we are centuries old. becoming bold. taking steps. wearing clothes that everyone reps. fuck fashion. we have lost all of our passion. v hearts. hearts v. take them. swallow swallow swallow. you should be used to that. we are all shallow. all dillusioned, react with a minldess creation. why? change is a lie. everything stays the same. havent you learned this game? its all in your head? who is that in your bed? her hair was red. but her mind was shot. body was hot. purged was what you thought. we all know. she's a penis fly trap. everyone is waiting for you to snap. all come around, you start to hear them clap. and you never hear about the path less chosen. when their hearts become frozen. and everyone assumes take the travel more beaten. follow the trend. make your own and you'll bend. the rules a little. and my god her bones are so brittle. we are all sick. slap another brick. in the wall you call progress. regression makes for great books and envious looks. makes you feel good when you come back up. sick chaos. liberate. educate. edumicate. sit still. grab a book. suffocate yourself. a system that fails is a system that gains. if i am the sponge all of you are the water. is it me or is it getting hotter? im so far deep, this is why my eyes wont allow sleep.

consumed thoughts. consumers buy to untihking minds. cheap finds. how do you like your fucking change? have a nigger for your leader. glad i was never a follower. i am a stray. now everyone is asking for change. on the streets. we have to ask ourselves. is our purpose ever served? and ties are severed and levered down with another bill. mr. president has another proposistion for his posistion. new health care for the careless. health care for the blacks in there newly pressed slacks. and what is that your screamin? remember what happened to the last black who started dreamin? millions under the impression that your fabricated lies with somehow save us. pretty soon it'll be white people riding the bus. rosa parks a transformed, ashley sparks. everything is distorted. the teachers always reported, 'history repeats itself'. it was never an easy thing for you to cope. i'm only referring to the ignorant niggers who pulled the triggers and voted for the mixed nigger. ignorant fucker. remove connection. communication. and dont get me wrong. i'm not hating. just debating. i like black people. its the ignorant fucks that have to go. whites too. anyone who has stoppped being immune to the fume of youth, you've stopped living a long time ago. we're all living to grow. i say fuck presidents. and fuck yes to individualized residents. what happened to everyone being equal? this story deserves a sequil.

i keep my eyes shut. or are they open? they are closed to whether there were blankets on the top. or not. a few things you should know about me. like how i hate the word powder, and the smell of fruity things. it often brings headaches. and your smells bring heartaches. and i get excited when im driving by myself. when i think of bunkbeds nothing comes. but when i think of bunkbeds i never wanted anything to come. small enough not to touch the smoke stained ceilings. and now the boys they hold my hand. and they make smart jokes. and the hoax its all on them. its all on me. it was always on me. act without thinking. think before doing. never do. do make say think. mogwai. and cody. and nick drake. all of this is true. do you know? what it does to me. because i dont. whats the worst thing that has ever happened to you? is it bad if you cant afford to choose. your mind wont allow to pick. and choose. they are all bad. sad. im glad you came. i am fucking sick. and i need a bottle. give me a fucking bottle. and the only message i get is the amount of this. and the amount of that. and the amount of myself. what keeps you up at night? i am not up at night. my height was never recorded then. i never grew. sold my soul to the devil at age 6. its not something we cant fix. but there are no garantees in this life. so you take the sharpest kitchen knife and put a price on yourself. and if something has a price. nothing has value. and you slide off the bed as you stuff your mothers shoe. it doesnt fit but you never had a clue. when willl this fucking world wake up? we dont need clothes and rings. fundemental valueless things. we need scarves from the goodwill. book that make the brain nerves sting. senitmental. valuable things. and i promise this time ill be wide awake when the phone rings. and absolute drink. for absolute beginners. and the things you will tear up are the things that i write down. and the tv says theres bad things happening over there. but my brain says i am too young. but too old. so i just worry about whats happening over here. and everyones losing their job. or getting hired. to get fired. to get hired again to sell their life again. for minimum wage an hour. and did i tell you hate bunk beds. and this is why im so fucked up. and you fucked me up. and did i ever tell you what happened. i was just preparing myself for the wonderful future. old enough now to keep my mouth shut. brought you back a souvenier. just wanted to say fuck you. im glad you were never here.

everyones gettting paid. going out to tet laid. playing a big game of charades. lucky to not be invited. home on firday and saturday. freedom comes and goes. leaves with the breeze. it stays and creeps in like a creepy crawl under logs in the garden you once played in. and that summer when you told your dad your mom let you start shaving and you cut your legs, like a walking meat locker. and you found out what the shocker meant. you swam in the pool and having the darkest tanlines made you cool. you doggy paddle, rattle your brains out. found out what feeling was. and because of this you were never the same again.

you live in. you give in. you slept in and noone asked any questions. you walk down the street holding hands with mr. marlboro. mother told you so. say we'll never get to know, when all the little book stores close, and the smells of new books makes you smile, at least, the new ones, to you. and for a while, your poor fashion sense of style, comic book eyes like sharp shooters lies. soon we say our goodbyes hooked to telephone lines and exit routes are all past due, orientations are all passed up, and fucked up. your fascinations with the hiptrade dressing up like its some big charade. the translater bottom line was a big mis envador sim is always on your cieling, your room has feeling, but do you? and bottom lining, deep ends with the shallow ends, you didnt see the color change to the drop off when your time ends. and yourlookingsomuchfinerthanyoudidwheniwaswithyou. so i send him different songs to make a point. but whats the point. and the point is things are different. and our age is finally growing into our skin. from blue to grey, shoplifter to box lifter, sand critter to sand shifter. and since when did my glasses stop working?

we both like black. sitting on the stairs, i laugh at the house. i tell you i'm laughing at myself. you think im laughing at your hair. this time im not so worried about what it is. its good. i'd like to compress a book of letters i will never show people. then get it published. so the world will think they are for them. i hope they find hope in them. and in the spaces i hope they smell the burn of mary janes vagina in my throat. i hope they breath the alcohol, and the aeresol brain cells. i hope they taste the hope i want to give them. vanshising. we are all. vanishing. its amazing. isnt it?

opaque pills line your dresser. i can see them, even in the dark. you draw in the pitch of it. when we submit the feelings we plan to forget. so lies in your hands, or your bed. and you prefer the worst. with pictures of lydia hurst. so in your head the birthday balloons burst. i never hated you, just your. guts. when sluts became bestfriends, and first place became last resort. so you bailed that night when i told you i was going away to college, andi know were both scared, but im falling off the edge. are you brave enough to push me, this time? prices going up. values going down. virgins without blood, and kids without morality. better believe in this believing, because its something to be acheiving. things will matter when things begin to shatter. and you can have your cake and eat it too. something about getting fatter. and wearing the same shoes. and those pills i saw in the dark, are hiding in your throat. where they disintegrate, and faces generate. we're both in the same boat. why are people alawys complaining about sinking, when we haven't even set sail. all my friends begin to bail, and my lesson plans, all fail. left a trail for the black, sheep. stayed. the night with white lies. and fell asleep in the back of a truck. woke up in the morning, found a buck. im not one for thinking, or sinking, but i know when someone is looking for a quick fuck.

i'll do a line. you do a line. i have to make you mine. and we draw fine lines. in the sand. i take your hand. but only for a second. because you want it back. and you forget to hold the slack. and together they call us clever. friends for ever. if you said things would be worth trying, why are you crying, while i'm dying, and sighing. i told you i was trying. told you i was dying. to tell you i'm dying. i knew you were lying. humans are complete on their own. boys just want to get blown. and girls like us, have never been known. we fuck your brains. leave imprinted burned, coffee stains. you dont know what this means. to end. means to and end. and we bend. tell you to get bent. and you never got the hint. we missed last months rent. i always come over. and i miss you always all over. so when were you going to tell me what happened late lastnight? never told me if she was loose or tight. she was easy like level one. didnt even put up a fight. did it for fun. and this is what you do for fun, these days? damn kid, you're going to have to teach me your ways. too. i put you to the test. make you puck up the rest. of the cans. as you empty them down your throat i glance at you and youre just too wasted so you smile. and i'm just blind. and by 6 it'll be time to unwind. again. i'll lift up your chin. you'll find that stupid grin. and we'll dance and get dizzy. dizzy sick, and spinning. fall on the couch. and fall asleep. the house will be quiet. and the music with be louder than our next riot. and everyone who was asleep before us, doesnt know they're brain just got fucked. they're out of luck. always in a hurry. to get nowhere. just worthy enough. for our imprinted, burned, coffee stains we sat on their brains, while we fucked them quietly. it was completely loose, slipping through the noose. and this is what we do for fun. i'll show you my technique, but in itself you'll be getting fucked, again, because i'll know your every move. lets admit. you were never so smooth.

safe keeps for the keeps. keeps for the sake. keep these for sakes keep. not keeping me so safe. taking them all with me. in a big keep safe box. safe keeping. keeping them safe. box. one. big safe. box. but, saftey pins, aren't so. safe either. and all these exes and ohs. and "what rhymes with joes" you say slow. i knew you would. so you say hoe. and what do you know know joe. slow hoes wrapped and tied perfectly with pretty pink skirts. never any bows. and you said great. and the bottle-cap, empty packed, already packed. never packed back packs. are in the back. seat. we;re never hungry. so we never have to eat. and we dot and dsah our maps on the way. not before. never knew where we were going. we just went. got bent. and out of shape. you folded. and they didnt show. took a drag. went into the store with a few shirts that printed the american flag. our bags will never be full unpacked. because we're always ready to go. and did you ever grow into those clothes. in five minutes this store is going to close. and in the air port you find the most interesting people. the biggest fuck ups in a steeple. and the happiest are always later traveling. seeing things before. they. kick the. bucket. fuck it. and do you get it? and what is yours will soon be mine. and all my safe keeps that keeps me safe. will keep you safe. too. whats mine is yours. nothing comes in fours. just twos. even the blues. and ceven clues. but the beauty of it all is. ill have you. and he'll have him. and in any case that works out perfectly. and we'll wait for the morning while we're still waiting for today. and in twenty years. you'll be my aunt dawn. you'll pul up the clean white sheet and pull out the dusty shoe box from under your bed. and we'll both try to figure out what kind of cloud was hung over our head. it will be distant and we wont be waiting for the instant where everything comes running back. so instead of burning all the picutres, and used post cards we start to make a stack. and a list. and laugh at the stupid cat who always used to hiss. and the boys we always used to kiss. we'll wonder where they've been all these years. and still nothing comes back. just kids being kids. now looking for all the right lids. for all the bowls in the cabinent. and all the lables. for the kids. that you take. care of. and atleast we know we wont die ion the small town we grew up in. or tell kids about the yards we threw up in. and now. they measure us in metaphored lines. sum us up in one pathetic word. just because we'd rahter take the subway than pay for our gas. and instead of watching the clock pass. in a cubicle. or office. we'll be two kids living. and did you know im terrfied of the ozone layer. and deep water. like drowning in pools. or getting in cars with drunk fools. and im in love with. movies that make you think. boys that stink. and im in love with us. and this bus. and whats all the fuss. about growing up. we still have the rest of our lives. and i dont know if you knew. but this is a life plan. did you know? this is a life plan. and this is it. but hey, kiah i think if we're staying put here for a while. we need to get a fan. we can work at the coffee shop up the street. it might take a few years to get back on our feet again, but id do it again. ill do it again. ill do it. we'll do it. its not forever now. but we;ll do it.

i dont believe in heaven. a boy at a bar once asked me if i'd believed in God. With a capital G. I told him "no." He asked me why. I told him that if he were real, bad things wouldn't happen and he wouldn't make it so hard for people to be as good as he plans them to be. He took it with thought and didn't have a reply. And we work for a living. And we die for a living. My dad told a million stories in one. We used to have a lot of fun. They used to tell me milk made my bones strong. And when I grew up, I found they were wrong all along. I started taking hits from the bong. My brother told me I broke my fathers heart. My mom told me herself I broke her heart. And for a year now, everyday I look for a new start. My bestfriend is onyx. Sometimes, I'd like to give her hooked on phonics. I only seems ironic. This was when she told me that her and her boyfriends relationship was comletely platonic. I wonder if she knows that bleeding means losing. And everything is breaking my heart. I pin down the wrinkles. I was so afraid of creases. Except in my note passing. My bestfriend back then got best note passer. I got best note writer. And we used to have a lot of fun. I remember meeting you. It was so different then. It was so much the same. I dont think all of that needs to be explained. It was cold, just like it is now. And we have alot of fun, don't we? Did we? Do we? You always 'think' you wish you could be the reason I laugh. I know it's important to you, but I keep all emotions to myself, for myself. And we never talk about your dad health. But I know this is face to face. And I know he's shitty, and maybe you say theres no ounce of love in him, but i'll say theres an inch. maybe a centemeter. And in between the saddest nights and the happiest, we'll laugh hard, we'll laugh a sober hard, and talk about how we hated never being able to do this. And we won't realize these are the moments until they've actually passed. So when I realize it when it's there I'll be screaming. "THIS IS IT, dont you understand this is it?" You'll smile. But you'll still realize after. You'll stand behind my caked up face in the mirror and tell me you've always been jealous. But I bet you didn't know I think you're the most beautiful girl i've ever met. And it's hard because you always forget. I lied when you said you didn't dissappoint me. I was just making repetitive selfish statements. You dissappoint me for dissappointing yourself. I know you want to die. and I know you haven't have a perfect day, much less an hour. But I know if you stopped doing that thing you do, you're days will be less timed, and you're talks will be less planned. things will fall into place, and you'll always have my hand. you'll always have my hand. And don't you realize. this is it?