Fix It

There was a large chunk of time where I had thought this a very lighthearted song, but then I really took the time to listen to the lyrics. It was then that it really struck me: everything about this song reminds me of the abuser:

"Put me in the spotlight Oh, I love the white heat Is it something you need, too? Come and be my person You know that I need someone But, it doesn't matter who"

Right away, we start off with something entirely selfish. This person adores being the center of attention, even so far as to say they love the negative parts of endless recognition (the "white heat"). Such as, say, somebody who purposely picks fights and inevitably gets slack for it. Everything is about them, and who showers them with affection is of no importance to them -- just as long as it happens. But the idea that another person could possibly need or want attention? That is, quite literally, something to be put into question.

"Oh, I took your best times Broke them like they were mine It wasn't what I meant to do"

This is where things start to take a more sinister turn. Not only is this person making a conscious decision to use somebody and disregard their needs, this person -- the abuser -- is now stealing very pieces of the other person. Alternatively, what should be a positive experience (e.g., dating and/or friendship) is unpleasant for the person that's been dragged into this relationship. But hey, everything is fine! This person didn't mean to do anything wrong, after all!

"There's something evil in me A box without a good key Something that I know you have, too"

... And now, that person outright admits to their vice. There is a part of them that is evil, and as far as the abuser is concerned, it can't be changed. But this admission comes with placing some blame on everybody else... in particular, the people (or person) who is being hurt by all this abuse.

"We have bitten off more than we could chew Now, we are running out of things we can do"

These lines really hit home with me, in particular because it sounds like it's being sung by two people. It's almost like a fight, or this couple realizing the relationship has either soured, or was bad from the get go. On one hand, we have the abuser; they are not the one at fault for things going poorly. On the other hand, we have the person being abused. If you've ever been in abusive relationship (and I hope you haven't been), the reasoning should sound familiar. You have tried everything to make it work out, to make things work right, because you feel like you're at fault. But eventually, you begin to realize that you are trapped and have nothing else you CAN do.

"You could be my makeup I could be a lift up I never want to be without you"

We now return to our abuser, who is possibly trying to reason with their partner. Their significant other can make them look good, and in return, the partner can get what they want. Maybe a leg up in the world, or just the thing to keep them from living in complete desolation. It's almost threatening, in a way, suggesting that the partner needs them and the abuser has already made the decision that they want this relationship to continue indefinitely.

"Something waiting in me How is it you can't see When it is so clear and so blue?"

The abuser reasons that their anger/outbursts are there -- harking back to the "something evil in me" line -- sitting just above the surface. The abuser says that their partner should know that this already exists, and more than that, the partner should know better than to set off their abuser.

"[We have bitten off more than we could chew We are running out of things we can do] We have bitten off more than we knew Nothing's going to fix it, nothing's going to mend me and you"

With the return of the refrain comes a very interesting addition. It's almost like a recurring fight between the two, but this time, the partner is insistent. The significant didn't know this is how things would end up, and more than that, the partner is certain that there is nothing that will change this cycle of hurt and heartbreak. Experience has taught the partner what will happen no matter what. They have finally come to terms with the fact that this relationship is broken and unhealthy, and it is enough. Interesting to note is the fact that the duo has returned for this section. And alternate interpretation is the abuser dumping their partner, and pinning everything wrong with the relationship on them. With that comes the suggestion that the abuser also thinks their partner has used up all worth and has become more trouble than they are worth.

"Put me in the spotlight Oh, I love the white heat Is it something you need, too? Come and be my person You know that I need someone But, it doesn't matter who"

With the end comes a repeat of the first few lines. This is possibly the most striking portion of the song for me, because it suggests that this is an infinite loop. The abuser does not stop just because one relationship has (presumably) ended. They will keep going and going, since it's just as they said: "you know that I need someone, but it doesn't matter who".

While the entire tone of this song is bright enough to almost undermine the darker message of the lyrics, I feel like it is... oddly appropriate. The abuser is indifferent to the havoc they are leaving in their wake: it's another part of life, and they are ultimately getting what they want. What isn't there to be happy about?

With all that said, this song really resonated me during the end of a very abusive relationship. The message is one that I have felt very important to keep close to heart, regardless of it only being my personal take, or "correctly" piecing together the meaning. As anybody who has been abused can tell you, there is so much guilt that lingers after the fact, millions of questions and thoughts wondering what you could have done to make things different. But in the end, the victim is just that: a victim. They are fuel to an abuser's anger, and an abuser will keep falling into the same patterns with anything and anyone they can. While you aren't helpless, because you CAN leave and CAN keep yourself safe, you also can't hold yourself responsible for what another person does. That applies to every aspect of life, but it's particularly easy to forget after living a life as a scapegoat for so long... It can really feel like your only purpose.

As with all of Psapp's music, this is overall beautifully composed and Gaila's voice is gorgeous as always. But this song in particular just happens to have a very powerful message to it for me.