subconscious repetition of trauma, learned helplessness, etc.

There is nothing we cannot choose to overcome, if we want to. Nothing at all. Humans are capable of amazing unbelievable things! We are more than conquerers in Christ who loves us and gave up his life for us. There is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus who follow after the Spirit and not the flesh. God is love. God is all-powerful. God loves us and made us. He is our perfect father who made us in his perfect image and said we were good in the beginning of time. Choose love. Choose life. The truth will set you free.

Thank you to my husband for proposing and marrying me and loving me in his imperfect way. Thank you to God who loves me in His perfect way I often don't understand at the time, but much much later hopefully this side of heaven am always enlightened when I seek Him and His wisdom in life. Thank you for reading this monologue. I hope it helps someone to have hope and live to see another day.