Hard To Say

this song means to me the "break up" between me and my best friend ashley: i wish things had gone better for us, but it was my fault. i made mistakes in our friendship and i took her criticism as attack instead of seeing i was wrong. we never really spoke again, and honestly my life has been different ever since then. it's been years now; its hard to swallow my pride and say i miss her but i do. visit my journal, i wrote a poem (of sorts) about it based on this song.

this song was a reference to Bert's ex-girlfriend's death whom was pregnant with his child, thus leading to the album title "In Love And Death"; although he wrote the song years earlier, it fit the moment and Bert felt that it was the right time to release it.

I love this song, it means so much to me. I can relate to it a lot. Like yasmit, it too reminds me of a break up between an old friend and I. We stopped talking because of the way I acted and treated my friend and yeah, as much has I hate to say it, I miss my friend so much. Even though I tried to act otherwise.

I think it is pretty obvious this song is about making a mistake and losing someone special as result. Now years later your still missing that person, still regretting what happened and still a mess from it. To relate to this song I don't even think a person had to do or say something to mess the friendship/relationship up but more lack of words that messed it up.

"It's hard to say I held my tongue It's hard to say if only Since you've been gone I'm not the same"

Sort of that if only I hadn't held my tongue and said what I needed to say, things could have turned out different. But now that time has passed it's to hard to say the things now.

Going through high school the loss of a close friend brought meaning to this song for me. A week ago today I heard this song live, and burst into tears because the meaning all of a sudden I realize had changed for me. My sister is suffering from addiction. It has been really a really hard and emotional journey. About a year ago we took her to a rehab. She stayed for less than two weeks and checked herself out and in less than a year addiction had spiraled her life to a new low. I didn't talk to her during that time. She was almost murdered by one of her best friends. After that she came to visit asking for help to get into rehab. She has been there for about two months and seems strong in her sobriety. When I visited her there this song was playing in the back of my head. When she asked me about my life and how I felt about things, I found it "hard to say", hard to explain. So much has happened in the year she was out of my life and anytime anything had happened I thought of her and telling her! Since shes "been gone I'm not the same." Sitting there under the strict supervision of her counselors, with only an hour to talk to my sister and best friend, I was speechless. It was "hard to say" that I was wrong, for shutting her out, for the things that I had said. Just as I began to feel guilty I remembered the lies she "told a thousand times before." The fear of losing her again balanced with the fear that she could just be waiting for me to be confident in her sobriety so she can stab me in the back. "Worse than the fear is the knife". All the memories and pain, so many times during the visit "I held my tongue", afraid to set her off. "If only" I had told my dad my suspicions in the very beginning, "if only" I hadn't been so judgmental, "if only" I had pushed my father more into getting her into to see a therapist. All the stress and worry and fear has been like a "plague" that spreads into the rest of my life. "My worries weigh the world how I used to be," today I am a pretty optimistic person but the old pessimist keeps rearing up, I am scared that her sobriety won't last. My biggest fear, that this will go on for longer "for years gone by and I cried." Just as I am feeling overwhelmed I find a release singing this song, and shedding my tears, there have been times that it hit me so hard that I fear falling out.