| Memphis May Fire – Vices Lyrics | 5 years ago |
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I can relate this song to myself quite easily. Last year in highschool, I was trying to keep going with a class that I actually dislike but that I force myself to like to feel some fake joy. My parents kept forcing me too saying I am too anti soical. Well, I decided to give it one last shot. Things started better than I expected, easily finding a dance partner for the next year's republic ceremony, getting into a Project team led by some of my classmates. I also fell in love for the first time in my life, it was more real than any other but I couldnt open myself to her. The thing is I accepted the said partner's request without knowing the one I had feelings for did not have a partner, that already sparkled something, to make things worse my partner was trying to get near me too much and I was feeling an immense discomfort. I just started to wait for a sign to leave her out and guess what, it popped up during the first lesson when she meaninglessly fought the teacher and left the lesson, I was embarrased but also happy to know deep inside that I had a reason to change partners. I left her and thats where the domino started, a berating from people who wouldnt do a thing for me before started to rise and the one I wanted to dance with got matched with a even worse kind of loser than me?I just ended up getting matched with her friend.This was followed by my removal from the Project team. I tried to find love somewhere else but it also failed. I just waited for the term to end so that I could have a breath. Now our story begins, the part heavily related to the song. Despite all the lesson course to improve myself with my lessons has been treating me well. I also laid my back on gaming communities more than ever before as I had little to no friends in the World I woke up to every day. But the sad thing is it was hard to live in those places as I would take my anger out of people in chat servers and get in trouble. I was hurt but I showed no sign of it once I entered there and put myself in a cycle that mentally harmed me. First day of the second term went just as I expected, being soically boycotted my so called friends from class. So one day I was going back home and saw a tobacco shop and a fridge with beer inside. Most may not have told you how does it start but I just want to. It all started with "I deserve being able to lay of my stress" and bought that one can of beer. Drowning myself every night: Three or Four times in a week I was drinking on way back home and diminishing the smell with a pack of gum, I just started buying and drinking uncontrollably to supress some voice. Me versus me has always been the biggest fight: If mankind's biggest strength is will, your will against your will is tougher than anything. For my case this happened in heat of mixed feelings with my one side telling me to forgive once again and the other side etelling me to start following my wrath. This also involved my e-life as I would later discover that I was harassing people just to get in toruble and get myself banned to get rid of such waste. But the thing is even I got myself banned, I used an alt to come back because I failed to forgive the past. It ended with all the people I harassed gathering up at once and harassing me, I abandoned thought and removed all my accounts by my will. It was really one me against the other me I've been so confused for so long And the answers always seem so far out of sight: I tried finding a solution for my depression by seeing help from professionals but even that couldnt answer my issues, I coudlnt, someone who knew how to somehow couldnt. Even telling about it is confusing right? So I fill it up, fill it up one more time So when everything is wrong at least I still feel right I'm in the tunnel but I can't see the light: I just forget all that has happened whenever I start sipping from my can or bottle, and I just keep myself in the sh....thole by going this way. I just want to feel whole again So I can let you in: I dont feel right enough to Express my love to her I've been thinking this could be the end of me:It became so hopeless that I thought I d end up killing myself Who is this person in the mirror I see?: I cannot believe how much did I fall from what was I once and seeing this makes me feel even worse And I have come so far, thought I was so strong The truth is I've just fed myself a lie for too long: I thought a third chance would make things right and I was strong enough to overcome and cons in the life I envisioned for myself But now I'm on the verge of self destruction: I start dreaming about suicide I've never been the type to run from anything, run from anything: I was usually a person to stand my ground before all these happened, I just feel like running away to my safespace So sick and tired of wondering where my morals have göne My father didn't raise me to become this Where did I go wrong?: I used to be a proud student before highschool with praise from teachers and marks, now things are vice versa and I dont even care about things that I would spend so much effort If I was that person. I am slipping into the path my father kept telling me to not get into but I am somehow, I dont even remember the breaking point from trying to forget everything to comfort myself. I let everyone around me down: I dont care about people around me because I start to take joy from watching them suffer There is not much left of me I can't feel the ground beneath my feet: I am slowly becoming hollow and being insensitve to my surrondings And now I'm headed to the bottom of the bottle Just to block out the sound: Like I said before, drinking supresses all the fight insid and worries for me God I need you now : I want to ask for help from god but I cant even as I start to hate the entire existence that "let me down" This is my vice, this is me weak: My gaming community and drinking addiction keeps being a placeholder constantly and I am too weak to face the thing myself I need your love to erase this doubt I need your hand to pull me out: I try to reach out to my love but even if I make a sound it is doubtful and unready, only she can pull me out of this hole Sometimes I feel like I will never learn 'Cause the bottle's always there when I have nowhere else to turn Will I ever learn? Will I ever learn?: The bottle of beer comforts me when even my parents start to get disappointed with me and it is the only thing to turn to. I am too afraid that this will be me till the end of my life because I wont learn I take another sip The dark room that I'm in becomes dimly lit This can't be all there is: When I was drinking with my friends from summer season there was too much drink which gave me the opportunity to enter the state where I could absolutely abandon this wretched World for a moment, I got drunk and it took all my friends to got my crap together for hours. I know there is a World out there with things more than sorrow and disappointment. But do not worry friends, story does not end here, follow me to Never Too Late and Life Starts Now by Three Days Grace perhaps one more once this year ends |
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