I have got such a fat arse its unbelievable. But thats the least of my worries: i need a... HAIRCUT!!! The last one i had cut a giant hole in the back of my head n i wudnt go out for weeks. I really freakin out! Anyway, lighter note, just tryin to put sum sounds 2gether n seein what i come up wiv. Usually wen i get to this point it goes horribly wrong, i get depressed and realise i'll never be a songwriter n i shud just get over myself. Fingers crossed lol xxx

Omg, i cant keep myself away. Im hooked! Just been listening to various remixes on YouTube of Starry Eyed by Ellie Goulding. That is one hard song to pull if ever you were attempting it. If u do, i take my hat off to ya! For me, this song has so much depth its unreal. Especially when i can alter any song i want and just generally misshape it, i strip it back, i change the key etc and just by doin that u discover so much more about a song and find the REAL story. I call it 'exploring', my brother calls it "fucking it up". Im also a songwriter so its important u find that depth. Probably the real reason why i do-ish-but-dont-really-mean-to stay up late is just to come up with ideas. I mean, right now its... hang on... nearly 04:45am and im wide awake. For me its wen my brain comes alive. Or the toilet. We call ours "the thinking room". Say, if anyone's sad enough to read any of this lol what say when i get an idea i throw some lyrics up -- not quite literally lol -- n see if u like them? Whataya say?

Ok i'm calm now. I've never really had someone to talk to about my problems. The only people i knew i cud trust knew who i had problems wiv. Its nice every now n again to hav a scream and shout:) i'll try and leave my journal alone tomorrow as i've posted 3 times today LOOOL fat chance !!!

I overheard mother 'dearest' sayin that i dont have respect because i havent picked up a tissue she told me to. For fuck sake, has anybody got a brain cell in this day and age!?! Perhaps if she'd have given ME respect while i was trying to save her life coz she doesn't care and had not almost successfully killed me, then maybe i will pick up the fucking tissue. Besides, i cleared everything up yesterday so she should get her eyes tested.

Its just every day, every second of every day. Shouting, arguing, screaming and threatening. Just another day in the life of me. Its like a tennis court, my head bops left, right, left, right. But not today i was in the kitchen doin my lunch. The word 'family' ive never understood until last August. And no one ever even liked them. Im ALMOST the only one that really appreiciates them being there. Nothing for 10 years then poof, my nan's selfishness brought them back. But still mother 'dearest' and granny 'dearest' still argue. Ive never bn a pessimist but they keep turning me into one. I just dont know how long i can really take of all this. I might post mor later when they calm down as they're still at it.

If you call half 3 on the morning early, then i'm in bed early today lol not really anyfin to moan about today just usual stuff wen its chucking it n you cant go out: eat, watch tv, eat, get thrashed at Trivial Pursuit, eat sum more. The usual. Got a phonecall today that i didnt answer because i thought it was part of a programme i was watching. What a FOOL. I must b losing the plot :(

Only 3 hours... Aaaaaarrrrrggghh!!! I havent undecorared yet. The tree is still up. Is now a bad time to stop bein superstitious or wud i be overreacting slightly? I think i'll just be staying in today and play games and eat loadsa porridge oats! Its chucking it down outside; oh well, i guess u cant beat English weather lol

Still listenin 2 Frou Frou, still cant sleep, still goin crazy... Whats a girl to do in this state besides look like a zombie every day? Ive only listened to the same song over n over since yesterday, its the only Frou Frou song i know besides the Bonny Tyler cover in Shrek 2. Does it even matter? Im actually starting to feel like the title, Psychobabble. Great(!) For any pandas wivout eyes out there, i hav plenty spare if you need any! Now i'm talkin to imaginary pandas... Ok, lets try this: i dont think i've ever stuck to a new years resolution EVER. All i wanna do this yr is lose a couple of pounds and double-triple check a guy b4 i give him my number, loooong story lol -- btw a very but belated Happy New Year to everybody hav a good'un;) - - but he was a right condescending creepo! I attract a lot of weirdos, I even nearly caused a bus crash once! Its funny in a way because i wasnt even paying attention, i was talking away, as you do - a lot - n saw this bus veer round a corner veeery awkwardly. Anyway, the cramp in my foot says time for shut-eye. Wish me luck:)

Im listening to a bit of Frou Frou at the mo. Ive been through the majority of Imogen Heap stuff n this is the only area i havent visited yet. The good part about wen i listen to old stuff is that i dont get TOO embarrassed about actually listening to it, though i do get laughed at by my own blood. I listen to a lot of Sting n The Police, i love Europe. The 80s was a bloody good decade (not that i'd know personally)! Probably if i had 2 come up wiv a logical excuse for it all i wud say that its my strange obsession for the game Spot The Intro. Ive got all four:D But anyway, i idolise Imogen Heap. Shes so talented its stupid. Shes the future of all music and one of the very few female artists i like. I fink the maximum is about... Two...?

Cant sleep goin crazy lol