artemisagrotera's Journal
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- Archives for May 2012
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On second thought
by artemisagrotera on May 29, 2012it really isn't any of my business. Do whatever it is that you need to do. Have fun, I guessNo Comments -
murderous
by artemisagrotera on May 29, 2012I know you need affection, but do you have any idea how angry it makes me to watch that, knowing what you've told me? Have fun. If you come, I hope you think of me. Don't let her use you.No Comments -
alone, weeping? yes, and yes
by artemisagrotera on May 25, 2012No CommentsIn fact, I did exactly that when I went to see you play last week. I didn't tell anyone I was coming, I went alone, I got a beer, and during the second song I leaned against the wall and wept silently until a mutual friend happened to find me. It was easy for me to play that off because it's not uncommon for me to cry in public at a good show. But lately, it's because something reminds me of you. More specifically, it's because I am afraid you have grown tired of me, or were never interested at all, or thought at first maybe you were interested until you discovered there is a lot of darkness not far below the surface, not always well-controlled, and maybe that feels like a recipe for disaster to you.
When I left your house the other day I would have preferred to stay and hold you instead. I was looking so hard for an invitation--I'm sure it was obvious and embarrassing to witness. I just wanted to lie down next to you for an hour or two and let you sleep. I wanted to feel you breathing. I wanted to kiss your shoulder and know how your skin tastes. I wanted to nuzzle the crook of your neck because you smelled so good. But that is the problem with proximity--once I have my arms around you, I don't want to let go. And if I hold you long enough, what I am trying to maintain as affection and mutual understanding becomes something a little less innocent. I want to press myself into you and ruffle your hair and kiss you until I can feel you running through me.
One of the things that makes me happiest right now is when I hug you just a little too long and you lean your head on my shoulder for just a moment. I think I actually sighed audibly last time you did that, and maybe you felt me collapse a little bit. Our friend was gracious enough to walk away and let me have a minute with you. But one of the things that makes me saddest is when I hug you too long and you pull away.
I'm sorry. It feels like that's all I'm allowed to have of you right now, and I hold on to those seconds as long as I can. -
it's so good to get hugs from you
by artemisagrotera on May 22, 2012No Commentsthat seems to be our only honest form of communication now
but i still wish we could talk to each other the way we did when we first met
like when you woke up on my couch and watched serial space drama cartoons with me
and i was happy that you stayed long enough to call out of work -
???
by artemisagrotera on May 19, 2012Does that mean you are telling me to fuck off again? I don't understand you. I thought I had been pretty clear. Does it make you happy to watch me take the bait and then pull it away? My feelings get hurt just as easily as anyone's, you know. I'm not here for your amusement. If anyone were able to observe this, they'd tell me I am a complete fool and I deserve whatever you dish out to me for being so stupid. Fuck you.No Comments -
Just so I'm clear
by artemisagrotera on May 18, 2012Trying to have a self-deprecating sense of humor about the way I put it out there does not in any way negate or disparage what I was, and still am, feeling. I want all those things, but often don't have the courage or the missing filter to articulate them unless my judgment is somewhat impaired. I still want to take you somewhere you've never been, literally and not metaphorically (well...maybe metaphorically too) so we can interact outside the framework of what is expected of us. Nature is always good for that, at least for me. I like the shelter of the woods. I want to show you the secret spring--which is also not a metaphor for something else, I swear, but I suppose it could be if you wanted it to be so. The practical problem for me is knowing whether you really want to engage in this or if you just are in love with the idea. I guess it is up to me to put my ego and pride on the line and find out, which scares the hell out of me. If my only choices are to lose you completely and forever, or to learn to enjoy the sexual tension in a friendship that might never be consummated, obviously I choose having you in my life somehow. But frustration easily turns into despair. The trouble is that I always seem to get shot down when I ask. Am I supposed to just show up unannounced and take you away without asking? I get the feeling you wouldn't like that much either. So I guess my question is do you prefer this to exist only here? Because once it's on the physical plane it seems guilt prevents either of us from making anything happen. That being said, trying to intellectualize these feelings or to analyze them rationally has never worked for me. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I just know I want you.No Comments -
Is there a 12-step program
by artemisagrotera on May 16, 2012for writing embarrassing drunk wish-fulfillment prose? If so, I should probably join it right awayNo Comments -
When do I get to
by artemisagrotera on May 15, 2012No Commentslie in your bed?
Take cover
We'll lie with each other
And feel what has been kept from us
I need to feel all of you
I'm tired of waiting
Not sure I care
Who gets what's due -
sometimes in the morning
by artemisagrotera on May 14, 2012my 4am drunk writing seems trite and nonsensical to me, but the sentiment is genuine and the intent is sincere.No Comments
thinking of you.
He's passed out,
but I'd bet you are too