me dicen 'oye tu ere inabordable.por esa razon muchachos no te hablan.no les das oportunidad te tienen miedo..blah blah blah.' i say 'no jodan' seriously dont give me that crap.its not that im 'inabordable' guys should just grow balls. peice of advice 'Paren de tenerle miedo a que te Rechazen!' translates... if ur scared of rejection..... 'Quit fearing Rejection! have confidence but dont be a cocky son of a female dog!' and for once try just being a friken FRIEND! and Not with Benefits! thats all i have to say for now.

"Your fat and she's skinny. your light skin shes dark skin" im wondering if those words really hurt me? they keep running runinh through my mind over and over. yet i dont cry. do they bother?do they hurt? or have i grown accustomed to them. sticks and stones may break your bones but words could never hurt me. well aint that the biggest load of BS you ever heard? Age 9- a young girl comes home and immediately runs to the couch and throws her face in the pillow and lets out the biggest cry. mother comes and asks 'C , whats wrong?' the little girl looks up aand says ...nothing. then in comes her uncle and asks 'hey C whats up?' thhhe little girl stares at him and says 'my dad doesnt live with us anymore' and begons crying. her uncle fumes and yells at her mother as to why the little girl should have to go through that. time passes the little girl begins to eat and eat because to her food is the only control she had over. Age 11- It had been a month since the girl began 6th grade. she was writing down her assingments when a boy salvador said 'hey C let me have your ticket' the girl said no the boy replied 'come on im sure you have enough flubber to last you the day' the girl sat the shocked and somewher inside felt hurt.but she looked at the boy emotionless and still just staring at him. then she was glaring and she threw it at him.the boy shocked as well took it and retreated quickly. when the little girl got home she ate.beacause food was the only consolation. Young C-the girl heard shouting.she went to see what was happening. her father who was extremely drunk was on the ground crying begging her mother not leave him he goes to the young girl and says 'C, your mom doesnt love me anymore' the girl felt torn and began to cry as well.she felt unloved cause ppl always told her how she reminded them of her father.after he was gone. the girl went to the kitchen for food was her only consolation. the girl ate and ate after that.she kept getting laughed at as well.so she ate and ate To Be Continued...

Cry myself to sleep. Pain in me I shall Keep, The fear of you not being there. Every night I get quite a scare. I try to picture us together, but it's just a blurr. This nightmare happens all the time. As I reach to you , you close your doors, there I am left alone to nothing. I weep and weep, then that evil feeling begins to creep. Tears are the only consolation, every hope has vanished, and I'm not with you. Tormented by my own thoughts I'd rather not sleep, stay awake till my eyes ache. I slowly fall into a darkening sleep where I will wake no more. I will miss eveything and everyone, but I will miss out on you especially. As i dream of how beautiful you are, I walk to you but you seem farther away. As I run and run you simply begin to dissapear, and now I'm just left with that fear.

I realize that i will never be 'ok' with my appearence. i will never be 'ok' with my personality. i will never be 'ok' with my depression (duh). i will never be 'ok' with myself. i 'can't' love myself. i 'wont' let myself be happy for it wont last anyway. i realize i will never be ok with ME.

Dear, Person that is Reading Translation: "No, No te preocupes por mi aqui todo sigue igual como cuando estabas tu"- No, don't worry about me everythings the same just like when you were here. "Si, es cierto que no hay calor n en la cas y el olor de tu cuerpo sinigual"- Yes, it's true it is no longer warm in the house and neither the smell of your body. "Ya, Ya la fuente se seco el canrio ya murio pero aqui no hay novedad"-There, the fountain has dried, the canary has died but there is nothing new here. "No, no te preocupes por mi aqui todo sigue igual como cuando estabas tu"- No, dont worry about me everything is the same here just like when you were here. "Quisiera que me hicieras muncha falta y gritatre que regreses pero aqui no hay novedad"- I wish that I needed you so to yell for you to come back, but there is nothing new here. 'No, no te preocupes por mi aqui todo sigue igual como cuando estabas tu" - No, Don't Worry About Me Everything Is the Same Just Like When You Were Here. Love Sincerely, Lonely Girl

Dear, You I hide behind my smile.no one knows how i really am. but i know i am not that convincing. i wish someone would care enough to ask. care enough to find out.i feel so alone..i have no real friends...im..solitaire..i feel so empty so hollow.when will i feel good?whole? why am i falling to peices. falling apart....barly breathing.and my hearts barely beating....does anyone love me? no one tells me. why doesnt anyone love me? am i that disgusting of a person that not one person can love me? it ....hurts..it really does. "People say I'm the life of the party 'cause i tell a joke or two"-a smile here a smile there a small laugh "Although i might be laughin loud and hearty..deep inside i'm Blue"-i'ts all an act. i hide behind my lauughs and smiles. i may seem so jolly olly but...if you really knew me you'd know im effed in the head. "So take a good look at my face"-really look at me "You'll see my smile looks out of place"-it doesnt reach my eyes "If you look closer it's easy to trace the tracks of my tears"-if you only knew ..what a sad lonely pathetic person i am. "i need you,need you,need you"-i need someone! i need a friend.thats it.all i really need and want is a friend. someone to care. i know i aint nothing .but someone to listen and be there so i dont feel so Alone. So...take a good look at my face =| youll see infact my smile looks out of place..its my make up, to hide what im rreally feeling. Look closer and you can trace the tracks of my tears. :""( Sincerly, Lonely Girl

Dear "Whoever Decides To Read This"

Is there really a thin line between love and hate? i really want to hate you...but why cant i? what stops me from hating your guts?does love..can love dominate? ugh! why is everythin so...complicated? and to add salt to my wound. No one knows i feel this way!but i suppose its my fault...but i cant b open ..not with you or annyone else i know. i dont rlly trust aanyone. i guess i should thank the Many Frenemies i have. i hate havin fake friends....why do i have em?...well because i dont have the balls to tell them to Go to hell.im too nice to the point im pathetic. im a ggood example of a loser...a low life, no life. im so pathetic im writing here.but its the only release i get.im not much for expressing feelings *cringe* but i have to let em out someway right?

Sincerely,
Lonely Girl P.S "When you try your best but you dont succed"-yup im a faliure. "When you get what you want but not what you Need"-i dont need materialistic things I Need You. "When you feel so tired but you can sleep"- Thhans for giving me these Oh So Attractive Dark Circles. "Stuck in reverse"-yup i cant move Forward "And the tears come streaming down your face"-i lay locked in the bathroom crying silently... "When you loose something you cant replace"-your Irreplacable..how long would it take to find another you? needle in a hay stack man. "When you love someone but it goes to waste"-My love is useless to you and you proved to me i mean nothing to you. "Could it be worse?"-mmmm..can it?

Change. I didnt want it to be this way.but it changed. I changed you didnt. i am someone i dont recognize anymore im not the same . Why is it like this. im different then how i was i feel like a stranger. Lost in translation..do i speak my own language? it's like no one understands me. And its not your fault. I can't even blame you. It is I to blame..because i allowed this change i let you change me i let you mold me into someone else and im a fool..a stupid fool. But now im a lost stupid fool. and you? Your the same..out there enjoying life and your sickening riches.Your living to the fullest. And Me? im here in a room sitting, sitting and thinking wondering why you did it? why you hurt me,why you dont care. I cant be heard..my cries are a silent sound. and you just left me here scarred ..just wishing, waiting to be found. But it's as if I make no sound. and It's not your fault. Its mine.

did my favorite thing today!!.....absolutley Nothing! lol sspent all day home watchingg movies. saw p.s i love you (gerard so hot) then aftr that 'lying to perfection' on lifetime. lastly why did i get married lol cnt get enough of it. yup thats my oh so exciting day. its 2am im an insomniac i cnt sleep for shiz n it suks monkey butts. just chillian like a villain lookin at my ceiling listenin to my ipod. bored like a Mofo. tomorrow? or today? gonna do notin. not like my so cal friends remeber me. im a best friend like no othr. im always there for them always givin advice (ha yeah am i even in place to give any..right state of mind?) anyway they come to me for help blah blah i listen to their cries im da shoulder. but yo where the hell are these cooks when i need them?? when im down and feelingg glum? they aint there! its like im too good of a friend and i get nothing in return not tht i got a problem i like helping as much i can...but jeeze how bout one day callin or textin to see if im good or if im effin alive eh? ....lame me cain mal

i feel...bleh...i feel like there is something missing. but what could it be? i feel incomplete..like a puzzle...listening to talk by coldplay...i just want someone to talk to...i just want someone to listen and not judge me or lecture me. theres an unknowwn void. theres an unknown sadness deep within me...i am nothing. i am lost. i am lookin for a way out. when one door closes a window opens. but what if im in a place where there is no way out? will i ever fill that void? im not sure .