A Lazy Coon's Obiter Dictum

I heard a robot pronounce my last name correctly
And in what I thought was my own dream it told me to stop interjecting
For some reason I obeyed and promptly crossed the street
But first I looked both ways
Caught a glimpse of a paradigm shift riding down the block on an old Schwinn Cycle
Suddenly my ape materialized on a fixed gear
At the senior wine tasting with mixed fears and a button up
And my fucking glasses keep smudging
And even in the important classes I keep fudging
Got a job as the school tour guide
I’m no visitor from Mars
I’m a normal guy with too many Lichtenberg Scars
These thick-witted blind sky watchers think they’re mind’s eye doctors but they’re gougers
Scalping tickets on the Freedom Trail
I just want my liberty to fail
Sorry I’m a bother
A mostly constant gardener
Let, let, let, let me take a dip in this Lazarus pit

If I wasn’t such a lazy coon then I could probably hold hands with Sailor Moon
If I wasn’t such a lazy coon then I could probably hold hands with Sailor Moon

I want Ra’s al Ghul’s facial hair
In certain places I’ve worn spacetime threadbare
Took a peek through the wormhole and saw Danny Brown’s tunnel floating
I’d call it showboating but this is the Millenium Falcon
I’m bourbon-coating language isn’t surpassed at being very good at holding in anguishes
Poke a hole through the side vortex
To strengthen my mind’s forceps
All the while the taximeter is still running
I’ve got clogged drains for inner monologue plumbing
My brain has too many folded wrinkles
I sat beneath the purple rain and felt the tiny sprinkles
Rappers say they form like Voltron
That was a children’s show
I’m laser etching my name in the Philosopher’s stone

If I wasn’t such a lazy coon then I could probably hold hands with Sailor Moon

Inhale, exhale
I think I’m Nick Flamel, Bertrand Russell,
Add Dwayne Johnson, sans the muscle
Why was the man running though?
I do a dance called the Know-It-All

If I wasn’t such a lazy coon then I could probably hold hands with Sailor Moon

Get anxious and hideout
Playing Pokemon in the potty room
Reread all this Twitter spam that “I could too could be a very naughty groom”
Don’t date girls who don’t know who Neil deGrasse Tyson is
Tattoo clever pickup lines on the inside of my eyelids
Ate a Freezie Pop and made a mess on my tank top again
Burdened me with particle waves
Personman is at least partially saved
Inundate my corpse with illegal copies of FinalCutPro
Reading the Eden Express
Getting spacey in my basement lair
Stealing free coffee cups at the college involvement fair
Your favorite rap writer looks like he’s He-Man’s weed man
Another night ruined by a bad torrent seed. Damn.
Retiring as a Trader Joe’s grocery store greeter put me on the list of serial mistake repeaters
I don’t dream. That’s much worse than a nightmare
Travel beyond infinity like a black Buzz Lightyear
My mind is a stupid doo-hickey that’s constantly surmising
The internet is a treefort that was built for hiding
I used to want to be a flautist but the most delicate fingers
My emotional well has a rotten sense that lingers

If I wasn’t such a lazy coon then I could probably hold hands with Sailor Moon

If I wasn’t such a lazy coon then I could probably hold hands with Sailor Moon