Well, I got grounded last night. For the next week I supposed to go to sleep at 10pm. Do you know how insane that is? How can I sleep at 10pm? It's like the middle of the day for me. It's just not gonna work. Anyway, it's freaking July and I don't have a mouthpiece, let alone a molded one. How the hell can I fight without a mouthguard? Ugh. I'm in a bad mood. I'll update on my wonderful life later.

You know what? Life is a bitch. Grow the fuck up and get over it. All of this bullshit is ridiculous.

There aren't many people I have unconditional love for, but my little sister, Adreanna Jade (A.J.), tops the list. I love her with everything in me and all that I am--more than life in itself. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that if I had to choose between myself and A.J., I'd kill myself every time. She's only 5 years old, and she's already been to Hell and back. It hurts just to think about her--about the things she's seen because of Bill. Such an innocent soul, already covered in so many scars. If there were a way to erase all the hurt, I wouldn't think twice about doing it. When I tell someone that I love them, it doesn't just mean "I love you." The implied message is that I'll always have your back, I'll do everything in my power to protect you from evil, I'll be your best friend, I'll never replace you, I'll be with you until the end, keeping you safe, and guiding you throught life, giving words of wisdom along the way. When I tell A.J. that I love her, it's so much more than that. I look at her and see a blonde-haired, brown-eyed angel. She's always been so beautiful and full of life, even after everything she's been through. That little spark in her eyes has never faded. That little girl has become my whole world. I've forgiven my father for screwing me over, but screwing over everyone else is unforgivable. The worst part is that he doesn't feel guilty. In his mind, Bill is the victim. He has a way of twisting reality to suit his own version of things. I'm afraid he will impose or impress that upon A.J., but I feel helpless to change it. What's done is done. There's no going back. For now, just know that I love her, and I haven't lost hope. Can you believe that I haven't even met her yet? But when I do, I'll be sure to tell her that in the end, it was all for the best. God has a plan for every last one of us, we just haven't figured it out yet. In the meantime, life your life, never let anyone stop you, and don't hold back. The best revenge is happiness, but don't search for it. You can't change the past, but the past can change you. Don't forget who you are or where you're from. It built you. Everything happens for a reason. Love, but keep a guard. Chase your dreams, and keep an open mind. Take risks. Life is what you make it. Make it worth living. --T. Rahn --I love you, Baby Jade.

This is fucked up.

I thought I could break you down piece by piece until I found that part of you that cared. I thought I saw something in your eyes worth finding. I refused to believe that there wasn't still good in your heart. You proved me wrong. You managed to capture my soul and tear it apart until it hurt so bad that I could barely breathe. You built me, and now you broke me. So congratulations. You won this battle. But I'm not as stupid as to think it's over. It's far from over. I'm still breathing. And I'm not losing next time.

I was online, going through all The Ultimate Fighter seasons, and came across season 5--the only one I haven't watched yet. Of course, I started going through the episodes. I never realized that Nate Diaz got his contract through that show. It was fun watching him be a normal person instead of inside the octagon punching people's faces. And man does he have a temper!! On The Ultimate Fighter, there are two teams fighting to get a six-figure contract. This season, the teams were Team Penn and Team Pulver. In one of the episodes, a member of Penn wrote, "Suck it Team Pulver," on the wall of the poolhouse. When Penn arrived, Nate saw this, and--being on Team Pulver--took it offensively. He went inside the house and lost it when he found out who wrote it. His teammates had to hold him back so he wouldn't get kicked off the show for fighting. A while later on the show, Diaz got into a confrontation with Karo Parisyan--a professional fighter. Once again, he almost got into a fight, but he backed off. Diaz says it had nothing to do with the fact that Karo was the only person to defeat his older brother--Nick Diaz--but I suspected that even if it wasn't the entire reason, it played a part in the hostility. But overall, Nate was an outgoing, funny, prankster. He seemed cool to hang around, which was totally different from his personality inside the cage. Season 5 was full of well-rounded, lightweight fighters. They were a bunch of crazy fuckers, and if was an exciting season to watch. In my opinion, it was the best to watch. Season 5 had everything. Good fighters, beefs, personal issues, even down to a guy sticking a tube up his ass to make weight--he failed, by the way. My favorite season by far.

I'll start this off by saying that my father is a psychotic mind and I hope he rots in Hell. He currently resides in the Pocahontas State Correctional Center. In case you didn't already know, that is a prison for bad people. The last time I talked to Bill--my dad--was through letters. Some of the things I said upset him and he just gave up on me. Who knew the cowardly lion had a twin brother? Anyway, Mom decided to take me to meet him today, without me knowing. Halfway there she tells me where we were going. I was pissed as all hell, but she refused to head back. When we finally arrived, Bill agreed to see me. Mom stepped back and let us talk--or rather, argue. What was supposed to be a regular conversation, turned into rage and blame. A few tables over, another inmate noticed us, and called me out. He told me that I had a big mouth, that I needed to shut up and respect Bill. Being the angry little girl I am, I walked over to him, and showed him just how big my mouth really is. I started off by telling him that he was in no place to be telling me who to respect or what to do. I went on by saying how it was none of his business, and that his fucking pie hole is a hell of a lot bigger than mine. I finished with a, "So step off, bitch," that got me shoved back. Next thing I know, Bill has this dude on the ground, laying punch after punch on his face. Within seconds, the guards came running. They pulled Bill off of a bleeding smartass breathing heavily on the floor. My mom and I were kicked out, and Bill was sent to solitary along with the other dude. And that was my prison experience. Thanks a lot, Mom.

It's 12:30 in the morning and I'm sitting here eating ice out of a hardee's cup. I haven't been to sleep since 8am yesterday, and I'm not even tired in the least bit. I'm seriously worried that I am becoming nocturnal. I mean, owls are cool and all, but I don't think nocturnal is really the way to go. So from now on, I'm pledging to myself that I'll fall asleep BEFORE noon the next day. Let's see how this goes...

Story of the night: It was 10 o'clock, and I decided it was about time to head back to my room for the night. I walk into my parents' bedroom to give them hugs. Mom was easy. Jay, however...he was playing with a kitchen knife. The sharp kind. I refused to come near him until he put it down because every time I came within a foot of him, he reached out, and pretended to cut me. It wasn't that I didn't trust him, but the fact that he's clumsy and could hurt me without meaning to made me feel a little sick to the stomach. He says, "Give me one good reason why you should be scared of me with a knife." I say, "Because you busted my teeth with a bicycle lock when you were just playing around with it." Kiya says, "Or because you accidentally set her hair on fire messing with a lighter." Mom says, "You did WHAT??" I say, "He lit my hair on fire and busted my teeth with a lock." Kiya says, "When did he do that?" He says, "It was a long time ago. She was younger than you." (Kiya is 9) I say, "See, you could cut me on accident, and if you do, I'm jumping in your car and getting blood all over the seats." Mom says, "I hope the neighbors can't hear this conversation." ____________________________________________________________________ Oh, the things we say in this house. I finally got Jay to put the knife down and give me hugs. It took a while, though.

My little sister, Kiya, is obsessed with Alvin and the Freaking Chipmunks. It drives me crazy. Their voices are so squeaky it sounds like someone driving over a pig that has a squeak toy stuck in its throat. They ruin all of the good songs, well most of them anyway. And lastly, since when do chipmunks sing?? Was the director born yesterday? I mean seriously!! Last time I checked, chimpmunks were funny-looking creatures that spend most of the day stuck in a tree nibbling on nuts. And now they're coming out with ANOTHER movie!!! This really is the end of all mankind. I just don't know if my ears can take any more of this crap. If any of you guys happen to be in the theaters watching CHIPWRECKED and suddenly see a squash fly at the screen...it was me. I hate Alvin and the rest of that dumb, cheesy gang from the bottom of my heart. They will be death of me. I can take talking creatures...but singing creatures is just taking it too far.