the paralysed cold never passed

the shattered, waiting pieces that make it

what doesn't matter anymore.

the moonlight my city surrounded needed proof;

fear; it's buried by pieces of the sky

pieces to call home.

call my teeth at the shallow gates, i'm

waiting.

My journals never post. Hello, goodbye.

It's been a strange year. A long year, so long that last December seems miles behind a bend in the road where things can't be seen, but the bare nuances of those moments are still ringing quietly in the air. Again, I have gone through so much since 2011 ended. Everything and everyone has changed. Last year around this time I was visiting Ireland, pining for my friend who had been so close to me for 6 years before we got together in November. It was an amazing time. December-January was crazy beautiful for our relationship. When I got back from Ireland after my aunt passed away, I started to realise how very much I loved him and how special he really was. It scared me, I think. We were both unsure of things, both too close for comfort and yet we wanted so much more. And then he had to leave this city, this goddamn city that used to be a haven for me. I realised that it was only a wonderful city because of the wonderful people that lived in it - flawed people, imperfect people, but mad, beautiful people that I loved and still love. Then my other good friend left this city. Then everyone was committing suicide, and all I had was my best friend and it's been like that since late February.

I also went to Australia in November. Graduated. Went to formal, went to schoolies. Had the bloody time of my life, and grew close to an amazing guy there. I was sure I'd fallen in love with him by the time I waved goodbye to him at the airport. But then I come back here and I find out that last year's love now has another girlfriend. Facebook fills up with pictures of them being sickening and that's all I ever see of him, because he never talks to me anymore. And then I start to wonder and keep wondering, and my synapses are just firing out of control now and I know I shouldn't be feeling uneasy but I am, because all I have are skewed perceptions. I miss that boy in Australia like hell and I feel like we were made for each other, but goddamn I start thinking everybody's so far away from me; everyone in my life has come and gone and gone a little more than come. And I let myself care, I don't hold back at all now because it's better to have loved and lost then to have never experienced anything at all, and I know it's right and that I should just soldier on but God please make it stop this next year. Please let me be somewhere with someone I love for more than six months. Please, please, please let me keep my current friendships through any kind of distance, please. I promise to never stagnate if you could just let my equilibrium rest for a while.

You see, this is the trouble with having no true home. But I will survive it all, and I won't grow crusty and cynical with the world, not even to fool people into taking me more seriously, not even to hide the dreamer in me. Let 2013 roll, let the good times roll, let me be all that I can be this next year as I wave goodbye to the lives and loves of 2012.

Australia is way too gorgeous to leave this Saturday. (and so is he)

"I've been such a fool, Vassili. Man will always be a man. There is no new man. We tried so hard to create a society that was equal, where there'd be nothing to envy your neighbour. But there's always something to envy. A smile, a friendship, something you don't have and want to appropriate. In this world, even a Soviet one, there will always be rich and poor. Rich in gifts, poor in gifts. Rich in love, poor in love."

Now for some weight exercises, a cuppa tea and some sandwiches and a nice Jason Bourne film to calm me down.

I live nowhere. No, I literally live in nowhere. This place is nothing to me, this bed is nothing to me, these people are nothing to me. I sit at the table and try to block out the world. It has all become like dust to me. Every ounce of anger, bitter disgust and loneliness, helplessness and that god-awful uselessness I feel bounces off my bedroom walls and soaks into my matress like pillows taking punches. It's all canned up in here. There is only one person in this entire city that means something to me. And when she's gone, it's one of those restless nights. I have to go somwhere, I have to. But if I go somewhere, I have a feeling that place will all mean nothing unless she's there as well.

At least I have an end in sight. It's three months away and I can almost feel the ocean breeze of freedom on my skin. But now I'm stuck in this nowhere land with nothing pouring out of my fingers.

Especially me, because I look at my kitten and life just seems so wonderful for her.

I'm feeling rather depressed, because I haven't been keeping up with my assignment deadlines - I just might fail stupid Biology, and that would make my lovely teacher so mad. I have no incentive in any of my studies, and my guitar skills are at a standstill. I have no cash at all because I have no time for a job with all this endless studying. I haven't been able to concentrate on my exercise plan, I have no time for writing poetry or anything at all really and on top of it all it's getting even harder to find time for my friends and social life. I guess it's just not been a good month for me. My personal life is crumbling into a deadpan routine of procrastination and fruitless labour. I have less than four months until graduation, which will be the first time in several years that I will be able to really relax and spend time by myself. But even after the holidays I'll have the stress of deciding what to do next....

Man, life, when did you become something to stress about instead of enjoy? Fuck pressure and people who want you to be something that you're not. Fuck perfection and all this fast-paced shite. I want to be a cat. There's no stress over being perfect and successful and talented when you're a cat. You're just like, hey I'm a lazy, furry cat, I have a litterbox, a food bowl and a chase toy and the rest of the world is my oyster. My talent is sleeping cutely and making people happy, and at night when the humans are asleep I can chill out with the neighbourhood cats like it's a Saturday evening. Cuz it's always Saturday for the cat who knows where it's at.

Can somebody report these journals going on and on about penis and breast enlargement? Please???

A little bit of this, a little bit of that, and WAAYYYYY too much of everything else.