This is likely the most depressing song ever written.
I just love the line, "this time I've lost my own return in spite of everything I've learned." It so perfectly describes how someone with chronic depression feels when they reach the lowest of their lows. Despite all the ways you've learned to cope with those dark feelings in the past, it feels impossible to retrace your steps and find a way out. It's quite comforting to know that you're not alone in those feelings -- that at least someone else has been through the same thing.
Unfortunately it seems he's intentionally "hid[den] [his] tracks", to make it impossible to return from depression. Suicide is right around the corner from there -- a fact underscored by the following line, "stripped of all my cares." For anyone who's been severely depressed, you know that's the final stage before a suicide attempt -- that realization of total numbness and indifference. It's the absolute bottom. And while quite liberating to dissociate and escape the pain in that way, there's no more energy -- "no more struggle". It's an incredibly dangerous point to reach.
So, basically, if you have this song in heavy rotation, you need to talk to someone. Depression sucks, and there is a way out. Don't hide your tracks back from depression ... don't stop struggling ... just learn from each episode how to bring yourself back. The more you pay attention to how you heal from your depressive phases, the stronger you become at handling those feelings. Eventually the lows aren't so low, and the darkest periods disappear for good.
This is likely the most depressing song ever written.
I just love the line, "this time I've lost my own return in spite of everything I've learned." It so perfectly describes how someone with chronic depression feels when they reach the lowest of their lows. Despite all the ways you've learned to cope with those dark feelings in the past, it feels impossible to retrace your steps and find a way out. It's quite comforting to know that you're not alone in those feelings -- that at least someone else has been through the same thing.
Unfortunately it seems he's intentionally "hid[den] [his] tracks", to make it impossible to return from depression. Suicide is right around the corner from there -- a fact underscored by the following line, "stripped of all my cares." For anyone who's been severely depressed, you know that's the final stage before a suicide attempt -- that realization of total numbness and indifference. It's the absolute bottom. And while quite liberating to dissociate and escape the pain in that way, there's no more energy -- "no more struggle". It's an incredibly dangerous point to reach.
So, basically, if you have this song in heavy rotation, you need to talk to someone. Depression sucks, and there is a way out. Don't hide your tracks back from depression ... don't stop struggling ... just learn from each episode how to bring yourself back. The more you pay attention to how you heal from your depressive phases, the stronger you become at handling those feelings. Eventually the lows aren't so low, and the darkest periods disappear for good.
This was so nice to read. I know you wrote this nearly two decades ago but I hope you’re doing well????
This was so nice to read. I know you wrote this nearly two decades ago but I hope you’re doing well????