Aquarius121

22 year old bisexual drop-out girl with an informal degree in lyrical obsession and writing. Professional at not having my shit together. Aspiring novelist and songwriter and/or screenwriter and/or politician/anarchist. Aquarius with 4 planets in Pisces.

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Bright Eyes – Something Vague Lyrics 4 years ago
@[ritaritarita:14913]

Just want to say that I identify so much with your interpretation. I've lived with an eating disorder for most of my life, and now, I'm also living with the *love* of my life. It's gotten to the point where there's no room for two...and it's killing us both.

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Mercury Rev – The Dark Is Rising Lyrics 4 years ago
NLM 9/25/14

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Mercury Rev – Vermillion Lyrics 4 years ago
NLM 9/25/14

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Sia – Broken Biscuit Lyrics 4 years ago
@[chabocinnamon:13242]

Just wanted to say, that's a beautiful statement.

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The Cardigans – A Good Horse Lyrics 4 years ago
I think it's about picking yourself back up and trying again, whatever that may mean to you.

Making a resolution to yourself to keep going, finding a new reason to fight.

"I've been whining about a fresh start"

Realizing that words aren't enough and you must take action for things to get better...if you've been repeating all your old mistakes over and over you're never going to get anywhere...


"Eyes burning on the quicksand
And I run it through the hollow land
I've fed it with a shaky hand
I found myself a strong horse"

Keeping your hope/reason alive through all the shit life throws your way, or all the shit *you* have put yourself through. Rediscovering your strength and nurturing that hopeful part of you no matter how small or weak it's become...being a survivor. The following lines support this theme too.

"Yes I've found myself a strong horse
But things remain not different then before"

The reality may not change but your perspective can, and that's what matters and gets you through.

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Luna – Bewitched Lyrics 4 years ago
@[eyehop:12482]

I agree. Unfortunately, I *am* that mentally unstable girl. I don't deserve my fiance. In fact I'm sorry she ever met me or thought I'd be a good idea.

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Lady GaGa – G.U.Y. Lyrics 4 years ago
Being in love with a transgender woman has changed my entire view of this song.

I couldn't have met a more perfect person inside and out...I truly believe it was fate. I wish we had met when we were younger so we wouldn't have had to go through so much pain and doubt and self-hate to get to this point.

Though our struggles are obviously different...we understand each other on a real level, one I've never experienced with anybody else...she met me while I was in at the end of my rope with my eating disorder and broken self-image. I *hated* myself. I looked in the mirror and saw a different person than who I was inside. I couldn't reach her anymore. Since I was 13 I had felt that invasive, constant sense of wrongness.

That's where we connected.

We've gone through nights when one or both of us couldn't bear to be touched. The total vulnerability scared the fuck out of me. To have someone who wanted to be close and who knew the true me yet understood when even that wasn't enough to break down the barrier and let myself go...that she knew how it felt...and was willing to hold me anyway through the anxiety. Who didn't get angry when I wasn't "present" in the moment and had to put on the brakes.

We've been through mornings where one or both of us couldn't leave the house without changing outfits ten times and spinning the mirror more than that. Some are worse than others...sometimes I'm at a loss as to how to help her, or vice versa...sometimes all you can do is be there...

When we look into each others' eyes at night it seems to fall away for a second and I'd give anything, suffer everything, just to have those moments forever.

We'll be getting married this year. I couldn't imagine being with anybody else. I'm still shocked every other day that we have each other and met so suddenly...(we met online, when I had, by pure chance and boredom, checked my messages on a dating site I hadn't been on in two years!). Like the stars were aligned. We tell people we met at Kmart or prison lmao.

Anyways...the meaning is clear to me now. Even if it means something different for Gaga or for others, it'll always be my song to her. When she can't get through another moment feeling wrong, when she asks why she can't simply be normal, why she was born with the wrong DNA, the wrong chromosomes, with her brain and her body not matching like they were supposed to...when she asks if I see her as a girl, if she's pretty, if I'll ever get sick of her and want a "real" woman...I listen to this song and want her to know she's ok. She's my girl and I'm her G.U.Y. lol...even though I'm a girl too, I often feel like the "man" in the relationship and I wouldn't want it any other way. I want to protect her the way she protects me from my own mind and my own body dysphoria.

Our struggles manifest in different ways but our souls are cut from the same cloth. We were dealt shitty cards. But we'll continue playing the game til we come out on top.

Preferably with me on top of her ;)

Thanks for reading.

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CHVRCHES – Tether Lyrics 5 years ago
@[mike115064:8656]

Thank you. It's comforting in a small way to know there are people that understand and have been where we've been/we are.

I'm even more amazed that I got to read your reply today, because when I parked my car not two hours ago, I heard "Arms of an Angel" by Sarah McLachlan and bawled my eyes out like it happened yesterday. I know that's a song a lot of people hate or think is overrated. Maybe it is. But it hit me so hard.

My friend's father's name is Mike. Can't help but feel it's his way of communicating with me! Thank you again, I hope we both become more capable than not. <3

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Florence + the Machine – Landscape Lyrics 5 years ago
@[sakurablossom:5849]

Agreed!!!

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The Naked And Famous – Spank Lyrics 5 years ago
This is insanely long and drawn out, you've been warned. Blame my insomnia.

A girl whose severe body dysmorphia is causing the gradual decay of her relationship.

Bear with me...as someone going through it herself, it's difficult to hold onto a relationship through the storm of shit in your own brain. It's near impossible to enjoy being close to someone, whether that's sexually or platonically, when you're always fighting the voice in your head that says you're physically repulsive. When you flinch if they touch the wrong spot. When you work so hard to block it out only to have one incidental view of your reflection bring it right back to front and center. When a stray glance is twisted into a scrutinizing stare. When you can't let them look at you too long or too hard or too fully. Cover up, where's the blanket, turn around, turn the light off, turn the music up, I can't, I'm sorry, I can't.

It's exhausting for the other person. It's not fair.

Throw in an eating disorder and you have a permanent threesome partner along for every ride.

"I don't remember the first time,"

needing to be heavily intoxicated to cross that line.

"There's specific things
That I have to do
Day to day just to keep it at bay
You wouldn't believe if you knew"

The routine of a disorder. The rules. Alternatively the things she does and tells herself to try to get through the thoughts. The constant battle to control it so she can be good for them and actually enjoy what should be easy.

"He doesn't know the secret
Here is the best part
This is going to take me
Right back to the start"

Seemingly safe gestures aren't safe. Good intentions aren't enough. Just looking deep into her eyes or having arms wrapped around her waist at the wrong spot or the wrong time could be enough to set her off. All of a sudden unable to stop feeling uncomfortable. Lots of pulling away and putting on the brakes and starting over...

"If I can keep it
If it set in mind
Wait until it sets
Come try it a second time"

The inner pep talk she gives herself every time that happens. A promise that it'll be better next time, she'll feel better, she'll work on it, it's not you, give me a little time, next time, next time.

"I can feel it move
Up into my head
It is in the room
Panic in the bed

I feel it coming on
Taking over you
Oh, please not tonight
There's nothing I can do"

Recognizing the signs, knowing what's happening, knowing it's her own mind, but still being helpless to stop it. Frustration and anger and tension filling the room, changing the atmosphere in less than a minute.

"This is bigger than me
This is in my fear
This is pitiful
I just disappear

Swears are falling from me
Swallow up inside
?
Won't make this subside"

Trying to explain herself, why it's so hard, why it can't be fixed by another person, even someone she loves. It's become a part of her. It probably won't ever truly be gone. Hating herself for it. Feeling like the other person deserves more, deserves normal. Wanting to be alone so she doesn't have to think about it anymore, or burden anyone else when she inevitably does.

"I can barely handle
I can pass the time
Staring through the curtains
Up into the sky

Where there is no
depth perception
Keep preoccupied
self-deception"

Disassociating, like someone mentioned in a previous comment. Isolating. Disconnecting. Avoiding more potential disappointment and resentment and sadness by refusing to face the problem head on. Running from the anxiety. Distracting from self-reflection. Hiding from the mirror of another persons' eyes. Wishing for solace from the constant thoughts and patterns. Escaping to a temporary moment of peace.


"Nobody recognizes
It doesn't have a name
My brother is infected
He's acting just the same

Screaming like a siren
Up and down the hall
He just wants to stop it
He wants to end it all"

These things are intangible, ambiguous, and so they go untended and untamed until they ruin you. You're trapped in your own mind while the world still rushes all around you, expecting you to keep up, to hold your end. This is the raw, painful crying in the middle of the night, the desparate praying for something to change. the same praying that turns into begging, but instead of begging for a change, you're begging for an end.

"I am just a child
I am nothing more
Than the basic functions
I am running from

I could run a mile
My distortion
Everything is
Disproportioned"

So far you could say this is all grasping at straws and filling in the blanks. But these lines are such a clear description of living with an eating disorder or body dysmorphia that I can't see it any other way.

"All is back again
Everything is closer
More is just the same
And I can hear it
It's rewind
I will just forget this
'Til next time"

I'm not sure if these lyrics are even correct, but the general vibe I get from them is resignment. Giving in. It's a pretty depressing way to end the song, but honestly, that's usually how this kind of story goes. You freak out, you ignore, you move on, you wait for it to happen again.

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The Naked And Famous – Spank Lyrics 5 years ago
@[CassieSings:5702]

Thanks for actually having something to say instead of another lyric correction! :D

I agree with your interpretation! I especially think "disassociating" is a fitting word. Mine takes it a little farther but that's because I tend to connect songs to personal issues, and just in general take things way too seriously haha xD

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Snow Patrol – New York Lyrics 5 years ago
A different take...

I know it's probably a wrong one, but all I can think is that New York is a metaphor for death.

This song is asking, "please come back"

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Radiohead – Worrywort Lyrics 5 years ago
I feel it's a last goodbye to someone close who took their own life.

Reminiscing on the memories shared, how they withdrew from the world, how you tried to get them back by telling them to look to the future.

But at the same time...telling them that it's okay to be happy now...hoping they are.

Knowing that things could have been different. There could have been so much more. But you can't change it.

So you just hope that now they have the peace they were longing for throughout their entire life.

N.L.M. <3

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Fiona Apple – Paper Bag Lyrics 5 years ago
@[andrewalexander:2662]

I know it's been 3 years and you probably don't even check this site anymore...but just in case you do, I wanted to say that I've been through a very similar situation (only difference is I was never officially with my "ex").

I went into a mental hospital to deal with my eating disorder, depression, and drug addiction. Just a few weeks before that I expressed my true feelings for my best friend and believed she returned them...but in reality it was just a drug-fueled fling, and she was actually in love with someone else. I was too blind to see, just kept believing she meant it when she said she needed me.

I went and got help, thinking when I got out that everything would be the way I imagined: we'd be together, happy. But the time away just allowed her to get closer to this man and things had clearly changed without me noticing. I had a brief open relationship with them both but, as those things tend to do, it got complicated. Jealousy and confusion poisoned our entire friendship.

I was doing well with my recovery for a few months, and I'm still sober thank God, but the ED has slowly crept back into my life to fill the void of losing not just the hope of love, but the comfort of having a friend I thought I'd have forever.

Long story short: been there, still kinda there, "there" sucks majorly, and I hope you've found a path to a different place. I'm still trying :)

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Bob Dylan – Dreamin' of You Lyrics 5 years ago
I wish I could say something less blunt...but I'm all out of words...it's just music that expresses the feelings more than I ever could. It's been 5 months but there are still those odd times when I feel like he's still here. I hope that feeling never goes away.

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Bob Dylan – I'll Remember You Lyrics 5 years ago
Nick Mindek <3

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Bob Dylan – Dreamin' of You Lyrics 5 years ago
This song makes me think of someone I loved. He killed himself. Even now we don't know exactly what triggered him to do it.

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CHVRCHES – Tether Lyrics 5 years ago
My friend recently committed suicide and this song is hard to listen to now...

"Where'd you go, you were there by my side
Keep believing it's my turn to hide
In a place where we don't have a prayer
There's a tether that's keeping me there"

I've always thought about doing the same as he did, before and after. But I just can't. There's a tether. I wish he had felt one too.

"Trade our places
Take no chances
Bind me 'til my lips are silent."

I still wished so badly at first that I could have traded places with him. I couldn't say anything like that though. I didn't want anyone to worry or feel like I was attention seeking...I miss him so much. But I know what he was feeling and that's what hurts the most. I want to tell him how much I understood, that he could have talked to me! But I would settle for just switching...then I realize that doesn't fix anything...

"Will we ever get away from this place
It's an image that's burned on my chest"

This is the line that really gets me. We used to talk about someday leaving our hometown, doing something with our lives, getting better. Fuck.

"I'm feeling capable of
Saying it's over

I'm feeling capable of
Seeing the end"

And this is about acceptance of the situation...he's really gone...sometimes I hear it as "I feel incapable of" though. I don't know which one is truer to how I feel right now.

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CHVRCHES – The Mother We Share Lyrics 5 years ago
@[amydyan82:2348]

I totally agree with this being about the "undying love for your sibling." My sister and I's relationship has always been very difficult. She is 15 years older than me and there have been times when I thought we'd never speak again. I've hated her. I'm sure she's hated me. But at the end of the day I'd take a bullet for her...even if we cut each other off someday, we'll always be sisters.

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CHVRCHES – The Mother We Share Lyrics 5 years ago
@[delirium01:2347]

I've always said this is my sister and I's song, but oh my God the GOT reference is just perfect and I can't think of it in any other way now! xD

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Sleigh Bells – Tell 'Em Lyrics 5 years ago
"All the boys these days look away, look away, look away," seems IMO to be a pretty obvious statement about how ingrained anti-feminism is in this world ATM.

I don't think it has to be interpreted that way though, no need to bring feminism into every single thing. It just resonated for me.

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Sleigh Bells – You Lost Me Lyrics 5 years ago
I always hear the first or second, "what a way to die" as "but I'm ready to die." Even sadder.

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Alanis Morissette – Tapes Lyrics 5 years ago
To imagine him feeling this so strongly...I wish I had been there

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Alanis Morissette – Tapes Lyrics 5 years ago
Having had a friend recently commit suicide I can't help but just fucking cry

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Alanis Morissette – Simple Together Lyrics 5 years ago
I see how this could be meaningful to someone who has gone through a break up, but I feel differently.

The best guy I ever knew committed suicide in September. We always had a connection, deeper than any I've had with anyone, but we both had problems and couldn't overcome them to be with each other. More like I couldn't overcome mine...every time we were in a room together we would gravitate towards each other...but I would always distance myself again. The last thing he said was that I should answer the phone more often.

We could have been everything together if I had just realized how much he meant to me, if I had returned his love with no hesitation or fear. He understood and accepted everything about me but he couldn't do the same for himself.

I'll forever be in shock that he's gone. I can't stop imagining all the things we could have been, wishing I had been there for him, hearing his voice or sleeping next to him again.

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KT Tunstall – Lost Lyrics 6 years ago
Getting in way too over your head...

Could be a destructive and/or abusive relationship, an addiction gone too far, or a mental illness not being dealt with (such as, in my biased case, an eating disorder). Or your biggest goals and dreams starting to seem meaningless and disappointing. Disillusionment.

You're so "comfortable" with the convoluted insanity of what you've been doing that you don't know how to stop, or whether you should, or if you even *would*.

While a small part of you realizes it will inevitably end in death (addiction, mental illness, abuse) or irreparable damage to your body, your mind, your future...it's like you're afraid to change it because you're so used to it. Can't tell reality from what you *want* to be reality.

Can't understand how it got so wrong.

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Fiona Apple – Every Single Night Lyrics 6 years ago
@[veritas73:651]

Hi, I'm so sorry for not replying to your comment sooner! I'm having trouble believing that I wrote mine almost two whole years ago...time is fucking weird.

Anyways, thank you very much for your kind words. You have no idea how much I needed (and still need) to hear them...especially, "passion moves the world." I love that. It makes me want to keep writing and learning and hearing, and I've been struggling with finding that fire lately.

So yeah, thank you again. Keep listening to great music <3

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Hozier – To Be Alone Lyrics 6 years ago
"You don't know what hell you put me through
To have someone kiss the skin that crawls from you"

Such great writing.

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Sarah Jaffe – Watch Me Fall Apart Lyrics 6 years ago
I'd just like to thank you for your advice, random guy. The whole "you don't deserve power" thing was a bit harsh but I approve of your general message. I can't believe it's been FOUR years and I still feel every word of this post just as vividly and truthfully.

It's pathetic, honestly.

I will be taking your reply to heart very soon. I really do believe that the only way for someone who is depressed (such as I am) to feel better or be a better human being is to give back through some form of volunteer work, or even through your own friends and family.

Again, thank you.

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Elliott Smith – Things Are Hard (Seen How Things Are Hard) Lyrics 6 years ago
Correction, imo:

You were scared of what you thought, were so dizzy hot you break down and forgot
You stayed well away from trouble that you caused
Using all your strength to keep the world at arm's length
And now you get upset that something was lost..."

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The Milk Carton Kids – Michigan Lyrics 6 years ago
Just had to leave a small reply to say how much I relate to what you're going through right now.

I wish I was past this.

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Radical Face – Welcome Home Lyrics 6 years ago
While at first I strongly related to the whole lost-love theory, and still do, now I definitely can see it differently.

I didn't think this song could possibly be more heartbreaking, but damn. I identify so much with your interpretation - I'm going to be making a trip back home to see some family in a few months, and I'm dreading the onslaught of bittersweet nostalgia, because it's almost always accompanied by plain old ugly bitterness.

On one hand it *does* make me feel safe, warm, welcome. I mean - these are the people who really know me, this is the place that made me who I've become for better or worse. On the other, just...no. So many regrets, so many painful memories. And at the same time I find myself struggling to hold onto them, because there's good there, too.

I have to fight the unwanted pangs of happiness even harder than the moments of sadness. Because those are the ones that hurt the most when they inevitably evaporate within the span of a second. That barely-there, nearly-worn-away person I used to be, dances around the spotlight and haunts the edges of the stage.

My family has changed so much yet they are exactly as I remember, or at least how I imagine they used to be, because now I'm not sure how skewed my perceptions are. How different they might actually be. If I even saw who they really were way back then. If they even saw who I was.

Home is such a weird place to be.

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The Shins – Sleeping Lessons Lyrics 6 years ago
Me too!! I just didn't want to go overboard and start labeling ALL THE SONGS as eating-disorder related! I don't want anyone to think it's all I ever think about or hear in music...even if that may be the case sometimes -.-

Thank you again!

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The Shins – A Comet Appears Lyrics 6 years ago
It's 2014, which means it's been seven years since you made this comment, and I don't give a fuck.

I heard this on Pandora, and while I've heard of the Shins and vaguely remember the video for "Phantom Limb," I never properly got into them. Obviously that's changed right quick, thanks to this song and your amazing interpretation!

I had to at least try and let you know how much I dig what you've written here. Of course for all I know, you've completely forgotten about this site or even this particular song, but I couldn't let it be. So although I may only be speaking into the faceless, unfeeling oblivion of the internet, it still doesn't make it any less true...

So yeah. Thanks for the insight. You gave someone a little something to think on in the middle of the void when you wrote this, all the way back in 2007 :)

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Portishead – Elysium Lyrics 6 years ago
I generally morph songs into whatever trouble I'm having at the moment so...here goes:

I see it from my own point of view, talking to myself (have I mentioned I'm a little self-centered at the moment? =P).

I've been struggling with disordered eating patterns and a very fucked up sense of image since I was 13. It only really started to overwhelm and control my life two years ago, and now it won't go away.

I can't see the good in me unless I've starved for 3 or 4 days. It's disgusting and selfish but I feel as if I've lost the will to even want to recover.

"And no one decided that I'd feel this way
If you felt as I
Would you betray yourself?"

There isn't anyone I can point to and say, "You! You put these feelings in me!" That's absurd. Nobody "decided" to give me this problem. Sure, I can go around saying it was my family's casual remarks about everybody's appearance and weight that seemed to enter into every conversation,
or maybe it was the mass-media that drowned me into submission, gave me a complex about what I saw in the mirror, what others must see, and my role as a woman. But ultimately it's *my* voice inside my head, giving me orders.

Often, when someone asks me why I do this to myself, why I would choose (because it is a choice, no matter how over-powering the compulsion feels) to deprive myself for days upon days only to gorge myself and start over, I ask them: would you do the same if your own mind convinced you it was the right thing? And they say no, because they haven't had to fight their own mind in that way, or they have enough willpower to fight back. Well, that's you. This is me.

"But, you can't deny how I feel
And you can't decide for me"

It's become pointless to talk about this with anyone close to me. I understand and I don't hold it against them at all: but it's so fucking frustrating when all I want to do is vent, let go of my constant stream of bullshit thoughts for one second, and instead of listening, they always have an answer. They try to solve the problem, fix me, tell me everything that is wrong with what I'm doing and how I'm feeling. I can't be mad. They love me and they're trying to help...and for a while, I tried to stop, but until I try for *me* it won't ever stick. Most of our conversations go around in circles until they eventually end with "You don't want help. Why are you complaining when you're not making an effort to change? You aren't taking our advice, so why are you talking about it?" So I stopped talking about it.

"No one should fear what they cannot see
And no ones to blame it's just hypocrisy"

Nobody should become a slave to an invisible affliction...I'm not saying mental disorders are in any way better or worse than a physical one, but there's something wrong with the way people deal with them. No one should have to live life in fear of the next time their brain fucks them over. The worst part is "no one's to blame." Like I said above, when you have a mental illness, you can't point fingers...someone will call you out on your shit. You can talk with your therapist all day about your shitty childhood or how your father left you or how your mother doesn't know how to be a mother. But at the end of the day, it's just you. And if for even one moment you attempt to point out some of the reasons why you might have this problem, just to help someone understand or to try to make sense of the situation? Most people will refuse to entertain you unless they are being paid to listen. It's your life, at some point you have to stop blaming the past...no matter how "hypocritical" it may seem to forgive or forget the mistakes of others.

"It's written in your eyes
And how I despise myself" - self-explanatory.

"And it's your heart
That's so wrong
Mistaken
You'll never know
Your feathered sacred self"

It's your very soul that's sick. You look in the mirror and if you aren't hit with waves of repulsion and disgust, you might feel a tiny bit of contentment if only you could fix *blank* or maybe erase *blank.* You kind of know that you're being stupid, that what people say must be true: you're not fat, you're not ugly, you're fine. If you're not beautiful, you must at least be average, right? And so for a little while you try to accept yourself. Maybe for a day. But it always comes back. It always follows you around. It's always there behind you, waiting to sour any compliment, to infect every glance on your walk home, to darken every morning you get ready to leave the house, to poison every meal.

You can't see the beauty. You can logically understand that it's probably there, to some people, maybe, and that your way of thinking is extremely deluded. Of course, it doesn't matter, not really. Logic fades. Your heart is stronger, and your heart is sick.

You'll never see the "you" that fucking matters. The person inside the body, under the skin, hidden in the shell you've hated for years and have worked so tirelessly to improve. Or has your aim been to destroy it all along? To finally get at what lies beneath? Because *that's* who really needs your attention. But you'll never see her at the rate you're going.

Sorry. I got carried away. This probably sounds pretentious and overwrought as fuck but I couldn't stop and I had to release it somehow. I'll just write in my journal next time I listen to Portishead -.-

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Elliott Smith – New Disaster Lyrics 6 years ago
I think it's about going through a continual, seemingly unending cycle of depression...

Always having a problem, whether it be drugs, stealing, an eating disorder, sex, prostitution, drinking, gambling, suicidal thoughts...just always having something wrong, until it's become a part of your identity...everyone knows there's always *something* up with you. You defeat one bad habit only to pick up a new one. You get over one hurdle only to run into the next.

Getting help scares you. How could you possibly be yourself without your demons, your vices, your sadness? If you "tame your master," who will you be? Yet you know if you continue to live with them, they'll eventually destroy you...so what do you do?

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Karen Dalton – Something On Your Mind Lyrics 6 years ago
Just heard the Wall cover of this song. Beautiful and haunting!

I think we all know exactly what's on this person's mind. There is always another choice...sometimes it's near impossible to find the will to keep on trying, but what else can you do? You must.

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Hole – Where Did You Sleep Last Night (Lead Belly cover) Lyrics 7 years ago
So, it's 2014 now. 10 fucking years have passed since this comment.

But I don't care. This comment is PERFECTION! I couldn't stop laughing and nodding my head while I was reading it. Soooo agreed with you.

Sorry for being so late to the party but what can I say...I'm fashionable like that...;)

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Veruca Salt – Aurora Lyrics 7 years ago
You were both using. Everyone said she would end up dead if she kept it up. Well, they were right.

You loved her so fucking much.

You move on, sorta. You do something worth congratulations and you get them, from lots of people, and you're grateful, you are...

But you loved her so fucking much.

She should be here.

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Nine Inch Nails – I Do Not Want This Lyrics 7 years ago
"I want to know everything, I want to be everywhere, I want to fuck everyone in the world, I want to do something that matters."

These are the thoughts that circle and chase me all fucking day, the thoughts that suffocate and hound me all damn night. What could I be doing right now? What should I focus on? What's the next thing I should do? How should I do that? Can I do that? I like that person, that person, that person, how can I be the person they would like? Wait, am I even into them? What am I doing with my life? Why do I work here? Should I go to college? When is a good time to do that? What do I want to study? EVERYTHING! NOTHING! EVERYONE! NO ONE!

I don't remember what it was like when my mind was *normal* and functional, when each thought wasn't the beginning of a motherfucking explosion of insanity. When I could plan or contemplate things without having a full-blown, rocking-back-and-forth meltdown.

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Nine Inch Nails – And All That Could Have Been Lyrics 7 years ago
Someone who's never experienced depression couldn't write about it in as much depth as you have...so I have to ask...have you beaten it yet?

"And happiness and peace of mind/Were never meant for me."

That line has always stuck out for me. People under the control of this fucking awful disease are convinced that they will never get better. Maybe they know, logically, that they can be happy someday, and maybe they remember moments of happiness past. But they also "know" that it can never last. They will fall back down. They will always, always be held hostage to their own mind. It's near impossible to break the spell, so why bother waiting until the next high only to crash again?

I want so bad to end this cycle

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Rilo Kiley – Jenny, You're Barely Alive Lyrics 7 years ago
While I agree with you for the most part, I *really* think that maybe "the silly eating disorder idea" was not the best way to put it...

People hear what they want to hear in a song - a reflection of their own experiences and emotions. As someone that has struggled with disordered eating for the past 3 years with no clear end in sight, it's pretty shitty to belittle a particular interpretation as being "silly" and wrong.

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Eleni Mandell – Beautiful Lyrics 7 years ago
If anyone has followed my comments recently then this is going to be extremely redundant...but I associate this feeling with using: the total euphoria.

It's fleeting.

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The Shins – Sleeping Lessons Lyrics 7 years ago
Hey ChoppedLiver, not sure if you'll see this because to my knowledge songmeanings doesn't have a "reply to" function for replying to replies (does the word reply sound weird now? xD), but I just wanted to say thank you. It's somewhat comforting to know I'm not just extremely deluded...I mean, I am, but not completely :)

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Siouxsie and the Banshees – Voodoo Dolly Lyrics 7 years ago
The way I treat my body has to stop...

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The Blow – Did You Drive Lyrics 7 years ago
A frenzied, coke-fueled, uninhibited night spent on the very top of the world, carrying out various disgusting, careless, and/or borderline irredeemable actions that all felt so great in the moment that you did some of them twice and all of them with a smile on your face. This is, of course, followed by a lonely, unbearably sober morning spent counting all of the brand-new reasons you now have to hate yourself, in case you were running short of them or didn't think it was possible for any more to exist. What's for breakfast? A healthy heaping hell of soul-crushing regret and heart-breaking guilt, accompanied by an irresistible urge to either *finally* kill yourself or to find more cocaine in a desperate attempt to blissfully ignore the obvious, slow, pathetic death of all your life's goals and dreams.

That's just off the top of my head though, not speaking from personal experience or anything.

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Aimee Mann – Wise Up Lyrics 7 years ago
felt your comment was worthy of at least one reply, being the highest-rated and all =P

Seriously though...your words struck me just as still as the song itself. It's actually kind of frightening in a way...I'm not sure if that means I'm just not ready to "wise up" and do what needs to be done, whatever that is, or if it means I absolutely need to do that or shit's gonna get worse.

In other words: thanks for making me think!

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The Blow – Parentheses Lyrics 7 years ago
I know this is a very narrow-minded way of interpreting the deli aisle line, but I can't help but tie it to my own experiences grocery shopping as someone trying to fight an eating disorder...part of being close to me is dealing with the fact that this normal, every-day responsibility for other people, is like climbing a towering mountain of crazy in my head. Every fucking trip is a brand new hell to go through and I wouldn't be able to do it without the never-ending patience and understanding of the people who love me...and even though I'm pretty sure they have no idea this song exists or would ever see this: Thank you so much for being there for me <3

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Mazzy Star – Roseblood Lyrics 7 years ago
"Her depression has gotten to a point in which no one knows who she is anymore..." This. I've been trying to come up with a way to describe this feeling and haven't been able to until reading that. That's what I think this song is about: the slow, fade-from-the-world feeling you get when you're in the clutches of a deep depression. I can't explain it very well...but I'm going through it. It's just this off-kilter sense of disconnect from everyone around you, day after day, until you basically feel like you're sleepwalking. It's a mind numbing cycle, repeating itself until you're powerless and unable to resist the pull of the routine. You watch as you're dragged through the calendar and you can't even stop it. All you are anymore is a snapshot of a smile to a stranger, alive for the second that they see your face, and then plunged back under your fucking abysmal tide of monotony.

And then you shake that shit off and go on songmeanings to bitch about the whole ordeal lol

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Portishead – Threads Lyrics 7 years ago
It is so fucking exhausting to be constantly doubting, always planning and reflecting and figuring and holding every damn decision and action under a microscope. Some days are just completely overwhelming...you start to see life as a series of multiple outcomes with no clear path, let alone any worthwhile, attainable goals...like it's just a pointless, losing battle to even give a shit about anything. I want *so* badly to enjoy life without this incessant, claustrophobic, inner-mechanism of nagging. I wish I could tune my brain out and switch on some secret "coast" mode. It would be so nice to just *live* instead of...whatever the hell this is...it's suffocating

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