Am a little concerned that am beginning to come across the same way as every single other girl on these fucking journals. I'm not, really. I'm not quite that self-absorbed.

Ok, so my latest dilemma: Taryn is holding the "end of year" part next week, after our last exam. However, it is invite only. That really pisses me off.. At home, if we were gonna do that, it'd be totally open, and anyone's allowed in, just don't bring E. Here, it's like exclusion is the aim of the game.

Of course, I didn't get an invite. That's fine by me, because parties here are shit and they still haven't gotten past the stage where if they pick someone up, they can't talk for three weeks afterwards. So that's not what I'm pissy about. I'm pissy about the fact that every single person in our year group has struggled through this school year, and every single one of us made it. So who made it Taryn and her fucking little hierarchy's job to decide who has the right to celebrate the fact that it's over?

I know that I'm nobody here. I'm the left wing, edgy chick that no one really knows or likes. But those who do me, they love me. It shits me that there's so much division at this school. It's so utterly pointless, and stupid. We're all going to get through the next two years together, and it's time they accepted that not everyone can be as rich, pretty or bitchy as they are.

Rant over.

Exam update- 2 down, 6 to go.

English
Maths (Tech free)
Commerce
History
Maths (Tech active)
Music
Science
Science ICAS.

Listening to: "Happy Ending" - Mika

So, today I am 16. I was not looking forward to today, because lately I am in that disgusting adolescent mindset in which things can fall into only two categories: Life, or death. And so, the idea of being 16 scared me, because I'm realising that everyday I am closer to death, and today, it is a whole year.

But, overall, it has not been as abhorrent as anticipated. I woke up at like, 6:30 this morning, with streamers all over me, courtesy of the girls in Rm 50. How I love them.

Birthday messages:

Jake- "Hehe. Sweet sixteen... And definitely been kissed.. By me. X
Maree- "Good morning my beauteous tessa dear, happy 16th birthday! Sex! Driving! Oh yay! I hope this day is perfect for you as you are perfect every day. Miss you, x"
Aunty Blue- "Happy bday u gorgeous girl. Have a fab day. Eat cake luv aunty blue xxx"
Prue (shock)- "Happy birthday tess.. Have a good day."
Sogan (also shock)- "Happy birthday tessa luen mulham.. today you turn 16. I can't believe it's a year since i started being really good friends with all of you girls. one of the best decisions in my life was sleeping in your cabin at howmans gap with you tess. Ihavegonefrom having nothing to finding my everything.. You are one of the very few people in this world that i have an instant weakness to. You could do the worst possible action towards me and i wouldn't feel a thing. I miss you. I don't know why i haven't told you this. But i have found ithard to just send this text. But i'm trying to say that i love you girl. Your one of the nine reasons i wake up every morning with a smile on my face. I don't know what else to say.. But happy birthday.." (Made me cry)
Boy- "Have a good one!"
Mitchell- "Hey my beautiful birthday girl. Just wanted to give u a quick birthday message 2.. Happy birthday!! Hope u have the most amazing day, cos u deserve nothing less. I love you so much!Xoxoxoxoxo"
Filthy Indian- "Happy bday loser!! How old u turning? 16? xo filthy indian =)"
Mad- "HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUBAR! Yay yay.. Love from mad an geoff. Did you open the pacakge?"
Na na- "Happy birthday! Have a great day, i miss you. wish icould see you today , but i'm sure you will have a smashing time with your mates, i love you forever baby x"
Mill- "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TESS!!! Hope you have a great day xox"
Mum- "Hope you have the best of days. You deserve it. Xx mum"
Liz- "Happy birthday babe xx"
Jim- "Hey tess merry birthday you pensioner, hope you have a good one."

So, yeah. Overall, a good birthday.

But regardless of how good they are, they depress me.

Listening to: An oldfart rambling on. 

My accounting teacher lost my final assessment.

Bastarding bastard.

I really, really hate that.

Listening to: "Just Like Heaven" - The Cure

I've been doing an awful lot of self-reflection lately. Way too much. It's too much cos I'm beginning to get scared. I think I'm a good person. But then, according to religious people, like my roommate, you can't officially be a good person unless you believe what they do. And I can't manage that. I don't have that much faith in anything at all.

Graarghh.

Stop thinking. I need to. These thoughts are recurring so much lately. And what's weird is that they're not just late at night when I can't sleep anymore. I'm thinking when I'm wide awake. It's 8.38 in the evening at the moment, and I just had a massive freakout. I don't know who I can talk to about this. I don't know who I can tell. I don't know if my thoughts will make sense to anyone else when I try to translate them into conversation. And I don't know if I want to burden anyone else with the huge weight my thoughts bring.

Listening to: "When The War Is Over" - Something For Kate

I'm a bit worried. There's too much pain being carried by too many people around me, and I don't like it. I worry that they're struggling, and I'm not doing enough to help because I just can't. There is nothing to be done if they won't let me.. But if I keep trying to get in deep, will it help, or just make them resent me for being a pest?

Oh, I don't know. Stop thinking so much, Tessa.

Listening to: "River Below"- Billy Talent

Iwontbeurwinter, no, it's not just you. You're the only journal I've seen published for the last week or so. I'm thinkking it doesn't register if I write one.

Listening to: "Mango Tree" - Angus & Julia Stone 

the concept of a letter arriving via paper aeroplane is so cool.

i wish it were summer again. i'm missing those balmy, nothing type days when the minutes slide by in no particular order, and time falls out of its regular pattern. those lazy, smoky Sunday afternoon kisses that feel like they were personally invented by us. even here, as we slide towards december and summer days creep closer, there is no change. i am as cold now as i have been all year.

the sunshine here is a weak imitation of what i know, and i myself become a weaker imitation of who i am when i am underneath it. i feel as though i can reassemble myself under the heat and confronting power of the Riverina sunshine.

i miss my river.
i miss going floating on the river the morning after the night before.
i miss taking four hours to float two kms.
i miss getting scaldingly burnt, and turning black overnight.
i miss the burrs in my feet, gained from trips around town in bare feet.
i miss them because they seemed constant for so long, but now they are nowhere to be seen.
i miss the river rats, those comrades who make everything lighter.
i miss being able to reminisce about those days.
i miss who i was, and who they were.

but most of all, more than anything else, i miss knowing that they love me. i hate to i think i've lost that love, that care, through a lack of attention on both parties' behalf.

i wish i could go back. and then, i don't. i want more than anything for things to be as they were, with the summer seeming to stretch out in front of us without end. and yet, i wouldn't go back to it, because i know that things can't stay that way forever, and if i had to live it all again, the pain of knowing it would end would be too much for me to bear.

Suffice to say, i'm sorry. and i hope you are too.

Listening to: Nothing.
Reading: "It" by Stephen King

I am finding myself absurd.

I love "It" by Stephen King with every part of me. Is that weird?

Oh, yes. You can tell you're a boarder when all of a sudden you get hellishly sick and can't get out of bed, and are so broke that you can't afford tissues, and are now using a roll of toilet paper.

Ew.

Listening to "Photographs and Memories" - Jim Croce 

YOU!

Why, why, why will you not let me move on? I get so close, and then he calls, or texts, and all of a sudden I am putty in his hands. I live four hours away now, and yet I still cannot let go. Why won't he let me?

Does he give a shit? Or is it guilt? Is it the fact that, as yet, no other girl will have him? Will he fall in love again and stop all this and stir up all the hurt again?
Ergh, fuck the relentless questions. I'm sick of them.

So, today I was on the keys, playing away, bein cool. I was playing "Three Cheers For Five Years" by Mayday (if you don't know it, check it out), and I looked up and this guy Idon't know was standing in the doorway, watching. Me being the cool cat I am, I totally freaked. (That's the second time I've used the word "cool" in this paragraph. Great use of that famed vocab, Tess.) But he was all like, no, it's ok, I'm just listening. So I kept going. And when I finished, he was still there, just smiling and applauding me. So, I bowed.. And he waved, and he was gone. I have no idea who he was, or why he was at my school, but God! I wish I did.

Woot woot, I'm bored. I have the second series of Gossip Girl on the lappy, but I don't really feel like letting my brain cells rot tonight. I think I'll go find a guitar that no one's using. Mine still at home, frustrating.

Toodles.

Listening to - "Dirt Road Blues" Bob Dylan

I sleep dreamlessly, but I wake up tired.
I despise being judged, and yet I constantly judge.
I open my eyes, but still I can't - or won't - see.
I wish I could miss who I should, but I refuse to show such a weakness.
I want to tell my heart that it's not allowedto do this to me.
I tell myself I am in control, even while I teeter on the edge.
I try to act like myself, all the while covering myself in disguises so no one will ever know.
I wish away the days, weeks, months, and then get scared about running out of time.