I am terrified by this dark thing that sleeps in me,

All day I feel its soft, feathery turnings,

Its malignity.

-Sylvia Plath

I don't know most days. I just don't. About what I'm not sure, I just know I don't know. 

I'm going to another psychologist/psychiatrist for a second opinion, and could end up in hospital again. I just don't care anymore.

I really need to hurry up and kill myself.

Anyway, I hope you all had a great Christmas.

Absoloutely nothing.

I have these photos that my parents took before they got married. They're of Niagra Falls.

Theres this one though, thats my favourite. Its of this dark tunnel. But at the end theres light, and the light is the opening of the tunnel where the waterfall is dropping down.

I feel like that. Like even if theres a light in all of this, it will actually only be a steep drop to sudden death. I know that sounds morbid. I know how cliche I sound. Some depressed girl telling her troubles online anonymously. I know how its cliche to acknowledege being cliche. Whatever.

I feel empty.

Not too fast, too slow,

Two steps and drown ,

We got no fear

Gotta take the danger

Too fast, too slow

Two steps and drown

No fear, no fear, no fear

No fear, no fear, no fear

Save me from the ceiling

Save me from myself

Nevermind, just save yourself

Keep your eyes on the prize

And your ear to the street

Or this game that you spit

Will become obsolete

Fuck the game, fuck the rules

Most of all, fuck you It's just the way I feel

The more I smile the less I bruise

Don't stop and think about it In your heart no one will doubt it

I can feel it breaking

Hang me from the ceiling I got the feeling that it's my time to go

If today was my last day here

You're the last one that I'd wanna see

Is there anybody listening, anyone at all

'Cause I am too close to the edge

And I am afraid I'll fall

Not trying to be different

'Cause we're all the same

Please take what you need

Doctor, help fix my brain

Help fix my brain, help fix my brain

Fuck the shame, fuck the truth

Most of all, fuck you

It's just the way I feel

The more I smile the less I bruise

Hang me from the ceiling I got the feeling that it's my time to go

If today was my last day here

You're the last one that I'd wanna see

And it doesn't ever feel right

No matter what it tastes like

So I'll take every last one of these pills

To kill what's inside of me

You can keep your fun, fun memories

Envision what I used to be

Teenage teardrops on my pillow

You reach for the stars but we end on the ceiling

Hang me from the ceiling I got the feeling that it's my time to go

If today was my last day here You're the last one that I'd wanna see

-Teenage Teardrops, Heartsrevolution

I wake up.

I wish I hadn't.

I get up.

I take the pills.

I go to school, or I stay at home.

I do something to pass the time, or more often I don't.

I take the pill.

I go back to sleep.

I repeat.

I've lost hope in everything. Its not a matter of if anymore, its a matter of when. I really think I should start planning more seriously. Its hard to bear every day.

Sat on the bathroom floor I knew this was it, I'd finally lost my mind.

I am a downward spiral kid

All racing pulse and ragged breathing

Head down and awkward walking

A sadness inside that's never leaving

Late nights and tiny blades

With sliced skin and dripping blood

Muffled crying into pillows

I would change it if I could

Don't fret

Long sleeves do the trick

I'm so good

At hiding being sick

I wake up

And the darkness suffocates

Thing is

I don't want you to resuscitate

A dark tunnel with no end

Watch as I lose all my friends

Its like a scream that is silent

Heavy weights and inner violence

I look in the mirror

Hating what I see

Always falling endlessly

I often wonder if this was always waiting to come for me, or if it could've been avoided. I don't know which is more depressing: the fact that I have no choice in this and that it was always there, or the fact that it was my fault, and something I did wrong.

'All alone it was always there you see
And even on my own
It was always standing next to me
I can see it coming from the edge of the room
Creeping in the streetlight holding my hand in the pale gloom
Can you see it coming now?

Ah-ah, ah-ah I think I'm breaking down again
Ah-ah, ah-ah I think I'm breaking down

All alone even when I was a child
I've always known there was something to be frightened of
I can see it coming from the edge of the room
Creeping in the streetlight holding my hand in the pale gloom
Can you see it coming now?

Ah-ah, ah-ah I think I'm breaking down again
Ah-ah, ah-ah I think I'm breaking down

All alone on the edge of sleep
My old familiar friend
Comes and lies down next to me
And I can see it coming from the edge of the room
Smiling in the streetlight even with my eyes shut tight
I still see it coming now

Ah-ah, ah-ah I think I'm breaking down again
Ah-ah, ah-ah I think I'm breaking down again
Ah-ah, ah-ah I think I'm breaking down again
Ah-ah, ah-ah I think I'm breaking down'

-Breaking Down, by Florence And The Machine

I'm struggling to just get through the day now.

The weight of living is always dragging me down, and I'm overhelmingly sad.

They're looking for an appropriate unit to admit me to. I know it won't help.

Throughout the day I keep getting struck by the fact I'm gonna have to wake up and do this all again tomorrow, and its hard to take.

Theres no nice way to say that any chance I get I'm checking out of this world.

I can't do this anymore.

Inside of her

The biggest thing I know

The blackest thing too

A mouth that droops low

Blades for fiingers

Jagged shards of glass all over

The smell of failure that lingers

The pointlessness of everything fo eyes

Suicide for a heart

Fat for thighs

She breathes in worthless

Empty empty empty

And breathes out darkness

She can't see the sun anymore

Yet still smiles and laughs

She's adrift on an ocean with no shore

Yet still gets out of bed