my moms becoming an alchoholic, yay! well, at least it gives her an excuse for acting the way she is. i never knew why my parents were always going to the liquor store, i never saw them drink. but thats when i learned about the great discreetness of spiking drinks! but thats okay. i really dont care. it just sort of sucks making plans and having to cancel, or calling home at seven and being told to come home because "[she] said so." ive been trying to reconnect with a friend who was really close, but its getting hard. and i dont really even know whats going on, so blah. -- anyway, boyfriend and i are good. ive seen him every single day for the past month or so, and i was expecting to get sick of him. of course im finding things that he sometimes does that hurt or annoy me, but i always tell him, and he tries. but i do the same i guess. but i miss him a lot when hes gone. besides that im leaving in SEVEN days, for two weeks. im going to maine with one of my bestbestbestbest friends in the whole world. weve gone every year for three years, and we wlays laugh and have a great time. shit i cant wait to leave this place. theyre basically my second family.

im trying so hard to not lash out, to be tranquil and subtle when i fight with my mother, especially around my boyfriend. but i lashed out today, and now i dont even know what the fuck is going on. for one, my mother wont talk to me which, i dont really give a damn about. but second, now my boyfriend is saying im not the person he thought i was? just because i got mad and lashed out? what the fuck! people get angry, people also get angry for different reasons. people are brought up differently, but that doesnt mean im a bad person. im not made of stone, i have feelings. and sometimes, when people stomp all over them like im some huge dirt clod i get a little angry. sometimes, i want to grab you by the shirt, and scream at you. tell you how it really feels, tell you that i feel like dying sometimes, and tell you how hard its been lately. sometimes i want to scream at you to help me, to just listen to me and truly understand what makes me tick and why, instead of your interpretation. but this all comes with time, i guess. i know youll understand. i love you, i really do, and i dont feel like im losing you, but i dont think i could handle it if you did. ive been promised he wouldnt leave me, ive been promised he wouldnt let anybody break my heart again, ive been promised he would love me forever. and that ended so fast. dont end this so fast. dont end this at all.

i switched to my fibromiyalgia medication today. i now take two 500mg naproxen tablets, one 20mg citalopram tablet, one 100mg bupropion tablet, and one 30mg cymbalta capsule. If the cymbalta doesnt work out, im going to have to ask my rheumatologist for a long term narcotic, preferably flexeril, because that helped me a lot. i dont know. i love you. help me.

1. trust and ignorance. i found some interesting text messages on my boyfriends phone, things that i thought id never see. he told me they were from his best friend or whatever, but i havent checked his messages since. im not sure if total ignorance and total trust are the same thing, but i want to believe that im in a good relationship. if i dont look, if i close my eyes, i wont see anything. right? i trust you. i just dont know if youre misplacing it.. 2. hell buy all the dope he wants, keys, and in the end hell give you the shit he doesnt want. he doesnt want the best for you. he doesnt care. why cant you understand what we do.

i had a dream about you. i miss you. i dont know where you are, or what youre doing, or where youre going, but if you still ever read this i want you to know i still care. i loved you, sometimes i wonder if i still love you. but i have my boyfriend now, he promised me the same things you did, and im scared. i wish youd stayed my friend, at least. because you didnt stay with me. i know what ive done to you. but do you have any idea what you put me through? baby i dont know if it would have been worth it. im sorry. im sorry nathan.

im doing okay. i have bunnies, well i do and my brother has one. my bunny is a boy, and his name is romeo. they are babies, so they require a lot of attention and care, but i love it. i love taking care of them and playing with them, and seeing as my brother is six i have taken over responsibility of both the babies.
-- i was at the beach today with my boyfriend and my best friend, it rained a little but we went swimming and had fun, and were going out again tonight. i guess i dont have much going on, except for the hospital visits.
so far the "diagnosis" (meaning ideas the doctor has but doesnt really know) are PCOS in my knees, and fibromyalgia. id like to tell you what those mean, but i dont even know. this one test keeps coming back positive, antinuclear antibodies or something like that. it could be absolutely nothing, but im always in pain.
its not like, a searing uncopable pain, its a throbbing, dull, relentless pain. like, when you run up several flights of stairs, or like being stabbed. sometimes it feels like something is sitting on my shoulders, i dont know maybe i just break gravity.
but anyways, i have a few options. cymbalta, hip injections, melatonin pills, and lots of excercise. well see what happens.
dun dun dun

dont read this. youll puke. what the fuck is going on. thats what i want to know. ever since he got his liscense, and i have been able to see him daily for long periods of time, im actually getting attached. I don't know what it is, but whenever he is gone, and i do mean whenever, i miss him like i hadnt seen him in months. and to be frank since we started dating, the longest ive gone without him is four days. this is super seriously wicked retarded. only because i feel so clingy, and so dependant, and like if i didnt have him, if he left me, then id just shrivel up and blow away. he is simply everything to me, i guess. i look around and i see my friends, and some of their boyfriends, and how different salvatore treats me. hed never hit me, hed never ditch me, hed never say cold things to me, he loves me. sometimes i look at him and ask myself how hes mine, how hes faithful to me, how he can love me. blah. i love this, in some weird twisted way. i love not knowing, but i do know. i know hes mine, forever.

so sometimes i second guess myself. probably more than im comfortable with. im always going to wonder what if, always. and its always going to kill me so bad. but i made a choice. i made a choice and im happy. but would i have been happier? i dont know why i care so much. ive never truly cared about whether i was happy or not. but i think that hes helping me with that. the happiest ive been in a while was when he walked through that front door and held me. on another note, i might be getting a bunny. i think it will help me a lot, taking care of something, having something to play with and talk to, no matter how stupid that sounds. life is.. okay. whats up with this shit?

cause my friend told me shell setle deep like a pain in the palm of your hand. cant you see that its not all that easy? oh youre so cool i wih i was you. fourth of july was SUCK as usual. although i did get to spend a few hours of it with my boyfriend, which was good. but other than that, it sucked. hard. tomorrow im going to the fucking beach. whether i have to walk or whatever, i am getting to the fucking beach! anyway. i guess other things are okay. someone talk to me. please?

i never wanted to dance. i swear i didnt ask for this, but i know i did. i swear that all ive done here is what i wanted. but how can i know what i want of nobody tells me? because thats the way its been my whole life. someone was always there to tell me what i want, and someone was always there to let me know i was wrong. but not this time. i dont know i dont know i dont know i hate corporate shit. i think this is what i need. everything, right now. i think everything is falling into place. all we need is time.