last day with internet. i am actaulyl so happy that it would conncect (: um. so im exhausted. i cried alot, played with blades but didn't cut i'v done a heap of homework, and i feel slightly better, i'm going to go to bed early and stuff, try and kick this shitty feeling oh i got my formal pics today i hatedthem at first glance, but now there are a couple i want, three to be exact, one of jay and i, one of my philosophy class and a bros photo. i also have my art indepth question, illustration as a valid art form. ahh my head is everywhere. thsi weekend, jay, i'm thinking movies on saturday and tehn oscar shoudl be havign a party on sat night, and we can sleep over and it will be great. i need to talk to you about art btw, ums im thinking, not in my room anymore, i'm thinking plain white background if there's somewhere we can do that, um and yeah i need to make some stuff for it, but maybe, i unno, in a couple of weekends?? i'm not suree.

I spend almost as much time thinking about cutting as I do thinking about jay, possibly more. lately though it’s been haunting me like never before. I think about the urges, the feeling of the blade slicing through. that nowdays, I can’t bring myself to press just a little bit harder to make them deep. about whether or not I should get a new first aid kit, just incase I start again. I gave most of my blades away, but now should I go get more. I cannot stop thinking about it. every time I get an urge I make the descision to not cut, no matter how hard I’m craving it I try and ride it out, dictract myself. but I fucking miss it, and I know, one day sooner or later I will cave. ill start again and I want to so fucking much. but I don’t want to. I don’t even know. I have depended on it so much. I think things start to get better but then i’ll get yet another urge. these urges, I have so many triggers, so much makes me want to cut. any small amount of anger sadness and disappointment and I can feel a ghostly blade slashing at my wrists. I feel it all the time, I know the signs; my heart sinks and then my wrists start to ache. pleading for the blood to be released. did you know, that when you make those little silly shallow cuts, they have a name? their called hesitiation wounds or something. it’s sick I know that, sick that I know the positioning of every major artery in the body. I feel sick sometimes when I someone else’s scars because I want them so badly. I use my own scars like a stress ball, stroking them to relieve the tension. I want to cut. I need to cut. I want to, I have to. so why don’t i? what the fuck is stopping me? home is horrible. dad’s actually not so bad. I know that they’re having a hard time accepting it. but he seems to be trying, unlike her. he seems to paving the way for me abit.a nd though I doubt I’ll ever tell him I’m thankful. I’m also cynical, maybe it’s just because its for art that I can see her. I don’t know. I was so fuckign wrong back then when I thought that they would accept it. I should have known I guess, but I had so much hope. dad was asking her tonight if jay can come up to help me, because I’d asked and she hadn’t answered. she always does that. she said not while I’m at home. that doesn’t work. she’s always at home. always. it’s my fucking art. it’s not like I’m going to be kissing her there or anything. because oh no mother fucking dearest I try so fucking hard to not scar you with any details of our relationship. I need to talk to you mother dearest I need to fucking have it out with you. I should ring ross. I need another appointment. I wonder, could we do a thing, me, ross, jay and the parents. maybe? I’ am so sick of it. i’m so down. Friday night was amazing but I have cried so much in the past few days. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted, stressed and losing it. winter is always bad for me. I love the cold and the rain and everything. but it makes me sad. this is when is start cutting again. I just want to be able to see her, to not live in fear that my mother will rage at two girls kissing, a gay pride site or a text from jay. I am not myself with my family. I am a shadow, a ghost. I try to be who they want to be, to some extent. I ahte it. they don’t even fucking know who I am. and when the internet is cut off. then what? I can write, but you won’t be able to read it. it’s been awhile since I said this, but I’m craving some oblivion right now. I managed to ride out the night, to cry and talk to her, finally achieving numbness. I don’t like it. she’s been putting on a mask to. she can’t cope either. mm. it just occurred to me that this may not make any sense at all whatsoever, its seven in the morning and I’ve had about four hours sleep, but that’s more than what she had. her eloquence is amazing, all these things I’ve felt for years she manages to describe it perfectly: “and I just feel like fucking crap, I’ve been putting this mask to everyone, that I’m fine, that I’m perfectly in control of myself and it’s driving me insane. but I’m keeping at it. I can’t afford to fuck up as much as I want. to just fuck it all and run away some place with you. I can’t, it’s not a real option and I just have to fight through my mind. it’s a constant battle with it to stay in control for myself and everyone around me.” “I won’t keep up a mask for you, but I will be strong for you, even if it’s just for you. because as long as we’re fine, I’m fine and as long as you’re okay I am too. the thing is I am genuinely happy when I’m with you. all the bad things I’m feeling go away. then they all come flooding back and all too quickly and it’s dreadfully overwhelming. but I’m okay I can control it, it isn’t that bad. kit certainly isn’t nearly as bad as it used to be. I love you and that’s all that fucking matters. and I’d do whatever it takes to keep you from going over the edge… and if you go, I go with you. it’s just the way it is. so together we rode out the night, crying, hurting. alone. separated by fifteen minutes of distance. it could be another fucking state it seems that far. this morning, four hours later, somehow awake and moving my mother starts blabbering at me, telling me okay, Jacinta can come up tonight. I’ll pick you guys up from art, dad will take you home afterwards. I hate her. honestly, how does she think that she can just do that. you’ve got guitar ensemble after school, so that wouldn’t work anyway. and my ideas are changing, I want to plan them a bit more. you can’t just do that. I cried for hours last night, for you to turn around and pretend it never happened. I’m sorry. I just can’t do that. I give up.

it wouldn't let me reply to your post, but it said something along the lines of, as soon as i stepped out of your room i was missing you. i realllyreally do have to see you soon, as soon as possible, i dont know when, but soon. when we're together it seems as thuogh we've never even been apart, but when i have to go, it's as if the world shines a little duller, so yeah, i's like to see you SOON, now, my bit, about last night (: there is something about her moans, about making her writhe in pleasure. my favourite moments are looking at her while we’re fucking, there’s this look on her face, her eyes half closed, I cant describe it, but it makes me so happy. tonight, wow, I have never felt more in sync (and not in that way darling girl) we were just perfect together. I wish I was back there, so bad, kissing you, playing with your piercing, teasing you, up and down your stomach, across your pelvis, occasionally licking you, softly biting your neck, lingering on your nipples, oh those nipples. and your ears, just everything about you. last night was amazing, the best night we’ve spent together so far, meeting callum. then the bus ride home, you resting on me, talking, that guy was creepy though I couldn’t tell what his glances were supposed to mean. then your place, your mother trying to detain me, keeping me from your bed. thank you again to your dad darling, I feel somewhat indebted to him, without his ‘strict instructions’ such a night would not have been possible. I can’t actually string words together in a sentence to describe the awesomeness of last night, I can give you words though: moans, touch, stroke, bite, kiss, fuck, cuddle, l word, distraction. I got home, tired and content, not even the mother could bring me down, just a wonderful feeling. I cannot cannot wait until we are living together, to be able to fall asleep in your arms, to not have to worry about my parents coming to get me, to have all the time we want to spend together, sleep ins on the weekend.

i rreally would like someone to decide my future for me, that or to have an UH-HUH that's my calling moment its that time of year, the ceeebs time, 16 more weeks left of highschool EVER, and then what? the then what freaks the fuck outta me. so yeah um, im getting shit from my teachers, ms robson saying shes worried coz i havent done anything, whihc is BADDD when she says that and ms hunts like youre not doing your best, i was aiming for 18s in evertything i doubt i can get it, i just dont care. not at all. on a lighjter note, i fuckign love babysitting, tonight, we watched swan lake and i streaked the mother's hair im gonna see you tommorow jay, i HAVE to, fuck the rest, i need you, and i need to do my art. (:

i am surprisingly apathetic, i am doing nothing, school is seemingly sucha wate of time,onyly sixteen more weeks, thn its over but that's so long then after the future, fuck that i want t o spend eternity in bed withyu i want to disregard reality i want it all to fuck off for awhiile and the stupidhypocritical thing is i dont actualyl feel tht bad just ergghhh imm fucking sick ofit. i need a change of scenery

i am grumpy> see tumblr post. but tomorrow i'm going to jamie, and i'm seeing jay, and it will be wonderful and OH FUCK i'ma hypocrite i jus sent this massive email to dot, coz i'm fucking worried about her, then i start talking to someone else how i dont wanna be =eating tomorrow. agrh. i wonder, one day, will i ever stop hating myself? one day, will i wake up, and be able to spend the WHOLE ENTIRE day without thinking osmething bad about myself. i really dislike fb chat too, its STUPIDO in the extreme. last night i had this MASSIVE oh god, seventeen weeks and then i won't be at school anymore, it's scary, it's so hard to imagine. i'm considering nuring then specialisig in adolescent psych, it scaes me though to think, not about next year, but the year after, when Jays finished year twelve, and america and stuff.,,

I went to the shrink today, first time in so long and probably good that I did, seeing as home is pretty unbearable. He wants me to meet with another of his clients who’s a cutter; she’s this fourteen year old girl. He thinks that maybe I can help her that she will find it easier to relate to me. Mm, he also said that he thought I’m pre much cured of the whole cutting thing. So, yeah I’m a bit flattered. It’s true, I don’t feel the urges SO much anymore, I don’t really feel the need to cut, Monday was the last time I even held a blade, but then I didn’t want to use it, except for the urge to cut when I was on the way home and mum was so mad. Seeing him is like going to confession, it’s not too nice but afterwards everything is a lot easier. I am so tired though, I think an early bed, maybe not homework. We had a big chat about J and mum and stuff, he said that he thinks that he’ll talk to her. He wants us to have a family meeting but I aint doing that, it just wouldn’t work. honestly though, he’s so great, he’s such an optimist, pretty much all I have to do, according to him, is make the next six months good, good at school, good with friends and family, then school will be almost over and the future awaits. At the moment, I’m toying with the idea of doing nursing and specializing with psych patients, maybe then with adolescents/young adults. It would be a long time at school, but it seems like an area where I think I could help other people. Lately, I’m ridiculously tired. I think it’s because it’s so emotional tiring at home. I’m trying to sleep more, but it’s hard and still do work. I’m thinking this weekend, that instead of going to Jamie’s, going out for dinner then watching movies at Gee’s sounds SO much nicer, easier less tiring. Friday will be my work day; I’ll make good use of my triple free LULZ Tonight was nice, after school, we went back to Georgie’s with her and Hannah and had a massive girly gossip session. It’s so funny, they’re both obsessed with these guys, so naturally, and we’re making ridiculous plots for them to get them, which of course will work (: Life’s actually looking pretty good, I aced my psch assignment, only one in the class to get 100% got my first A in English and school sort of seems to be going well. And there’s a few really nice gaths that are happening soon, and it’s almost over. I’m going to go for my Ls on Tuesday, and just stay there till I get them. By the end of the year I WILL have my Ps. me, Lehmo and Jimmi are thinking bout moving in together, which would be amazing, I reckon. But what I’m looking forward to the absolute most is spending nights with jay, and lazy weekend mornings in bed with her.

i meant kiss, i didnt even get to kiss you,

that was a nice trick she pulled today and i didn't even get to kidd you but its okay i'm home, i didnt cut, i was barley tempted to i need sleep, but i dont want the nightmares that have started i want her to aaccept you, to at least be civil i want out i think ill lurk on here awhile then watch copius episodes of west wing and when my eyes are hanging out of my head, ill go to bed, hopefully i won't dream.

shes means it this time, shes going to cut off internet acces. i will cry, im almost crying atm i don't know how long i have left on my precious blogs its one of the only ways out, it better not be before i get paid this week, i cant handle that too small house, really i cant um, yeah i have a cramp in my foot from standing up for four hours straight and i dont want to eat at all and i need a hug i just need a hug