Family got kicked out of the house by my grandfather & I'm crashing with some friends right now. Fucking hell, I've never been so depressed in my life, but each day is a little better than last week.

I'm a realist through and through, but I'm mired in pessimism and my emotions are ranging from drunken happiness to why don't I jump in the river and see what happens?

I have the feeling I'm going to be here for awhile...

Maybe I've been reading too many books or whatnot but I had this feeling like I was going to die today. I was sitting on a trolley and this wave of fear ran right over me. I couldn't move at all and I felt horrible until I got to my stop. The second I got off I started vomiting (sorry if you felt that was not needed) and my heartbeat started to slow down. I don't know what the fuck that was about but I've never been more scared in my life.

Hey I made it to 1000. Thanks everyone!

Apparently I need another reason to hate Rolling Stone. I love the first two choices being The Beatles and The Beach Boys...but you morons chose the wrong Beatles album. 1. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (REALLY!!) 2. Pet Sounds Why not Abbey Road! Anyways. I was listening to the radio the other day and the morning show was talking about their own personal top 25 albums. I've only come up with 18 so far. 1. Born To Run- Bruce Springsteen 2. Moving Pictures- Rush 3. London Calling- The Clash 4. Wish You Were Here- Pink Floyd 5. Badmotorfinger- Soundgarden 6. Boston- Boston 7. Passion & Warfare- Steve Vai 8. Madman Across the Water- Elton John 9. Piece of Mind- Iron Maiden 10. The Marshall Mathers LP- Eminem 11. Core- Stone Temple Pilots 12. Blow By Blow- Jeff Beck 13. Appetite For Destruction- Guns N' Roses 14. Metal Health- Quiet Riot 15. Surfing With the Alien- Joe Satriani 16. Eye in the Sky- Alan Parsons Project 17. Abbey Road- The Beatles 18. Time Out of Mind- Bob Dylan

So...how's it going?? I'm so damned exhausted it sucks. I've been running around town all day trying to get things sorted out and I finally got a chance to relax. From 7 AM to roughly 1:30 I haven't been able to relax but I got my shit done. I feel like dropping dead right now but I'll probably have something else to do later!! FUCK!!!!

I can hardly sleep anymore. These dreams I've been having re-enforce the fact that I am alone and they seem to be taunting me. If I couldn't dream at night I'd be sleeping so much better than I am now! I've tried everything. Warm milk, alcohol, sleeping pills. Nothing works. I just sit up till morning listening to music and writing. I don't know what anything means or what I'm looking for. Everything that wakes me up has a theme of missed connections; but I'm not looking for closeness. I've tried that before and it doesn't work.

Nice day out but I just don't care for some reason.

I feel like shit. I've had a grand total of three hours of sleep. Just not doing good today. I hate this!!!

Ooh my fingers are starting to turn blue. It's pretty fucking cold out right now. It's 59 out and I've been dealing with 70s and 80s for a few weeks now. I'll let you all in on a secret. I can't sing worth a damn. Sure there's a few songs where I think I can do decently (Thunder Road and Jungleland) but I suck, yet I continue to do it anyways. It's fun though. Not in public of course. Within the confines of my room where I can embarrass myself in private.

I'm listening to the Ryan Adams cover of Wasted Years. Holy shit, how come I've never heard of him before? Because I stopped watching VH1 and MTV years ago or that I don't listen to stations that air "popular" music? Either way it's still amazing to hear one of my favorite Maiden songs performed acoustically.