so, I'm happy. as per usual. I'm not sure whether or not its a bad thing, but I'm more towards determinism in contrary to freewill. Mainly because me and oscar have been discussing it lately. I'm yet to listen to Stefs complete series on Free Will, I'll do that tonight. Havnt updated in a while, but last week one night, we drank a bit too much poison. Way too much... Wont go into it, but you know, it wasnt pleasant. Nonetheless we all learn from out mistakes, deterministically baha. I'm looking forward to school. It must be something others havnt matured into yet, but I have a real desire to acquire knowledge. I think its because the school no longer shoves it down my throat at the threat of detention, but rather I can choose what to study. Its freedom, and it really does work. I have a new dream, it's to write a non-fictional book. Titled "How to Think, Not What to Think - A Secular Alternative to Indoctrination." It's basically about teaching children how to think properly. I'm yet to go into specifics about the book, but I will be conducting intense research at University into brain development and psychology. The idea was sparked in a debate with a christian, who claimed that Atheists indoctrinate their children as much as theists, which was true to a small extent. They tell their children for certain that God doesnt exist. I guess the book teaches parents not to say either god does or doesnt for certain exist, but teach the child to come to their own conclusion, using Aristotelian logic and reasoning. I know it wont sell very well, which is why I want to give the book away for free. Its not about profit, its about contributing to humanity, in the most beneficial way possible - by investing in children's minds. Peace the Fuck Out!

who said being off your face doesnt get you anywhere in life? I met some guy at a party the other night who wants me to sing in his band. lol... Oh, and Rowan's back for second round of Christian bitch slapping. I really hate being single. Just need someone to hug, ya know? Just a god damn hug would be really nice right now.

I claim to be non-superstitious. but. there's but one thing which I'll tell you about. Whenever I say to myself, "I dont want to be that". I always become that. No kidding. I can't really think of any examples, because its mainly long term things. Like money, or body image. In all reason, I know its not true. But I think why it happens, is it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Like because I subconsciously believe it will happen. I also subconsciously go and achieve that. It's wierd I know. But it's annoying. This also gets back to me fantasizing too much. Because when I think of the way something will go, like a date, or a job interview whatever. It never goes that way. No matter how realistic my day-dream is, it never goes that way. Which is why I slap myself sometimes when I start to day-dream. Because whatever happens in my head immediately cancels out the exact same thing that would happen in reality. so much for rationality, I'm as crazy as my younger Christian self. but really, what can I do. Just ignore any impulse to dream? that would suck. my happiest moments in life have been in my fucking dreams! reality blows...

I'm crazy, no actually. stupid Madison, JUST STOP EXISTING! please... what starts with an F and ends with CK? FUCK!!! yaha you thought I was going to say Firetruck. nahaaaaaa, I'm no conformist bitch! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK OFF. in fact, that's exactly what I shouldn't have said. things would have been different, very different. but seriously, is there any chance for reciprocity? any? cmonnnn... I want to talk to her, but I cant of course. Whats wrong grrrrrrr, what can I do? really! I want to know. Peace the Fuck Out

ever notice that all buses smell like piss? like who's relieving themselves on a bus? its disgusting. anyway, last night was at kelseys. so... I couldnt really sleep, there was so much tension between me and madi, it was unbearable. It brought back feelings I didnt want to have. She looks amazing though, beautiful. Aside from that, it was an action packed night hehe, but I cant tell the internet about that part! And me and Jimmy had this MASSIVE DnM, It was so good. Im really glad we've become closer lately, we're fairly similar in many ways. Back to this whole Madi issue. I need to vent. You know how you hope that things will happen, and you play over different situations in your head. But purely because you hope theyll happen, they just dont? Well all night, I was hoping that something might happen, I dont know what, just something. I wasnt sure whether I should do something, because I was the one who told her to stop talking to me. I wish I could read her mind. I really do. If I'm honest with myself, the only thing I want is Madi, back in my arms. I'd give everything I own, everything I am, just to have that. This reminds me of an Escape The Fate Song, Friends and Alibis: I hate to be the one to bear the bad news, Yes it is true, I finally fell in love, I fell so hard that I'm killing myself, Yes I need out, out of this grave that I've dug Peace the Fuck Out

well; no car for three days... now I have to catch buses everywhere grrrr. oh AND, pretty sure I dont like Kelsey at all. In fact, very sure. Don't know what I was thinking. Going there now anyway, the only test will be avoiding Madi, lol... whatever. you know I daydream way too much. fantasise. the future is really uncertain. and I need to make my mind up. Peace the Fuck Out.

I feel amazing right now. I'm happy with the song we recorded. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISfpcbkXB_o nothing else to divulge.

omg I slept for 12 hours last night! fairly bored right now, TOP 10 ACOUSTIC \ FOLK --------------- 1. How Come Your Arms Are Not Around Me - Dallas Green 2. The Death of Me - Dallas Green 3. Mario Kart Love Song - Sam Hart 4. No Ceiling - Eddie Vedder 5. I Don't Need To Know - Dallas Green 6. Victorian Full - Gregory and the Hawk 7. Bail Me Out - Pete Murray 8. Days Go By - Keith Urban 9. Broken - Seether 10. Ever So Sweet - The Early November TOP 10 HEAVY METAL \ SCREAM \ PUNK \ EMO ---------------------------------------- 1. Through the Iris - 10 Years 2. Counterparts and Number Them - Alexisonfire 3. Rough Hands - Alexisonfire 4. No Transitory - Alexisonfire 5. Side Walk When She Walks - Alexisonfire 6. Headstrong - Trapt 7. Hero Heroine - Boys Like Girls 8. Friends and Alibis - Escape the Fate 9. The Ransom - Escape the Fate 10. Escape From Here - Madina Lake TOP 10 RAVE \ TRANCE \ DANCE \ CLUB 1. Paradise on E - Bounc3 2. Electro House - DJ Moni 3. Memories - David Guetta 4. Infinity 2008 - Guru Josh Project 5. Dreamscape - 009 Sound System 6. Satellite - Ocean Lab 7. Eurodancer - DJ Mangoo 8. Matrix II Trance Mix - Cynic Project 9. Better Off Alone - Alice Deejay 10. I Just Died In Your Arms - DJ Fritzy Peace The Fuck Out

I want to spew all of my thoughts onto this screen. My deepest secrets, everything. If only people didnt read it. But isnt that the point? Meeting Dot didnt go well, but it wasnt unpleasant. Just indifferent. I think it was mutual non-attraction. I was happy to pursue something more, just because I felt like I wasnt really myself tonight, but oh well. I wish I was more out-going, spontaneous perhaps. No problem, there was nothing there anyway. I did learn some more things about myself however, I dont mind silence, infact I prefer it. Its not awkward for me. and more importantly... I still have feelings for Kelsey -_- This is not good, this is terrible. Theres nothing I can do either, she may be the perfect girl, but its way too contentious to even consider it. Theyre not big feelings though, not like they used to be. Nonetheless, theyre still there. And its painful. Im staying at hers on Tuesday... Not sure if I can. I feel like drowning myself in a bottle of Scotch. Maybe a cigar as well. A big thick one. Vanilla. Maybe I'll just run away to Canada. Dallas Green and I can have a jam. Stephan Molyneux and I can talk about Anarcho-Capitalism. One day... I watched this random thing on ABC this afternoon about some dance artist called Deepface who made it big in Australia. I want to do that... Or with Vice November, but I'm actually scared, of performing and the like. Its really intimidating. Oh and Jamie and Jimmy are now Anarcho-Capitalists. Well Jamie definitely is, Jimmy still has a few issues, but mainly out of fear and ignorance. I feel good though, the fact that I can convince Tim, Jamie and Jimmy of my position, it makes me feel slightly intelligent! I'm going through old songs, ahhhh the nostalgia! Peace the Fuck Out

Im at jamies. Simons party was awesome, it was so cliched. he's so innocent gosh. there were like signs in the house pointing to toilets, and boys and girls changerooms hahaha, it made me lol... but nonetheless, that man is nice. I wish I was as nice. I talked to so many people Id forgotton about! anyway afterwards a few of us went to the beach, kelsey and jimmy were flirting all night jesus christ. its not like I actually care, he has a girlfriend, and I dated kelseys sister, its not like im jealous? but Im not sure, maybe just protective or something. weird! actually I know thats what it is, she is my sister essentially. I love her like that anyway. and Jimmy is amazing, such a good man. and then us blokes had this massive Deep and Meaningful. mainly about politics, anarchy, all that. but still! I love talking about actual stuff, I hate smalltalk. tomorrow should be good. :) Peace the Fuck Out