never tell a soul. you're missing him. for good. and all the thoughts you never told. are they lies? or just untold? are you strong? or bold? do you belong, or do things always get old? and when the backseats of cars tracing eachothers hands become a routine, and not set plans. the four of us will celebrate with 30 or more cans. i never wanna let you down. we'll hang out of the windows of other people driving. pass the joints, that other people have been buying. and this time, i might give in. im starting to believe. im starting to believe in, you. too. you get so worked up. i get so choked up. cliche things are now, real things. we'll have real songs, and real talks. and everything that was planned in our heads will be stressed and happening. we'll have nothing but the past to write about because the future is such a predictable chaos, a predictable feeling. it'll be funny because the only thing written, will be songs about never being caught stealing. just feeling. feeling. feeling. and i've give in. becuase im, starting to believe. believe. believe. in you. too.

Last year this time, sitting in girls living room. Trying to make sense of teenage lovers end. Trying to sound smart in my sleep. Trying to gain courage from coffee. My eyelids were always stronger than. the caffeine. Background information on myself, will have to go un announced. There are only four people to these papers. A few dead to the world fucks might trickle in, but they always evaporate. Look at it as flashbacks. And maybe some Flashforwards. I know i'm throwing these at you from all directions, but I never told you, you had to catch them. Just read. And maybe you can relate. If you can't. I am assuming that you are perfect, or really fucking dumb. Whichever, congratulations. I'd really like to meet either of you.

I am driving, all the time. It's always the grey Honda we named Hondisha. I am never looking at anything. Only thinking, and making the turns second nature. I only catch girl hitting ceiling. It's quick. But it's there. Even in the new white, unstained no cigarette smell 13,000$ P O S. We're driving for a while. I'm taking her to the mall so her aunt can pick her up. I turn on Dashboard Confessional. And not on purpose, but coinsidense, i pour my confessions on the dashboard. I hope she is listening to them. I hope "shes talking to the dashboard" is not the case. I know I was talking about him again. Him is just a dead to world fuck who will evaporate soon. Or maybe he will stay, but in no means is he part of the script that is as important as the four on these papers. I was always talking about him. Girl might hit the ceiling. but nothing ever changes. the ceiling doesn't shake some magic dust and turn everything to gold. But I am golden. and she is onyx. A beautiful onyx. Laced with silver. Now.
She thanks me for the ride. I welcome her. She gets out. she's gone.

We;re in the back of a car. I am Bonde girl. she is Girl. He is Boy1. Girl is on the left. Boy1 is in the middle. Two boys in front are there. Boy1 wasn't "boy1" then. But is now. For now. They roll it quick. We smoke it faster. My life is over the fastest. She inhales. stares blankly. I laugh. Boy1 laughs. Girls stares. Girl has crazy hair. Wearing all black. Bookbag. Little make up. Clear skin. Full face. Not beautiful. But scary to look at because it's the kind of look you want, but can never have. Nothing you would describe if you'd never seen it. But something you knew you would never want to lose if you had. And thats where I am. Sitting there laughing. Me. Blonde girl. Has crush on Boy1. Girl knows. Girl isn't bestfriends with boy1 just yet. They are now. Girl is walking with boy1. Blonde girl. I am walking alone. I search my phone for someone to. text. call? maybe. They don't pick up anyways. But they call right back. I walk back to socialization. Girl and Boy1 are holding hands and swinging. Blonde girl. I get more distant. Girl doesn't understand. The rest of the night as we knew it Blonde girl and Girl didn't talk. Girl is trying to sleep on couch. Blonde girl is thinking about Boy1 and Girl. Girls mom calls. Girl ignores. Girls mom calls blonde girls mom. Blonde girl doesnt know. Blonde girl gets phone call. Blonde girl ignores. Heartbeat quickens. Time gets slower. Blonde girls sister calls. Blonde girl ignores. New voicemail. "youre in trouble. youre not where you're supposed to be."
"william can you take me home. my mom is freaking out."
"yeah, whats up. whats wrong."
"idk shes freraking out. she always does this. idk"
Blonde girl. I rush him out of his own house. I dont say goodbye to anyone.
I look through the compartments in the car. I find axe. I spray.
"got any eye drops?"
"no, id ont think so. dude it's okay chill"
"no it's not. mom is going to freak we need a plan"
I thought of something clever.
I'm leaving things out.
I call my sister and tell her my and my friend got into a fight. My sister picks me up from down the street. I'm hoping for a few breezes. I climb in. Sister smells it. And tells it.
"dont go up stairs. mom wants to talk to you."
"i know im just putting my bookbag down" I walk into my moms room. It's dark. she's still under her covers. Thank god. Heart is still pounding. Drugs still in me. Nothing matters. Long story short. I tell her everything, because I am caught and trapped. and Lying was a good way to do things. But not if youre going to get caught. Telling the truth the first time would still mean you'd only see her hit the ceiling one more time. Or one more time since the last. But only once when it could have been millions. Girl was my bestfriend. She hit ceilings, and slept on floors. Smoked menthols. Not drugs. She hated them actually. Well the kind you smoke. Still does. So do I. But she only knows.

captain chaos makes me happy. in the mornings i make coffee. sometimes it has a weird texture. you sit in my car with one hand on the roof. and realize that there. the texture is different too. and were sitting in this room thats too small for allofus. but i realized thats where it was happening. or wasn't. time is never on our side. and we're wasting so much of it. get home and waste another conversation. waiting for things to slowly stay the same. i can taste anorexia in the back of my throat. can you? never thought i was right. just though i had a right to have a point. and we're all motion. so unmoving. so motionless. it makes us. emotionless. and sometimes you need change. to work the machine. and sometimes. you need. change. to work. the machine. and you are a human. machine. and your actions are acceptable because you're you. but mine are unacceptable because, she's her. and i'm so scared. but what are allofyou doing about it besides complaining. you're all just ask scared. as. i am. you'll pretend to write about this, and it'll all be a metaphore, simile, whatever the literal term for, "like" is. but it'll never even come close. don't have a bit of comfort in my head. but gotta lotta hope in my chest. and when i get thirsty i drink. and later you'll hand me that mixtape you made. and it'll sound all empty. and i dont want to look back on her. thats it. i dont. want. to. look. back. on. this. i want it to be there when i am there. sappy songs about moving on, and futuristic drama bullshit won't be our theme. it'll be the same ones we have today. in the back seat of someone elses car. and the people driving will be the look back ons. back look ons. on look back. might as well look back. now. and back when we were 7 we never forgot to eat dinner. and were never taught the meaning of progression. and we've spent our lives waiting. spent most of our lives dreaming. and i realized how different they are as the people change. and the stories you ask me to tell. i whisper them in my head until i fall asleep. you try to make a list of all the people you could give a fuck about. and i never thought. i would. give. a fuck. about. allofyou. thefourofyou. you. but you've become all my fucks. you'll never start writing because the list is too long. and you were never good at lists. unless it was the length. just a waste of time. this one. you've forgotten all the names. we won't have to send postcards. we'll just have to pick them out. or make our own. and we are made of everything we regret. and only our wants. because those are the things we talk about. like the urges of our atoms. or our. organs. or the want for our fourth ciggarette in the first hour. and we'll all forgive eachother. because we're all we've got. you fell in love with the sunshine. and i fell in love with the night. you left with a boy. i left with my drink. spent 6 years on the verge of tears. and soon i'll be built up enough to provide africa with sea of fears. and i understand that you're all bitter. with me. but i wish you'd just come with. me. i've got lots of problems. but i've got no freedom to force them. out. but i forgive. you. all. and you'll all be as beautiful as when we first met. because i realized that i love you. i love you. i love you. and i'm not scared of that anymore. and what scares me the most is, that im not scared of it. and i know im not crazy for thinking it. or saying it back. sabatoge the mind. i dont want to regret. i just want to forget. you'll all be done outside because it's too cold to feel. you'll beg me to come inside. and i'll tell you, just a few more. i'll be okay. and she said. i love you. and i always forget to. say it. but i love you. i love. you. i love you. you know that sunken feeling that happens when you look down and for the first second all your feelings drop and it all rushes back at once? i feel that way. now. all the time. we'll have our favorite rooftop and look at the city and realize how much its changed. how the people never go. but the only thing that stays the same. is. i love you i love you i love you. we're all awestruck by the things that we are. youre never wrong. but we're always right. it just gets sad when you begin to ask why. or where. when things have always been the same. you all keep me sane. but next time. i'm. here. i hope. you. grow. a pair. and keep me company. because the room thats too small for allofus. is all we've got. and if theres not excuse. then will you please join? and if i forgot to mention it. i thought you should know. i love you. i love you. i love you.

looking back, on the back pack, nap sack, rap trap, past blast. where do i want to be? where will i be. looked outside. brain told me it'd be cold. gave my eyes seperate black coats. stepped outside to find that i believed a rumor i made up. i feel like a crisp magazine cutout. it's cold and the trees aren't embarassed. and i miss the way it feels when it's cold out. or don't feel. heart was already keeping me cold, even through the summer. you taught me that. you never talked back. and just because im a talker doesn;t mean just listen. but thank you. for that. listening to the ramble that will always be nothing. even to you. kiah, i finally found that book i was missing. in that bestfriends car, i was missing. in those things i was missing. out on. seperately cheating my own life. blaming everyone else, but always letting them take me for granted before i could even snatch their breath. away. and if i had heard the story earlier, i would have probably burned the book, the missing. bestfriend. memories. that can never be replaced. and hey you, it's been a while. but i hope that trip to california next summer, and the plans afterward treat you well. if they follow through. fall through. why don't we ever talk about anything but, being alone and scared? i know it's too soon, but i know that trip will never treat you right. just keep holding that bottle close than you hold your friends. your. girlfriend. so hey, k i know you've been up late these past few nights. whens the world going to give you your big break? these tongue twisters will get old. whent hey get bold and dont keep their hold. and they'll begin to fold, crack the gold. and the onyx will always stay. and i think i've been shaking since i realized i was shaking in the first place. whats the use in big dreams. dream. dreamy green eyes. we're all just the causalties of modern science, and history repitition. but i still dream. and sometimes i smile. and its not that bad. but i never have a grip on myself. or my self. maybe i just a stencil. to outline my life and color in the black perfection. little girl youre gonna hafta putta smile on every once in while. or you're never gonna getta a goin' in the life you think you're livin'. we're all so busy repeating history, and what happened in thomas jefferesons shed yesterday. nothing because you have to pay to see these things that mean nothing to us anyways. maybe oneday ill be important enough so people will pay. for their way into. my house. too busy covering up the time so we don't think of attempt #22 of killing ourselves with caugh medicine. sleep medicine. nyquil is my bestfriend medicine. phone rings postpones nyquils lullaby. "hey, blahblahblahblah, are you listening?" yes, but i can never hear you anyways. inconvenience comes with possibilities of circumstances. lighteing is the only thing brigthening this room. thinking that this stinking phone should be changed so that maybe you will call instead of people that wont allow my ear to tolerate their complaints. maybe all you slutty, shitty, leftover ex friends boyfriends girlfriends, should all get together and have a letsjumpoffaroof sesh. get together with your polished hair just to get all dressed up again so people can see your poorly put together theme by the person putting you in your coffin. and me and my friends will continue to bum ciggerettes, and kill ourselves slowly, because we were never dumb enough to follow the leader off that roof on third street. see you next fall, bitches. and we'll think about all the money we've spent on pubs, tshirts, and dr.pepper and say "damn we could be rich." good thing we get two free teeth cleanings a year. going to experiment with LSD get those 40 personalities i wanted. ill even connect the dots for you. 1998 california, sitting in a hotel hallway. never supervision. talked to my stuffed animals. my sister was my bestfriend, and i ws too young to have secrets. too young to pay for things besides soda pop and potatoe chips on the first floor. thought the green from the chlorine, morhphine, was pretty cool. until. mom called me a fool because she made a new rule.