it makes me ashamed because these are things I should keep to myself. I feel terrible that anyone is able to inspire me to act that way. I don't like being out of control. I don't like how it feels to realize that anyone has any power over me. All that was written completely sober, except for the very last post. I meant all of it, too, but maybe I should keep my mouth shut. No wonder you stay away from me. I'm obviously insane. I don't know if it would hurt you more to know all those things, or never to know them at all. I don't ever want to cause you sorrow, but it seems to me that whatever I do either way would probably make you sad in the end, even if I could give you some temporary happiness. Remorsefully yours (i hope i see you sometime soon. i promise i will try my best to behave)

and if we happened to find ourselves in each others' arms, what I would feel might utterly destroy me. Even thinking about it gives me chills, and my mind wanders. But everyone would notice the sharp contrast between how happy I would be and how miserable I've been for the better part of a year, and people would think my behavior highly suspicious. But I'm not sure that I care. But I'm also afraid to know where you are, in case I decide to go there.

but i want it want it want it
i want you to render me incapable of speech
i want you to destroy me. just a little death

"Fear is the lock and laughter the key to [my] heart and I love you."
i know i make it hard
that doesn't necessarily mean i can't go, go, go

What that says to me is

"Come here I need you"
"Oh wait, this hurts even to think about, so never mind. Now that you are ready to come to me, instead, don't come anywhere near me."
"Actually, why don't you just fuck off and leave me alone? Then we can both be miserable."

I have been crying so hard for the past 45 minutes in my car that people who walk by stare at me for a second and then look away very quickly. I have to go pick up my farm box and I'm a fucking wreck. Is this your intended effect? If not, then maybe we should try more literal methods of communication that aren't so open to multiple interpretations, unless that's actually how you want it to be, so I can keep thinking I'm making this all up and reading too much into simple coincidences, and continue driving myself insane. I just want to bring temaki to your house and we can hang out and watch dumb tv or listen to music. I won't touch you unless you want me to. I'm not a maneater. I'm just a complete goddamned fool. But I can't do it right now because I'm still crying and I'm a total mess. Actually, I don't know if I could do it at all, because it would hurt.

...oh. Okay. Maybe I do understand. (?)

I hate to inject any reality into this page, because this is where I can reflect on and perpetuate the unreality that I've created, but: I'm fairly sure he doesn't actually want me and doesn't want anything physical and just wants me to leave him alone. Maybe he enjoys entertaining the idea of forbidden love, or knowing someone admires him from afar; I don't really know. I think distance is key to this situation, although that's exactly the opposite of what I want. If what I wanted ever happened, I think he would grow bored and disillusioned with me very quickly. As long as he never truly knows me, there is no chance for me to disappoint him. Also, I tend to be a serial monogamist, and I'm almost certain he wants nothing at all to do with that. Maybe better to keep it in my head, because the very act of pulling fantasy into reality often destroys it.

I am surprised that it makes me cry to type this, even when I'm trying to be perfectly rational. I guess that shouldn't surprise me, but it certainly caught me off guard. It sounds sad and defeatist, like someone who won't take risks anymore because she's been crushed too many times, or has learned to edit herself as a form of self-preservation. I wasn't always that person. There is also a very real fear of violent retribution, and this fear is for his safety as well as my own. There's a big mess I need to take care of and it will take me quite some time to get my head straightened out after that. I don't expect him to wait around for that, and I don't think he wants to anyway. So because of that, I've allowed myself to become a fairly highly-functional alcoholic and occasional heroin addict so I can forget that I'm in love with him and my life is a mess that needs to be fixed before I should be allowed to be in love with anybody. I have to re-learn how to live for myself again, and I have no idea how I could have let myself forget to do that. But knowing all this rationally doesn't help me stop feeling what I feel. Thank you for reading and asking questions. It's terrifying to put it out there, but also therapeutic.

how it feels to be lying underneath you,
warm in your unmade bed,
out of breath and trembling

 



 

(this post brought to you courtesy of the horse and red wine; it's the sort of thing I usually edit for four hours and never post)
 

in laudanum veritas