im rethinking everything. and im sorry if it turns out you get the short straw. i dont want to sound like a hypocrite but i jsut dont know if it feels right anymore

shutyour fucking mouth. i dont want to hear what you have to say about my life. you dont know whats best for me. no one knows whats best for me. if you're trying to "protect" me then stop. i need to make my own mistakes and learn from them. not learn from yours. idek what to say because i thought you supported me. i thought you were on my side. i guess i was wrong. im going to do what i want to do when i want to do it and with whomever i want. and if u dont like that then tough. this is my life. i only have one. ive had shit in my life and im going to live the rest of it however i want regardless of what you or anyone else says. its my life. let me live it

now hes moving too. in about 9 months he wants to be out of westford. he does nto want to buy the house hes renting and thats the only way he can stay. shannon and i think its because i wants to be closer to mindy. that could be. but since the cancer, that has been the ONLY thing left in my life that was normal. that wasnt changing. and now this has to change too. i dont want all this change. i cant deal with it. i just want it to stop. for everything to go back to normal. to a happy family under one roof. to parents who actually talk to each other. but thats never going to happen. and im afraid of change.

so that was an interesting experience. well jsut so u know, i dont just tell you things because i dont want you to be mad when you find out. i tell you because i WANT you to know. i dont like keeping things from you. but i tell you not to get mad or not to freak out first because i dont want to get insulted like last time. i want to warn you. but if you think i dont want to tell you youre wrong. i do. i jsut dont want to have what i tell you, be used to insult me. thats not okay with me.

idk why i let myself get close to people. they always find a way to hurt me. whether it be behind my back or to my face they find a way. im tired of hurting. of being hurt. if you're my friend, be my friend. dont talk shit about me behind my back. i thought we grew out of that middle school behavior. maybe i was wrong

im about to implode. and you just make it worse

fuck.

Scheiße ficken Scheiße ficken Scheiße ficken Scheiße ficken

i just made a huge decision. its not perminant but its big. and i know that you will disagree but this is my choice. this is his choice. no one elses. and i hope u understand that. i dont want you to be disappointed or upset because it is going to happen eventually. and he said he wud understand if i changed my mind which could happen. and im partially hoping it does. this is a big step. and think im ready. i hope im ready.

i told him last night abotu a secret i've kept from everyone for about 3 months. at first he didnt say anything and then he said "i want to help you get through this". thats it. and to be honest, no one can "get me through this". it is what it is. it will be what it will be.adn thats that