artemisagrotera's Journal

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  • Archives for June 2012

  • what was I thinking

    by artemisagrotera on June 29, 2012
    when I said it didn't hurt
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  • oh, hell.

    by artemisagrotera on June 28, 2012
    I thought I told myself I was going to stop posting shit like that when I was drunk, partly because the simple and earnest tone embarrasses me. I guess it's fairly innocent, though. Heavy-handed wish fulfillment dreams are kind of funny and cute sometimes. I feel compelled to offer context that I wasn't able to reconstruct appropriately at the time (because I was d r u n k) -- in the driving dream, I get the feeling that we are escaping some sort of end of the world calamity, and the war scenario was imminent total destruction of the earth by aliens or zombies or something. They always seem to be apocalyptic. My little girl subconscious screams "come save me!" ( from what? myself?) or "we can escape!" (again, from what? reality?) That seems sort of naive and cute and harmless if I'm in a good mood. I happen to be in a fairly good one today. I mean this as sort of a bookend, I guess. I like how I've felt the past few days, not compulsively obsessing over the content of several different sources that are not related to me, except maybe (I wish) only tangentially every once in a while. I like being able to talk to you in reality again. I forgot how much energy it takes to be living halfway in the ether and halfway grounded. I do enjoy being out there, especially if I think you are there too--I just shouldn't spend all of my time divided like that, looking for you. But that door is always open, and I am fairly certain I will find myself there again, and maybe you as well if I'm lucky. In the meantime, I'll look for you in the real world. I hope I see you soon.
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  • Even if you weren't asking me,

    by artemisagrotera on June 26, 2012
    I will volunteer this information: Yeah, you were. Every night since Friday. Sometimes you are saving me from something--we were driving away very quickly, I don't know what from. You were stressed out, but in control and concentrating very hard. It was kind of hot. Sometimes you are holding me and we are lying down, I think in your apartment, but I'm not sure. We are about to kiss, or things are about to escalate, but I never get to experience it. You are always wearing black, and you always look really good. You are almost always under duress, but handling it capably. But still, I never get to kiss you. I haven't been able to for months. No sex dreams either--for almost a year. But yeah, I dream about you a lot. I wish I dreamt about you more. I had one right around the spring equinox, in which there was a war going on and you came to rescue me, and you were angry that I wasn't taking care of myself, but I had secret knowledge about our safety, so I beckoned to you from under the covers and we held each other like lovers, but still I never got to kiss you. I just want to feel you near me. I want to know how it feels to share a kiss with you, how it feels to surrender. I wish I could have you in the dream world, because the possibility of that happening in the physical world seems so distant.
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  • @Beautifulme7:

    by artemisagrotera on June 25, 2012
    I am fairly certain I am only talking to myself.
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  • okay.

    by artemisagrotera on June 24, 2012
    I think I reset myself. I hope you could see there was good here, and there still is.
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  • no no no no no

    by artemisagrotera on June 24, 2012

    the timestamped archive that I consult when I want to use circumstantial evidence to guess how you are feeling, or to convince myself that something is going on even if it isn't--it's gone. Completely erased, forever. This hurts me so much that I actually feel sickened. I know it's your right to do whatever you want to do with your information for whatever reason, and not have to be burdened with whatever histrionic bullshit reaction I'm going to vomit all over this silly little journal, but the effect is that I'm devastated. I feel ridiculous and ashamed for feeling that way, but I can't help it. It gave me solace to believe that even when I felt like you were pulling away from me, I could look at what I imagined to be a history of emotions and reactions, and convince myself that there was a time when you felt differently. Even if it wasn't real, even if it was all invented by some part of my brain that wants to be loved so much that it conjured up an imaginary connection made of coincidence and incorrectly drawn conclusions, it gave me comfort, and some fleeting happiness. Knowing that it's gone is a terrible loss to endure. You probably did me a huge favor, but instead I feel like you just punched me hard in the gut and laughed. So obviously, I lose the signal if it gets cut.

    (Disclaimer: I am not assuming this has anything to do with me--I am just describing the effect. I know I am often delusional, and have trouble distinguishing reality from what my mind has made up. But paranoia is speaking pretty loudly to me today, and shame whispers in my ear that if I weren't such a nuisance, this never would have happened.)

    1 Comment

  • oh wow

    by artemisagrotera on June 22, 2012

    I am sorry. I forgot I even posted this until just now. You don't owe me anything, especially not an explanation for anything you do, ever. I'm still confused, but that's my own fault for choosing to take any of our interactions at anything but face value. (I imagine being friends with a crazy person (me) is probably exhausting and infuriating, but on a rare occasion, a really good time)

    I suppose this is further evidence of the quality of your work; it's driving me insane. (I meant that as a compliment with no sarcasm intended)

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  • I lost the signal

    by artemisagrotera on June 22, 2012
    I don't know what you want . I don't know what to do, I don't know what you mean, I don't know who you're talking to. If you're there, I can't feel you anymore. Please make it clear so I can stop wasting my time.
    1 Comment

  • i don't understand

    by artemisagrotera on June 18, 2012
    i don't understand why you take them back, or how you could not know
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  • Let's just do a bunch of drugs together

    by artemisagrotera on June 16, 2012
    and see what happens. Bodies take over. (actually, that's probably a terrible idea) That would have been a reasonable approach and a perfectly acceptable solution when I was 24 or 25. Now it's unbecoming, I think. I still kind of want to do it, though
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