Lyric discussion by the_associate 

Cover art for If... lyrics by Divine Comedy, The

Not a very good song for valentine's day says I though made all the mroe great because of that.

"If you were my dog I am sure you'd like it better Then you'd be my loyal four legged friend You'd never have to think again"

I think Hannon's character is this song is a man who wants possession of a woman. He wants her to be utterly devoted to him, to the extent that, he doesn't even want her to think for herself. This is a sinister obsessive song but made all the more brilliant and honest for it.

@the_associate pretty sure the whole song is actually about a dog