They said I might have to go into hospital again in a month or so if things don't improve. I don't even care anymore.

The night times are getting worse. That when the dark thing that lives and grows inside me is most active. It swells and rages like a massive stormy sea, and all I do is lay there and let it wash over me. Its all I can do.

The psychiatrist said I have 'resistant depression'. I have no clue what that means, but then I don't have a clue about lots of things these days.

I've been listening a lot to Breaking Down by Florence And The Machine. ts the most accurate song about depession that I know of.

In Vincent Van Gogh's suicide note he wrote: 'the sadness will last forever' and I know now that he was right.

I don't really know what to write. It seems like there's nothing to say.

I think about suicide a lot, and I wish I had a gun.

Some people believe that when we die we become a star, but I think I'd become the darkness between the stars.

Does anyone actually read what I write? I always wonder. I'm thinking about maybe deleting my account. I don't know why.

I was flicking through my old book of D.H Lawrence poems to the parts I had highlighted, and I found this:

'I would bear the pain.

But always, strong, unremitting

It would make me not me.

The thing with my body that would go on living

Would not be me.

Neither life nor death could help.'

And thats all I have to say.

I'm not me anymore.

I'm empty.

Its before school that I'm writing this.

I feel so weighted, and I'm really worried, but I don't know why. It feels like coils of wire twisting around my insides. I hate having anxiety.

My self-esteem has been getting lower and lower, and now I avoid even looking in mirrors.

I want this all to go away. I wish I didn't even exist. I'm just so mad at myself for not seeing this coming for me.

I can feel it. Just like the times before. But different. Final.

I can feel it, and I think its forever.

She left for university today. The way my mum said it was, she said it 'was the end of an era'.

I just feel like maybe its the end of an era for me too. Like I wake up, and I swear I'm a little less than I was yesterday.

I know I 've lost myself, and I don't know whether its worse that I'm gone, or worse that I actually don't care anymore.

I think its that moment were you realize that if you died the world wouldn't end. No one would care probably, except your family. For me, four, maybe five people. It really wouldn't matter if I died.

Then its the moment when you realize you really don't want to exist anymore. Because every day is filled with heavy sadness, and you don't really enjoy or understand anything. You're with people, but you're alone.

The first time I tried to kill myself, popping those white pills in my mouth one by one, I was amazed that the most alive I'd felt in months was in trying to die. The second time, I got sadder in hospital when I saw the kind nurse with scars on her arms, gotten the same way I'd gotten mine.

I just feel like its time to go.

I've been trying to act happier, but it all just feels so fake.

I'm so sad inside. I never knew people could be sad like this before it happened to me. I never knew peope could be sad for this long.

The only good thing is that the diet I've been on is woring. I've lost almost half a stone, so thats good.

I don't feel like writing about some stuff that has happened. Most things aren't anything really, just a whole lot of nothing.

They said they'd been looking into a 'special' mental unit for people with Asperger's. Just in case, they said. I try not to think about it. Its best not to think.

I only feel a little less bad when I'm getting something, which makes me feel really guilty, but I think its more about having a purpose and something to look forward to.

There is absoloutely nothing else to write.

I keep waiting for something to change, but it never does. I feel like I'm just living with no purpose or reason, and that depresses me even more. I'm 15, but I already feel so old.

The scars on my arms seem so noticeable now. I know I can't escape. I wonder if I ever really existed before this started.

"When I look upon the past with her, she disappears without me noticing. Or she may not have existed from the start."