Currently Playing: Heavenly Answer by Bulletproof Messneger

wow, sorry i havent updated in like five days! then again, my four posts the last time sort of make up for it....

I know that I should let this go, but I just feel like letting it go makes it so much more final. Like, I’m breaking my promise to her. Like letting go of her memory is the same as turning my back on her, when I told her I would always be there.

And I meant it too. Whether she loves it or hates it or wants it, I’ll always be there. Because I promised.


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do you believe in forever? i used to. i used to believe that when you loved someone, when you told them it would last forever, it really would.

i guess thats what growing up is all about, though- realizing that nothing really lasts forever. maybe it sucks, certainly it hurts.

but thats life.

this goes out to rob thomas and all the matchbox 20 guys!!!! look, it doesnt get much better than this all day staring at the ceiling making friends with shadows on my wall all night hearing voices telling me that i should get some sleep because tomorrow might be good for something hold on feeling like im headed for a breakdown and i dont know why but im not crazy im just a little unwell but stay a while and maybe then youll see a different side of me im not crazy im just a little impaired i know right now you dont care but soon enough youre gonna think of me and how i used to be

Currently Playing: Back to Good by Matchbox 20 okay, so i said i was gonna post some older stuff, so here goes. wait. pause. killer lyrics. "everyone hides shades of shame but looking inside we're all the same." learn something, people. okay, approx. date is may-something 2009. "You know what i think?" he said quietly. "i think the truth is that you miss her. you miss having her as your best friend. you miss telling her everything and tursting her to keep your secrets. most of all, you miss feeling like you belonged somewhere. you dont really hate her; you only act like you do to cover up how much she truly hurt you."

Currently Playing: Push by Matchbox 20 do you believe in redemption? in forgiveness? is there really such a thing as a second chance? because i have been standing on the fringes of reality, unable to determine what was truly hapening around me and what was merely psychosomatic. someday i will fall into the darkness that is pulling down and down, ever closer to the bottom. there in the inky shadows i shall live with her ghost, with the tattered memories that once were my dreams and my LIFE. look at me now. im standing here in the pouring rain where nobody can tell that im crying. im bleeding to death from the gaping hole from where i was stabbed in the back. it never ends. it doesn't exist. nothing exists. then, silence. then, black.

Currently playing: the worst way to retaliate by my favorite highway wow. i found this note book filled with old writing, so im gonna be posting some of that for at least a few days. its so strange to read something you have no memeory of writing, because then you are lie haha i wrote that and its the greatest feeling in the world. well, second. the greatest is having someone else read it. so without further ado, here goes nothing originally written: august 16, 2009, 11:11 pm you;re right. i dont know everything. hell, i dont know ANYTHING. i dont know what's gonna happennext or how this will turn out what what color the fucking sky will be tomorrow. and you know what? it scares me. it scares the shit out of me that i dont know these things. but that's life. and all we can ever do is try to make the best as the cards are dealt.

Currently playing: panic Switch by Silver Sun Pickups originally written september 28 2008. happy anneversary. one day late (haha i couldnt find it to post yesterday) they told me this would happen. but did i listen? no. im beginning to think that i should have. after all, they've only ever had my best interests in mind. too bad this time i followed my heart instead of my head. i want this so much it hurts. maybe next time ill listen. but chances are, i wont. because when you feel the way i do, when you know that you cant go on without someone, you never stop to think about whats good or bad or right or wrong. you just go along with the moment. i want to believe that i did the right thing. i want to trust him. but its so hard when all my life ive been stabbed in the back or kicked to the curb. i need him, more than anything. and just thinking about the possibility that he doesnt need me too kills me inside. all i ask for is the truth. and the truth is, for the first time in my life, i dont know what to do.

words of advice from my secredt childhood idol...... youll never get to heaven or even to L.A. if you dont believe there's a way. and for the record, heaven's not a place you go when you die; its a moment in your life when you actually feel alive

currently playing: nothing, just blissful silence :) She’s different from the rest of the girls. She’s not fake. She is beautiful, but she’ll never admit it. Music makes her world go round, literally. She loves to sing and dance and act crazy with her friends. Skinny jeans and too much eyeliner are her trademarks. She’s fascinated with the stars. She’s terrified of being alone, and obsessed with coffee. She will over-analyze everything you can possibly say. She can argue, but she hates when it’s over nothing. She hates drama; she can live without both it and the people that cause it. She focuses on her future- but she lingers in the past. She loves opinions and diversity. She sees the beauty in every sunrise and every tear that is shed comes from her heart. But when she does smile, her whole face lights up. She’s too smart for her own good, but the one thing she will never understand is why nobody can love her as much as she loves them.

so maybe i was blinded all this time, and life is all an illusion, and time doesnt even exist. maybe this is all a dream, a very persistant NIGHTMARE and there's no one there to wake me up. it doesnt exist the voice whispers to me as i lie awake in my bed, dreading the neverending darkness that surrounds me. none of it exists. in the morning i take a deep breath and reach for my coffee. its my only comfort in this crazy world. coffee, and the stars. but there are no stars during the day. at least-- not where i can see them. i am alone, all alone. it doesnt exist, the voice whispers. and all the creatures of the darkness turn their empty faces to the starless sky and whisper back... ...it doesnt exist.

Currently playing:fairyland by angelzoom i'd like to believe that there is a chance that i can be forgiven, but i know that i cannot. there is no hope, there is no forgiveness. there is no way to live with what ive done. i look now to the stars for guidance, looking to their eternal ethereal beauty for answers to the questions that keep me awake at night. do they know the secrets of the universe, i wonder? oh, how i long to join them in all their grace. there is nothing for me here in this world. i do not belong to this life. i am not meant to live here amoung the soulless bodies that roam the barren lands. there is no wonder in their darkened eyes, no love for the magic that formed this fragile world which we so precariousl inhabit. soon....yes, very soon, they will see. i do not believe that they will understand, but soon they will see.