I just want to say that I feel empty inside. Will I ever find happiness? Or will this be my life? 

You know I never thought I would come back and update this journal but life has been pretty much same same so might as well document it as such. 

I was thinking about some quotes from a song, Memories from Marron 5

"There's a time that I remember, where I did not know no pain. When I still believed in forever, and everything would stay the same. Now my heart feel like december, when somebody say your name, when I can't reach out to call you, though I know I will one day."

 

My life didn't go the way I wanted it too. I tried. I honestly tried. But as you can see i've really made no progress. I am who I am, and I can't change that. 

Let start off with the bad first. Doug had a friend in bonita who apparently could hook things up pretty well. We bought from him once and it was straight shit. So of course I had to come back. Things didnt go so smoothly second time around. Took 45 min just to get to us and when everything was almost set to go the worst had to happen. Some punk reached in through the car window right as soon as everthing was scaled out. It was obvious what was goin on cause like I said, we were there for almost an hour. So some1 takes ur shit and the first instinct would be to get it back. Doug and I scrambled as fast as we could to run him down. Not even 20 feet away from the car I was shoved from the back and tripped over a huge fucking rock and hence the stitches. Anyways doug kept after him but it was hopeless, i came to my senses and went back to the car to lock it up. We lost $100 that day and our dignity. Now on to a somewhat happier topic. We went up to louisiana this weekend for a relatives wedding. I met Zoey there. Shes something else, reminds me of lauren. Anyway, this girl gives me hope that there still are genuine people in this world. Ive yet to meet anyone as down to earth and I really mean that.

Common courtesy and civilizations norms often call for us to spin little white lies of flattery in order to bring about a self-perpetuated equilibrium. In layman's terms, praising others is necessary, and often essential in various social settings in today's society. Flattery is most often used to either mask an ugly truth, impress or appease an otherwise irreconcilable neighbor, or just to make the already good seem great. To define the existence and use of flattery, the most proverbial intention must be acknowledged. The stereotypical wife putting on that dress just to ask her husband if it makes "[her] butt look big" is a perfect example. The husband has no choice but to say the four infamous words that have been branded into our brains for the last decade, "No, you look great". American society has always brought us to never shed light on the perverse and unadulterated realities of our world but to instead stack them up and hide them in the attic of our minds so long as it serves a greater purpose. The sad truth of it all is that we no longer wish to be told the truth; We'd rather bathe in our fountain of neatly spun little white lies. The philosophy: To achieve 'true' happiness. To get a promotion these days, the job description always seems to scream Asskissing Advisory. So much so that flattery in the workplace nowadays seems to come hand in hand with a lack of a backbone. Remember when job promotions meant hard work, determination, and standing up for what you believe in? Well, all that's been thrown out the window and all that's left is: a loss of integrity, lots of coffee, and sore knees. Saving the best for last, we look at flattery in its most honest of intentions. The best way to describe this occurrence is to look at the king of all grandiose exaggerations: Hollywood. In particular, let's look at the inspirational, tear-jerking film known only as "The Blindside". The movie talks of a young man born and raised is an environmentally disadvantaged neighborhood. Despite his disadvantages, the boy is able to turn his life around, rise to the top, and play ball with greatest of the elite. The best part is, that it's based on a true story. Now this story unaltered and told page by page would be a miracle upon itself but the producers at Warner Bros. studios thought "The truth and nothing but the truth" was a little overrated. The sad part is, they're right. The pure chaste story of Michael Oher would have been a good one but it would not have been great. The American audience doesn't want the good, they want the impossible. What we really want to see is the unachievable somehow achieved and plastered on the silver screen for our visual enjoyment. In conclusion, we are all conditioned to only accept the best even when the best is not necessarily true. That is where all flattery lies.

Tomorrow school starts again. Hopefully this year will be better than the last.I still have no idea what Im gonna do after high school. All I really want is to find that special girl, move to salt lake city, and live the rest of my days hitting the slopes. A guy can dream of such things... Too bad we're all brought up burdened with the monotonous life of waking up day after day going to the same job, doing the same thing even though it makes no difference to the world, no impact on life except yours, just so you can go home and do it all over again. Given the fact that all of us are tied down to this painfully repetitive and mundane lifestyle, might as well do something you love. Never even been snowboarding but if its anything like I imagined, I think I've found my heaven on earth.

Im wastin away in my own misery, I hope you've finally gone to a place where you belong.

Hopefully one day I can see Kimberly again. This life or the next.

Remember the same exact 4day cruise you went on sophomore year and how lame it was. Well not this time, 1st day and I met up with the most amazing girl; Kimberly. We just talked and nothing really happened until the second day where things got really serious. Too bad on the 3rd day I fucked everything up when I met the promiscuous and ever so sinful Jordan Sterr. Honestly, I wanted the things I did that night because it was easy but ultimately I ruined everything with a wonderful girl. Now it has been a few days since the cruise but I will never forget Kimberly and the time we shared together. I even named my car after her. P.S. On a side note, I feel like God might have given me a second chance and the headaches seem to be subsiding. I can still feel the aches occasionally but nowhere near the intensity I felt before.

Lots of things have happened since my last log. Ill try to put it in chronological order so here I go... Junior Year at South Fort Myers and finally picked up a license and a car. Well first car I get is a 98 Lexus 300ES which I trashed on my bros b-day driving 100 miles trying to drift in a nearby rode. Nearby as in right next to my house. Bear with me cause the fun doesn't start till I get the 2000 Solara. So picked up a couple new friends along the way namely Josh and Tristan who were my boys up until recently. Got baked at Tristans house one night (along with a crumbling drug deal with D. Banness) and the rest was history. Around this time I found fun in multiple drugs (jk just jane, alcohol, and tb), drifting, and just crazy shit. Then my first real girlfriend tags along and changes the whole scene. Savannah Ross would always be known as one of the biggest regrets of my life. It started out as a fling which quickly became infatuation which turned into an unhealthy thing. I lost my virginity to her thinking it was no big thing, turns out I still think about it to this day. When she left me for mike I was just burned up alive. I still think about that night at chelseas and the night we snuck back into her house. Anyways my relationship with Tristan kinda broke off after he fucking crashed my car trying to drift. I dislocated the guys jaw and you can never really be solid after that. Car gets fixed and totaled again yada yada. It was partly my fault the second time around. Brakes didn't work WELL and I just had to "test" them out. Well I get a rental for awhile and then my dream car the Altima but lets talks about the in-between of that time span. Jumped Derek's friend cause we knew he was in on the thing. Got my ass handed to me wrongly by Robby cause some1 stole his shit. Got my revenge by knocking Mikes shit and finally won my dignity back (Savannah was there to witness and finally got him back for jumping me). Get jumped again for making a bad decision and hanging out with David Dinkwater. Got him back the next week making him scream for his boy! God I wish I had caught that on tape. Id also like to add that in between this time we did everything we could possibly think of that was illegal and did in fact get away with most everything. Drinking and driving being the biggest 1 (you'll remember the night we stopped to chill on the road near my house, 3 cops). Did a dine and dash at tgifridays after getting away from a speeding ticket while drunk! Did 80+ on three oaks passing a cop on the median and got away! Got drunk at karl drews till it got busted by the cops, bolted, got pulled over and the only person sent home was Josh. 5 min later we come by to pick him up on the road. Biggest crime #2 would probably have to be petty theft (mainly beer runs). >40 beer runs achieved and somewhat proud. Apparently God loves either me or Josh cause once were together we pretty much get away with EVERYTHING. I mean its almost supernatural how we haven't gotten arrested or killed yet. We both know Tristan and Ryan weren't so lucky.... (Jail time sucks). However I didn't go through this unscathed. During my time experimenting with marijuana, shit finally caught up to me and now I have to deal with a debilitating headache in the back of my brain. It gets bad and sometimes I feel like I need to just put a bullet in my brain. Idk but if this stays the same Im gonna have to go it a freak skydiving "accident". My days with marijuana are over even though I have bouts with addiction. Nyways on may 21, 2011 I suffered the next to none biggest hiccup of my life. Shit got real, drunk driving feeling like I was the king of the world, I totaled my car driving 70mph into a mailbox, tree stump and abandoned house. This was just after a successful kegrun and the accident happened not 1 block from the final destination. I should be lucky to be alive since I wasn't wearing a seat belt. Sometimes I wish I had died that night saving my dad the trouble. Idk what God has in store for me cause obviously he doesn't want me dead yet.....

It seems that dreams is only where I can find peace. When you're asleep you don't even know your out. You don't know whether your dead or alive. I feel like maybe when you die all that happens is that you dream. Maybe there is a heaven or hell. Maybe there is such a thing as a second life. Maybe when you work hard and put forth an effort to do the good in the world you getting rewarded when you die. I would like to think that. Sometimes I feel like Im the only person who actually isn't a total douchebag. Maybe I actually am, from what my brother says. Idk but I want to try and become a better person...