Once again, tongiht was the worst. I'm supposed to be all sad right now, and I'm supposed to be all sad tomorrow at school. As much as I want it to happen, it doesn't look like it's going to. I think it's the music. Now today was great. We went to primi, musica (I got "The Sixth Sense"), and Vertigo which is where I got this awesome The Sex Pistols shirt. When I went home, I was watching Glee, being happy and stuff. Tha was when I went to go shower and Shirley came. My mom flipped out. She told her to stop drinking, and then Shirley told her to stop drinking, which was when she seriously got angry. I hate Shirley as much as the next person, but I think my mom was in the wrong this time. She started it all. She always does. I hate her. She then goes and starts a whole fight with Nana, and my dad. She shoted at my dad and called Nan (my granny on my mothers side) a worthless piece of shit of a human being. Which was when Nan started crying. Then mom started crying and my dad comforted her. Then after a few minutes of that my mom started shouting and swearing at my dad agin. She then stormed into the kitchen and asked "Did you throw away my whiskey?" Whcih was when I knew for sure that she was drunk. I honestly hope nobody is reading this. I don't want people to think I'm unhappy with my family, I'mjust unhappy with my mom, and I would love it she left. Please though, people, don't do anything. I don't understand, yesterday she was actually being nice, and then tonight? I think it's because there is school tomorrow. She always starts fights when there is school the next day. It's good that she is always the first one to go to sleep. Anyway, I had my fringe cut. I look redonculous. Sometimes I just wonder how someone can look as ugly as I look. I wonder how people are my friends. Speaking of friends, I have noticed that I am being left out of everything. I mean, SIdne had a party with everyone, and now so is everyone else. I mean, it's not like it's Teagan or Isabel, so I'm not all that worried about it, but I mean come on, it would be nice if I was invited to something. I have a barmitzvah in two days time. I know it's going to suck because they always do now that DB never talks to me. I just really really hope that Dylan isn't there. He can really annoy the hell out of me at times. Speaking of Dylan, there he goes, annoyimg me again. (sigh), well, I guess I should just go now. I have nothing better to do. I havn't even started my oral yet. I will just be happy, even though I don't want to be, and life will go on. I just hope that The Secret Life of Bees is in, and if not, To Kill A Mocking Bird. Hopefully.

I just don't understand. I woke up so nice and late yesterday, so why didn't I do that today? It just annoys me. i think it must have put me in a bad mood. Today just didn't go so well. I am hating some certain people right now, and I have so many things goin on. I even sat down in the shower because I couldn't take it. I sit down in the shower when I'm really upset. I guess I wasn't all that upset today, but I felt the sitting was needed. You know what I think almost every day, other than everything that is going on that is bad? I walk past a mirror and think taht a person cannot get any uglier than me. And then after that, I think this: "I know what they think. My friends all think I am saying this stuff to get attention. Well I don't care what they think, Iknow what is true" And I think taht because it is true. I am many things, I'm ugly, I'm boring, I'm not the tinnest, but I am most definitely not an attention seeker. (sigh) I am just very annoyed with people. I have nothing more to say, so bye.

I woke up so nice and late again! I am so happy :) And I found out a great new song. Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourn. He is a genius. Anyway, last night I had another dream that i rememebered... It was weird. Well, here it is: Okay, so I woke up quite a few times so I don’t remember the other dreams, but here is the one I do remember, well, I only remember some of it. Okay, so if I remember correctly, we were in the front of The House in the Primary School. By “we” I mean me and J. I think we had just come of The House with a bunch of other people, who had suddenly disappeared, and we had just finished some type of dance class or something. Anyway, J and I were there, and we had just been joking about something, I can’t remember what. Anyway, we had both laughed and stuff and then when we stopped, it was like that moment when people are about to kiss. You know, when they look at each other for a moment and it is quiet. Then, he opens his arm asking for a hug, but I smile and shake my head. He then comes up to me and hugs me (me not hugging him back) and then, okay this part is kind of weird, but then he then just sort of lightly pecked my neck. You know what I mean by pecked, like kissed lightly, like they do on the cheek. Anyway, it was weird, but I liked it. I kind of wished it was on the cheek though, cause the neck thing was kind of weird. I have only done my EMS. I seriously need to get on with my work. I havn't studied yet. I AM FREAKING OUT! I just can't do this work! I don't knwo why, I just can't and I am really getting worried about it. I just don't know what to do, I just... URGH!!! I just can't take it. And I'm worried because it's not even hard! Yet I still can't do it! (sigh) I just need to clear my head. Well, I have nothing more to say, anyway bye for now...

Okay, so all I have to say about my holiday is: FRIKEN AMAZING!!!! I really would like to tell you everything about it, but it's all just too long. I absolutely loved it! I think it was one of the best holidays I have ever had! Okay so on the ride there, when we were with Leah and Anne, I honestly thought it was going to suck because they were always complaining and we weren't alowed to listen to music and stuff. We did though, well not in the begining but later on, and the rides there and back turned out to be freakishly amazing. I loved how we were with the whole family. Grandpa is HILARIOUS! He is just the funniest person I know! I'm so happy that granny and grandpa are coming to live in the same city as us, it's going to be amazing. And not only was grandpa funny, but granny was too, they are just the funniest couple known to humanity! Kayla did annoy me a little, well there were times she annoyed me wuite a lot. I mean, when she wasn't annoying me a lot, it was when she was always hanging around me. But she really just annoyed me most when she wasn't around me. I had realised that she was just so perfect, and in actual truth, I was quite jealous. She is pretty, and fun to be around, and smart and nice. How does all of that come in one person??? Well, I tried my best to stop thinking aobut it, and I did stop for most of the time. The animals were great. We saw so many hyenas and elephants. We even saw a lion! It was all amazing, and it was all added with some great music and the company of the family. The breakfast was amazing each day! Eggs, maken, grapefruit and orange juice. It doesn't get any better. I was thinking about DB as well for some time. When Emily finished the book "The Book Thief" I started reading it. I finihsed today on the plane, and I think it is the best book I have ever read. I know I always say that after I read a new book, but I really think that this one beats them all. It was just such an amazing book. I honestly couldn't put it down. I walked with it everywhere, just because I didn't want to let it go. I was also thinking, and before I went to the Kruger, I was talking to Teagan and told her I was excited about going. I noticed then, that she is never happy for you! She can never be excited for anybody else, yet she probably expects others to be excited for her. (sigh) Well, I decided not to do any work or studying today, adn I will do it tomorrow. Today has just been so long for me, and I really can't handle it. (Is what I would say if taht was actually true). Okay, so I don't feel like it, but at least I have an excuse. (sigh) The only reason I am wanting to go to school is because I want to get The Secret Life of Bees. Which they probably wont have in, because some idiot hasn';t handed it back. URGH! Well, I decided that if it isn't in, I will just get the book "To Kill a Mocking Bird". I don't know why, ut i have suddenly just gotten really into reading. Well, maybe it''s just because I have some books taht I actuall want to read. i would never just browse a library to look for a book because I don't know what I want. If I know what I want, then I will get it. A few hours ago I finished watching "Across The Universe" and now, I have officially cried in two movies. I didn't cry in the movie because it was sad, I cried because when they were singing the song "Don't Let Me Down" I just found it so amazing. That song really gets to me, and knowing that I cry when I hear it I can know that it is my favourite song. Well, i'm not really in the mood for writing anymore. I am so greatful for my amazing holiday. I hope I wake up nice and late tomorrow, I doubt it though. Anyway, bye.

I can't wait for the Kruger National Park tomorrow! I hope we see loads of animals, well, actually I hope I take nice pictures. It will be no fun if I can't take any good pictures. Anyway, it's going to be so fricken amazing! I just can't wait, and it's all going to happen tomorrow! Although, it won't be as nice because we have to take Leah and Anne with us, URGH! You know what, I just can't believe that my teachers still gave us homework! Why would they do this to us? And they know we still have yo study in our holidays already, so why would they give us homework? Are they trying to kill us????!!! Today I was sort of feeling a little sad, I don't even know why, I was just irrutated. I was extremely annoyed and I couldn't stand anybody or anything, of course I didn't show it or anything. My mom was such an ididot today, she bought "The Secret Life of Bees"! I mean, I told her not to, I told her I wouldn't read it if she did, but what does she go and do? She goes and buys it anyway. (sigh) I told her I'm not going to read it though, I told her that I'm just going to get it from the library. I know that sounds pretty stupid of me, but I always read a lot faster when I know I have a deadline, and I prefer it that way. Anyway, I think I need to make just one more CD beforew we leave tomorrow, I just need to get some songs ready and stuff. Wow, it sure is going to be amazing tomorrow, I seriously can't wait! I figured I should justs top hoping about DB, I mean, he is never going to like me, so I should just give up. There is no point anyway, and I think I like him a lot less now that I know he doesn't like me. Anyway, I guess I'm kind of back to liking nobody, although I kind of want to like someone. Oh well, what can ya do? I am so nervous for the exams, I am seriously seriously nervouse! I didn't bring all of my folders from school because I am not going to have a lot of time to study from them anyway. I can't wait for the plane ride there, I love planes, they are always so much fun, unless my parents are stupid enough to put us in different seats. They have done that before and it never turns out well for anybody (especially the person that gets stuck next to us children). Well, I think I am going to get my songs ready now, so bye :)

I'm sorry I havn't written ion a while, I just got so caught up in my book, "The Catcher in the Rye". I now declair that book to be my second favourite book. My first favourite is "The Soloist". I got it on the 11th of April (on Monday, today is Wednesday), so I'm happy I'm finished it before the school seder (Which is tomorrow). I thought overall, the book was great. I'll admit in the first few pages I wasn't all that interested in it, but then when I got a little more into it, it just suddenly got very... Interesting. Through the whole way, I sort of just felt like it was very short, I mean I felt like it only told about two days after he had gotten kicked out of his school. I was a little disappointed at the last page, at how it ended. I mean I didn't find out anything about his age or anything. And it all just ended so abruptly, although I am actually trying to decided whether I like that it ended that way, or whether I'm disappointed by it. Yesterday, when Dylan was walking past me, he said "Impressive" because I was reading the book. I think I am a little offended by that, because I know that everybody always thinks I'm pretty stupid, and not logical or anything, and I admit that I'm not all that smart, but my opinions and choices, I think, are pretty smart. I think I will just get "The Secret Life of Bees" when the holidays are over, I mean, the person who has it out obviously hasn't finished it or something, so I might as well just wait. I am so happy that on two days time, it will be holidays, and I will be in the Kruger National Park the next day. Of course, I'll be with my great aunt who is seriously the worst person ever (not the worst, but she is definitely very x100000 bad). Anyway, I'm pretty excited. I looked up the real poem from "The Catcher in the Rye", and it's call "Comin' Thro' the Rye". I just don't understand why it's written in those bizarre words, you can barely understand them. Anyway, I think it's a pretty good poem. Well, I don't have much else to say, so I will just be going now. Bye...

Okay so tomorrow is school, and I just know that something is going to go wrong. Not only tomorrow is going to go wrong, but also tonight. I'll bet it'll be just like last time, when there was nobody talking to me and DB was probably just thinking of Kayla. (sigh) Like I say, just let it be. I might as well just let things happen on their own, it's not like it would ever turn out well for me anyway. Today was pretty boring, I did nothing but stay inside. I did watch Band Slam though, and I realise that it's actually a pretty cool movie. All the main characters liked the same music and I do, and I thought taht was pretty cool. I also realised yesterday, that Mik, is good with everybody! Boys, girls, and just... everyone. No wonder everyone likes her, she is pretty cool. Oh well, it's not her problem if people just like her and completely hate me, but whatever. (sigh) I'm so bored, I think I will just go find what I'm wearing tonight. Okay well bye.

Okay so let me start off from this morning. I was woken up by my mom asking me if I wanted to go to Josh Sh. barmi this morning, and I said yes. Apparently it was at 10:00 so I got out of bed, got dressed and went to what I thougght was his barmi. You see, my dad dropped me off at Gardens Shul, and when I got there there had been nobody there yet. I waited for 45 minutes, which as when I was sitting in the bathroom, being all depressed. I could have sworn I was about to burst into tears, then Debby walked in and said that my parents had dropped me off at the wrong shul. So then in the car, my dad phones and says sorry and all that, then Debby took to me to Josh's real shul, and half way through, when everybody was walking outside and eatig and stuff, I was sitting with everybody, and Sidne says "SAR!" and points to my chest. I look down and there is this small black spider. So I tried to take it off but it went down into my bra. It was just the most embarrasing thing I have evr been through, it was okay though, everybody forgot about it about 5 minutes later. Then, I went back with Kayla and Sidne to Kayla's house so that my dad could fetch me from there. That part wasn't bad, in fact, that part was a lot of fun. Anyway, my dad fetched me and we got home, and my mom was all hugging me and sayings o rry and stuff, it was actually extremely annoying. I also found out at Kayla that I missed a barmi that I RSVPed to say I would be theer. Everybody was theer, and I can't believe I missed out on it. URGH TODAY WAS JUST THE WORST! Anyway, I told Teagan that I had plans to sleep over at Isabel. i'm not actually sleeping at Isabel, I just told that tp Teagan because I'm not in the mood to sleep over at her. So I had the weirdest dream last night. Okay so I remember that our Middle School was a boarding school type of place, and I was sharing a room with Isabel. Then it was raining and we were both lying in bed to go to sleep. But then somehow I got outside and into a car which was when I found out that Teagan had been in a car accident of some type. I, for some reason, was only shocked for a few minutes. Anyway, then I somehow was in the Atrium of the Middle School, and I was standing by one of the pillars and David Hen. was standing next to me, and we were talking and laughing, which was when he kissed me on my cheek. It had spread around the school like fire in the next few minutes, and it was weird. Then I found myself by the place they pick us up for camp right by the school, and Josh Sh. Kyle N, and I think Jarryd H., were playing with the soccer ball, but we were throwing it and then when we got onto the road, it was on the ground and I found myself passing it to Kyle N. Anyway he went away with it and I was walking towards a bunch of girls. They said to me “ You’re a good singer, why don’t you sing instead of do this?” (meaning playing with the ball with the boys) And then suddenly out of nowhere comes Roland D. and he says “Singing will ruin her reputation”. I honestly had no idea what they were talking about. Then J came out of nowhere and said that he heard about David kissing me on the cheek. Thn Teagan came out of nowhere and I said “Teagan! Are you okay?!” Even though she didn’t look hurt at all. “When did you get out of the hospital?” I said. Then she said “I was in there for a month” and I was pretty confused by that and then I woke up. It was all very weird. (sigh) Well tomorrow is the last day of freedom, I hope I wake up nice and late. Then the next day, I will just be going to back to the place where nobody ever speaks to me, woohoo. OMG I just realised that I still have that EMS thing to do! UUURRGGGHHH!!!! Why does this have to happen to me!? (sigh) Well, I better just go now, bye.

Well, I am most definitely not looking forward to going back to school, although it would be ncie to have something to do instead of just lie around in the house. And I just can't wait until I go to the Kruger National Park, it's gonna be amazing! I can't believe it, I'm actually on Facebbok, and there is someone talking to me! (It's David) YYAAAYYYY, I'm not such a loner anymore :P Anyway, today my sisters and my mom and I went to Seapoint and we went into the lighthouse, it was pretty cool. There was this one little boy, and he was the cutest thing ever, and then there was his one friend and they were so adorable together. Then we came back and just relaxed for a bit and then my sisters were being "wild" and they were in my room and I was just lying on my bed listening ot music. That went on for about a hwile, and now I'm here. I'm listening to a really cool song right now... Last night, I, for the first time, watched Treasure Island 1 and 2, and I found them pretty amazing :) They are soooo cool! (sigh) I am so bored, I have nothing to do, and these days just get more boring. I never go anywhere fun or anywhere where I can be for the whole day and not get bored. Oh well, at least I get out, it's not like I'm stuck in this house all day, I'll take what I can get. I havn't felt depressed once today! It is so awesome! I am loving this non-depressed feeling. I don't really have much to say about today, because I didn't really do much. Oh ya! I also went to Sinfull and had some ice-cream. Okay well I'm off for now :) Bye

Everybody has moved on. I don't think I know anybody who has remained my very very good friend. I know you have heard this all before, but... Okay fine, so maybe Kayla has, but thats probably only because we are cousins. I think that this is a situation though, what I'm feeling right now, not even music can cure. Not Pink Floyd, not The Beatles, not Led Zeppelin, none of them. Knowing that makes me a whole lot more depressed than I already am. So yesterday everybody went to Sidne. Well, I think they did, I'm not sure but I think thats what Max has been posting about on Facebook. (sigh) I should just never go on Facebook ever again, it just makes me mroe depressed, and its not like anybody ever speaks to me anyway. I guess I just go on because I always hope that there will actually be someone on who might, just might, actually talk to me. Well, I also saw today on Facebook that Mik., David and Johnathan are still... Practically best friends. It wouldn't bother e if DB actually still spoke to me and sat next to me like he used to, but now its all like it used to be. Well all I did yesterday was go to the zoo, it wasn't so bad, I actually had fun. But today I did nothing, absolutely nothing but sit ariund being depressed and watching movies while eating junk food all day. It's actually pretty disgusting. I figured out that I actually want to go to camp this year. I decided that I would absolutely hate it if DB were to really "fall in love" with Kayla, and I wasn't there. Of course if that does happen, I won't do anything to stop it, I want Kayla to be happy. And we still have to go to school again in 3 days. What is the point of giving us holidays for a week, then making us go back to school for 5 days, and then giving us holiday again. It's so pointless! (sigh) I guess it just gives me something to do with my days. I still have that interveiw to do for EMS wchich is due in 8 days, but I geuss I have enough time. I just want to get it over with. So this is just great. My holiday is almost over and I havn't done anything fun, I am completely confused (to do with who DB likes) and I have no friends. Well, I still have a lot of my life to get on with, I'm sure int that time I will get over it all. I love how I always wake up nice and late again, it's just, now that I kept waking up in the middle of this night, like at 4:00 in the morning, I keep doing it every night! It is always so hard for me to go back to sleep, and I just completely hate it. URGH! Well, I think I will now just go and relax in my room, I'll probably lie on my bed and play guitar, or maybe I'll just doodle in my book while I listen to music. I mean, there's no point in studying is there.