I Shat My Pants - True Story

"Hey John, I think you're cool
You're just misunderstood
Why don't ya share some stories from your childhood?"
All right, that would be good
I'll share a story from my childhood
When I was around thirteen years old
My family said
"Come on, John, we're going to a baseball game"
I needed to defecate
But there wasn't time for that
Everyone wanted to leave so we wouldn't be late for the game
It was about a ten-minute drive
We got to our local baseball park
Found some seats
And watched men play baseball
Actually, slo-pitch was the name of this game
But it's all baseball to me
After a short while, I said to my family
"I have to go to the bathroom"
I walked to the bathroom
And there was a long lineup to get inside
Finally I got inside
And I saw
There were no doors on the stalls
I sat down and tried to defecate
But there were a whole bunch of men standing there looking at me
Probably thinking
"Fuck, I'm full of beer and gotta piss
Hurry up and shit, kid"
I tried to shit
But I couldn't without any privacy
So I grabbed some toilet paper
Wiped my butt, pretending I had defecated
And hustled out of that bathroom
I sat back down with my family
And continued to watch the game

I'd never cared about baseball before
But at this game, inside my head
I cheered like I've never cheered for anything ever before
"Strike him out!
Catch the ball!"
I wanted that game over
I squeezed my butt cheeks together
I'm not religious
But I prayed for that game to end
Finally it ended
We got up and walked
Through the parking lot towards the family car
Unfortunately, my butt could not hold in the shit any longer
I shat my pants
I could feel a ball of shit rolling down my leg as I walked
I timed it perfectly
And kicked the ball of shit away from me
As soon as it reached the bottom of my pants
I watched that little ball of shit
Roll under a car
I thought to myself, "Wow
I had been clenching my butt so hard
I must have turned all that shit into one tight little ball"
But nope
I could feel there was still a whole lot of shit
Inside my underwear
I sat in the backseat of the car
And we drove away
I rolled down the window to air out the car
In the car
On the way home, my stepfather said, "Who farted?"
I said, "I did
I'm sorry"
I knew that was a lie
I didn't fart
I shat my pants
We got home, and I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself up
I was a mess
There was shit all over my butt and down my legs
I got all cleaned up
Washed the shit off my clothes
And no one found out I shat my pants
So
There ya have it
A story from my childhood