So ...been a great while ....eh? whts new? 1) Got a job as a sales rep lol 2)Had my drivers license for a year now 3)gonna get my own car It's going good I'm content =}

yup its been a year since i found this place...*sigh* good times come on baby let the good times roll come on baby let them thrill your soul come on baby let the good times roll all night long!

I felll asleep during the day.... I had a creepy damn dream... thing makes me sick to my stomach i dont know why... I was in some hospital room..prisoner? what the hell? then my lip kept have like some spazz attack kept folding up i felt my jaw like twisting and spazzing out ugh! so weird and I actually felt like i felt it oh creepy weird yes thats creepy weird to me..um ok

She didnt grow up. she didnt mature. but her mind holds no innocense nothins pure. she froze in time. remained in her same state of mind. were nothin was good nothing was right. and like the coward she is surrendered without a ffight. She feels framed and forgotten. remains in her safe place. where the world passed her by without a single trace. What can she do to forget that time. can she move on start again or for her is this that end. abandoned is her you went away and left her lonesome. she cant fend for herself like the loser she became. and as the forgotten she hopes to return her mentality to now. forget the before and feel that pain no more. she just wants to feel alive and ok. fell the love and keep emotions at bay. can this be? will she breathe and begin. she lays and watches as her world begins to spin. she didnt grow . she didnt begin. she isnt alive. carries deep holes within. what will she do. a she move on? she woke up and everyones gone. playing pretend you thin

She didn't bloom, she stayed the same, all because she held onto that pain. She didnt see, she couldnt feel, she was blinded by an emotion, that wasnt real. She felt cheated and deceived, lied and betrayed, you turned your back, that painted her eyes with the darkest black. Now she lay all alone, But her heart sinks like a stone. Her body is cold, her tears are fresh and falling, She crawls to you begs you to stay, But you turn and ignore go the other way. You let her die, in more ways then one, She didnt know this wasnt her end, She didnt know you werent meant to be, she learned the hard way, And what a price she had to pay.

oh...my..goodness! is this person for real??! this is how the convo went. "hey C, come here' i go up to them and they say "i'm cool,your weird. i'm tall your short. i'm smart your dumb" and how do i react? yup like the loser i aam i say nothhing.maybe i just didnt want to waste my breathe or time.but my sister felt otherwise lol she said "uh..i think u got it the wrong way, C is smart..shes cool andd ur sadly mistaken" thanks julie for having my back lol im sorry she got stuck with such a loser for an older sister.but idk this persons words didnt urt me just sort of made me laugh 'internally' because it was a pathertic attempt to try to hurt my feelings. and they failedd.yes you failed at trying to get me.im sorry i dont care please..please waste ur time onn someone else Moron. anyway on another note i wrote down a story one-shot to be exact and im most likely posting it on fictionpress ;) its my ffirst one-shot not sure if its good but i had to get it on paper anyhoo let me know y'all if ya wanna read iit! Love, C peace out homies!

me dicen 'oye tu ere inabordable.por esa razon muchachos no te hablan.no les das oportunidad te tienen miedo..blah blah blah.' i say 'no jodan' seriously dont give me that crap.its not that im 'inabordable' guys should just grow balls. peice of advice 'Paren de tenerle miedo a que te Rechazen!' translates... if ur scared of rejection..... 'Quit fearing Rejection! have confidence but dont be a cocky son of a female dog!' and for once try just being a friken FRIEND! and Not with Benefits! thats all i have to say for now.

"Your fat and she's skinny. your light skin shes dark skin" im wondering if those words really hurt me? they keep running runinh through my mind over and over. yet i dont cry. do they bother?do they hurt? or have i grown accustomed to them. sticks and stones may break your bones but words could never hurt me. well aint that the biggest load of BS you ever heard? Age 9- a young girl comes home and immediately runs to the couch and throws her face in the pillow and lets out the biggest cry. mother comes and asks 'C , whats wrong?' the little girl looks up aand says ...nothing. then in comes her uncle and asks 'hey C whats up?' thhhe little girl stares at him and says 'my dad doesnt live with us anymore' and begons crying. her uncle fumes and yells at her mother as to why the little girl should have to go through that. time passes the little girl begins to eat and eat because to her food is the only control she had over. Age 11- It had been a month since the girl began 6th grade. she was writing down her assingments when a boy salvador said 'hey C let me have your ticket' the girl said no the boy replied 'come on im sure you have enough flubber to last you the day' the girl sat the shocked and somewher inside felt hurt.but she looked at the boy emotionless and still just staring at him. then she was glaring and she threw it at him.the boy shocked as well took it and retreated quickly. when the little girl got home she ate.beacause food was the only consolation. Young C-the girl heard shouting.she went to see what was happening. her father who was extremely drunk was on the ground crying begging her mother not leave him he goes to the young girl and says 'C, your mom doesnt love me anymore' the girl felt torn and began to cry as well.she felt unloved cause ppl always told her how she reminded them of her father.after he was gone. the girl went to the kitchen for food was her only consolation. the girl ate and ate after that.she kept getting laughed at as well.so she ate and ate To Be Continued...

Cry myself to sleep. Pain in me I shall Keep, The fear of you not being there. Every night I get quite a scare. I try to picture us together, but it's just a blurr. This nightmare happens all the time. As I reach to you , you close your doors, there I am left alone to nothing. I weep and weep, then that evil feeling begins to creep. Tears are the only consolation, every hope has vanished, and I'm not with you. Tormented by my own thoughts I'd rather not sleep, stay awake till my eyes ache. I slowly fall into a darkening sleep where I will wake no more. I will miss eveything and everyone, but I will miss out on you especially. As i dream of how beautiful you are, I walk to you but you seem farther away. As I run and run you simply begin to dissapear, and now I'm just left with that fear.

I realize that i will never be 'ok' with my appearence. i will never be 'ok' with my personality. i will never be 'ok' with my depression (duh). i will never be 'ok' with myself. i 'can't' love myself. i 'wont' let myself be happy for it wont last anyway. i realize i will never be ok with ME.