Downfall

This song spoke to me tonight. I've heard and loved the song for years, but only one thing hasn't made sense to me about the lyrics: the most important word, "downfall". Why would you want to be someone's downfall? I've toyed with religious implications but never really found anything until tonight.

I've been with my girlfriend now for more than two years, but there has been something that has been pulling me down for about seven years. It's been seeping into our relationship, slowly pushing us apart in the most subtle way. I haven't ever been able to quite put my finger on the exact problem, but we both know it's there, and it's big.

Tonight it came to a head. I knew that I had been hurting her, but I hadn't let myself see how badly. Tonight, as she was telling me that she is a step away from walking out of my life, I heard this song in my head. And suddenly the "downfall" part made sense.

My girlfriend was singing this song to me tonight. Not literally, but her message was clear in the lyrics (I'll try to just do the important parts):

"I wonder how you sleep I wonder what you think of me"

She asked me how I could live with myself, how I could look her in the eye, how I could really care about her, knowing that I'm driving this issue between us.

"I want you to be uneased"

She wanted me to see just how bad I've let my issues get.

"I want you to believe in me I want you on my side Come on, and Lay it down"

I have to be able to come to terms with this issue, and together, WE can come to terms with it - but first I have to actually pinpoint what's been affecting me and lay it out completely.

"Give all that's within you Be my savior And I'll be your downfall"

If I can put my issues aside and focus my energies on what's important in my life, I can be so much more than I have been. I can be the man that she's seen that I can be - I can be her savior. But first, I've been unable to actually address it because I've still been able to justify that I haven't hit rock bottom. I've still been ok. But not now - now she is showing me that I really am hitting that rock bottom. She is being my downfall. And now I can't ignore it - I have to either fix it or lose her, and lose a huge part of my life at the same time.

"Here we go again Ashamed of being broken in"

I've been unwilling to let anyone else see the problem, ashamed of what other will think.

"I want you to agree with me I want so much so bad... Only love can save us now"

After all that I've put her through, knowingly and unknowingly, she shouldn't put up with it. But instead of staying mad at me, she ended up giving me advice about how to fix it, because she wants the love that we have so badly. She wants me to want it, too - and now the only reason that we still have a chance is if this is meant to be. If it's real, we will be able to pull through if we fight hard enough - love is the only reason we are both still trying.

"Now I'm back on my own Yeah my feet are heavy, made of stone"

I've got a tough road ahead of me. But if I can take responsibility for my actions...

"And I'm coming home, on my back Kissing me, your lips painted black"

...then I can come back to her, having killed off the old me (hence the black lipstick) and starting fresh (the kiss along with the upbeat music).

It's poetic. It's perfect. And I'm not sure that it'll make sense to anyone but me, but I'm putting it out here on the off chance that this song will inspire someone else. :)