wow. i'm at school. and as i'm listening to the people around me talking, i realize i'm so much cooler than all of them. not just cool in the "bob dylan fan, smoking in the girls room, red lipstick and curled hair, lets go to the show" sense. but like... as a fucking person. i'm so much more rad than any of them. maybe its because i suck shit at school, so i have all the extra time to love myself. i do love myself. i mean, why not, i'm fucking awesome. i fucking adore myself.

i want to legally emancIpate myself. anne frank has more privacy than me. imagine this: you live in a house with people you do not like. they do not like you. the love is undeniable. the like...not so much. they read all of your journals, they go through your things, they claim your life. now imagine the fact that you need them. that you cant leave because you know that without them you will one day be ground down to nothing. fucked up, right? yeah. Grant says "You have a car. just sell some shit to get money and pack up. Go to mexico and live in miguels house." PROBLEM: nothing worth selling that anyone in this town would buy. PROBLEM: Don't know how to get to mexico. PROBLEM: i dont want to live in miguels house because then i'll owe him. sixteen months untill i can do what i want. not sure yet what that is, but i'll be able to do it. i'm not going to turn into some ink-whore and smoke weed all the time. like thats a bad thing. i just want the vindication of wanting to do something and being free enough to say "I've got the resources-lets do it." i dont hate my parents. i just hate their parenting.

i want adventure, man. nothing exciting ever happens in my life. i dont mean nothing exciting ever happens, even thought thats what i just said, i just mean that nothing extraordinary ever happens. I want indy jones type shit. i wanna run around through caves with a satchel full of maps and things and a gun and find treasure. but i just pictured myself with a satchel and a gun and it was really...pathetic looking. shit fire. maybe i could just smoke crack.

a pot full of crack. theres a girl in my history class right now that looks like a dolphin, and shes looking up pictures of pit bull puppies and she looks like shes going to cry. tripped and fell and almost got ran over. got in a fistfight with a mexican man. seems to be a recurring theme in my life. looked up hpv and screamed when a picture of a warty hairy butthole popped up. took some xanax. ruled the world by jove i think youve got it.

Okay so here's what's up. I did Christmas early this year. On Christmas eve eve. And the booty? I got a crepe griddle (sweet) a beatles poster. A beatles album. New Norah jones. Shoes. A shag rug. Raisins. Super cool. Smooth away. Effing awesome. A system for my car. And my house flooded. Great. Hope yours was better. Tell me what you get. Happy Christmas.

Mkay fellas thing is when you send someone a message you have to enter a subject. Otherwise it doesn't go through. So let's try again. What do I want? A subject My kingdom for a subject.

Okay so I'm considering becoming a celebrity. No idea whAt I expect to be famous for. Maybe I'll be professionally drunk. I mean I'm no Craig ferguson, but... I mean, maybe a little. Just lacking man parts And Irish decent. I'm going to be a zillionaire and die in a million different ways. I know that NO ONE is reading this. But if you do happen to read it, tell me I'm a superstar and my efforts are not futile. I SHALL SUCCEED.

someone sent me a message without a subject. and i cant read it untill it has a subject, apparently. so... if you sent me a message, i would be very appreciative if you'd resend it. WITH A SUBJECT. that blinking envelope makes me want to kick someones teeth.

fuck that man. i hate those people all "ahhhh fuck my lifeeee". so fuck it. I hate my life. But thats okay, i guess. I mean, at my age, isnt the detest of ones own life...expected? shit, man. I'm going to do the damn thing, untill im too tired to do it anymore. Then i'm going to go home and sleep so i can wake up and do the damn thing again, every day for the rest of my life. And thats good.

fuck you. fuck you fuck you fuck you. im fucking tired of waiting. because ive loved you even when you were gone. even when i was gone. when you were in jail, and when i was in denial i loved you. i love you now, but i love myself now. im in love. and theres nothing you can do to stop me. im in love with a boy who thinks i am a pearl. the apple of an eye. so fuck you.