And All That Could Have Been

This guy absolutely nails classic depression in a way i haven't ever seen before..This song really explains that 'buried under a heavy weight' feeling that most kinds of depression afflicts on sufferers...You actually feel that you can break the surface of those waves of emptiness/apathy..It's right there if you just try..But you can't..And you can't explain why either..This song is painful but there's a morbid beauty in it.

"Breeze still carries the sound Maybe I'll disappear Tracks will fade in the snow You won't find me here"

I take this to mean that the person wants to fade away..They don't want to be noticed or any kind of remnant/memory in the world they don't want a part of anymore.

"Ice is starting to form Ending what had begun I am locked in my head With what I've done I know you tried to rescue me Didn't let anyone get in Left with a trace of all that was And all that could have been"

There's a numbness to depression and the mind becomes a bleak prison of everything negative..Insecurities/self loathing/apathy/low self esteem all swirling around, and you can't escape them and maybe even like it in a 'twisted' way cause it's the only place you feel you deserve..There's a sick comfort there.

The people that don't exist in or can't understand your world are knocking and asking you to let them in so they can help you..You know that maybe if you did things would get better..Love/comfort/connection and all that, But it's like you're slightly out of phase with them...A ghost in the world.

You know you're killing something good..Something 'real' with your actions..You can see the 'ice forming' the relationship slipping away but you just don't have the capacity to care.. The feelings are there somewhere, but they are muted and dull, and like i said before, like trying to break the surface of water...It's just within your reach but you can't or won't reach for it.

"Please Take this And run far away Far away from me I am Tainted The two of us Were never meant to be All these Pieces And promises and left behinds If only I could see In my Nothing You meant everything Everything to me"

You know that what you're feeling is not healthy and so wrong...So you wouldn't wanna afflict it on your nearest and dearest.

But there's a part of you that wants to stay in that bleak bubble..It's your safety net..Where you feel that no matter how detrimental that place is to your psyche...You belong..You can just stay there in a holding 'denial' pattern.

So you close yourself off and push for both them and yourself..Self sabotage..Kill that connection cause you hate yourself so why would they like you..Can't they see that you're not worth it.

You're also afraid that somehow they'll see the 'real' you..The you that your twisted perceptions have put in place...There's a shame and discomfort in that. You can't let them so you clam up and retreat.

And there is also a part of you that knows you still care somewhere or have those memories when you were able to...You somehow convince yourself that they can catch the same thing like a cold, and when you love and care for someone you only want happiness for them, but with depression all you feel you can give them is pain/grief/misery..So you close that door on them cause you convince yourself that once they get away they'll see you weren't worth it after all, and that will reinforce those 'bad' thoughts about yourself and somehow you can get some kind of sad comfort in 'being right'..You are worthless but at least you know that right?

"Gone.. fading.. Everything.. And.. All that.. Could have been.. All that could have been."

You have those happier memories when you weren't broken so 'all that could have been' is there and still maybe can be..But you're drawn to the darkness.

everything is slipping further away from you..Going deeper into that 'apathetic' state of mind...Being submerged under those waves..There's only one way now and that's down..In a way you sort of welcome it..It's a relief to lose yourself and just fall.

And then he repeats the chorus again to the end..That constant slow building repetition mirroring that round and round never ending negativeness..You keep telling yourself the same things over and over as if somehow they'll make sense..You know you're lying to yourself and running from what's right in front of you 'You're sick and you need help' but the 'enemy' is calling you and it's damn attractive cause maybe you'll find your way out in that direction 'possible suicide'