It's official, and I am incredibly excited about it. I'm seeing Joshua Radin in March! With Kim and Xavi, hopefuly. Man, it'll be fantastic. So, now I have a Year-iversay, the ski trip AND Radinfest to look forward to in the next 5 months (: Crimbo was goooood. I got a bottle of CKIN2U (perfume) which I completely didn't think I would get, and a hairdryer. They sound lame but to me, those are two very useful presents. Xavi got me a ukulele! A cute little orangey one that I can now play 'I wanna grow old with you' on. I luuuurve him. It was a gift inspired by my slight obsession with the YouTube artist Julia Nunes, who plays a ukulele and makes it look a lot of fun. It's Ruth's new year's party on Wednesday...Well, on New Year's Eve. Duh. I bought a dress for it today - an LBD (Little Black Dress) that would be boring if it wasn't for the gold detail on it. £18 from TKMAXX in the sales, I wasn't expecting to find anything I like in there. I went with Heather, which was pretty random as I barely know her, but it was cool as she is equally as unladylike as me & it was funn. This is such a boring entry.

Been up all night staring at you, wondering what's on your mind. I've been this way with so many before, but this feels like the first time. You want the sunrise to go back to bed...I want to make you laugh. Mess up my bed with me. Kick off the covers, I'm waiting. Every word you say, I think I should write down - don't want to forget come daylight. Happy to lay here, just happy to be here, I'm happy to know you. Play me a song, your newest one. Please leave your taste on my tongue. Paperweight on my back, cover me like a blanket. Mess up my bed with me. Kick off the covers, I'm waiting. Every word you say, I think I should write down - don't want to forget come daylight. And no need to worry, that's wasting time. And no need to wonder what's been on my mind...it's you. It's you, it's you. And I give up - I let you win. You win 'cause I'm not counting. You made it back to sleep again...wonder what you're dreaming.

Okay, so I just typed up near enough a full page of scribbling from my hysterics last night and then decided I'd rather it wasn't published on the internet. All I want to write is: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. Listen, you don't need to make anything up to me. I've just been worried that you were going to break up with me. And, being emotionally fucked, I kept it all bottled up. I'm so sorry, I love you and I hope I haven't messed everything up. I'm sorry for being a twat. Please tell me that we're fine, and that you've stopped crying and not being able to sleep. Let's just pretend I never said anything, because it's so meaningless really compared to how much I love you."

Thanks for being a dick and fucking up my evening. Evidently I thought the last 2 days went better than they actually did.

This weekend's been good. We babysat Xavi's litte brother, Joss, and hung out with Tom & Sam at the same time. I fell asleep on his sofa and he kissed me awake. We played Super Mario in bed. He sang 'Winter' to me and I came scarily close to crying. I'm seeing him before Christmas, he's got to come over and see our massive tree (: This is a shitty entry, I think I'm getting worse at writing. Shiiiit. Or maybe it's because it's Sunday and I wat to go back to bed.

Final mock result marks! Chemistry: B Physics: A (+2 marks = A*) Biology: A English language: A (+1 mark = A*) English lit: B (+2 = A) Maths: B German: A Geography: C Art: C D.T: B R.E: B So, no A*s. Which is kinda a big thing at my school, but I don't give a shit. I was so close to an A* in physics and it was my worst science in year 10! Plus I'm kinda annoyed about my English marks, it would've been awesome to get an A* and an A when most people got both B's. But oh well, I'm just being petulant here. I need to buy my mum a Christmas present but apart from that I'm done with shopping. (: I bought Xavi a Soul Cal wallet (his current one is in a terrible condition) and 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower' by Stephen Chbosky, because I don't think he reads enough. Last day of term tomorrow, PLUS it's a half day. It's the Sixth Form Review in the morning, woot. SFR is a show put on by the upper and lower sixth form (Juniors and Seniors, American people) which is based almost entirely on taking the piss out of all of the other years and teachers, and it's insanely funny. Last year my maths teacher received a spontaneous lap dance on stage, and two guys did a perfect rendition of 'Business Time' off Flight of the Conchords. And then at half two, it's Twilight time!! It comes out tomorrow in England, and I've actually managed to control myself enough not to watch it on the internet (: I get to see Xavi tomorrow, too, and he's been of school since Tuesday because of his operation. Lunch with Gav'll be fun as well (: Man I'm in an optimistic mood.

"Because you're brilliant. You make me smile effortlessly. You keep me sane. Bring me back when I'm insane. Thoughts of you keep me warm."

Fuck, it's been an eventful weekend. I'll start from the beginning. Friday night: Xavi came over. My parents were out until 2am so we made burgers and watched Superhero Movie and lay in bed. I won't go into details there because there aren't any details to go into - he wasn't interested in anything below the belt. I didn't ask why...Maybe I should've. At the time I was just so blissfully happy to be with him that it didn't matter. I woke him up on Saturday morning and fuck, he looked so goddamn cute with his ruffled up hair and boring boxers. Saturday night: I went to Max's house. A load of people went, not including Xavi as he wasn't allowed after being at my house (his parents are weird about him being out two nights in a row). Max has a cat. I'm allergic to cats. The whole night my lungs were seized up and I couldn't breathe properley. Annie got really drunk, started crying and told me she thinks she's good for nothing and that she cheated on Bill in the summer. I promised not to tell a soul, we went back into Max's house and she proceeded to throw up in his bathroom all night with Billy holding her hair back. I started crying to Emma for the second time that day and I cannnot describe how much I wished Xavi was there. Sunday: At 10 last night we got a phone call telling us my Grandma was really ill. Mum and Dad rushed out to the Royal United Hospital in Bath and it turns out she'd had a massive heart attack. If Antonio (my Uncle) hadn't called the ambulance as soon as they saw her, there's a good chance she wouldn't be here right now. Thankfully, although she has an extremely sore chest and bruised ribs from the resuscitation, I think she's survived it. I guess some days we're winners, others we aren't. Hopefully this week will be happier.

WAYY better mood today. No more exams! For a whole month! Big, fat, sarcastic yay. Still, at least it's the end of mocks. I get a half hour lie in tomorrow morning, I'm going to see a hypnotherapist about my trich. It's got so bad over the past week, because of the exams. I missss himmmm. Still, I saw him Monday and Tuesday for a bit after school which is very rare. I felt like making an extra effort just for a quick 'hello' and a goodbye kiss, because I honestly appreciate any time I have with him. Go and listen to Salty Eyes by the Matches. It never gets old...'The rests between notes and the never reach throats, "friends" in quotes that are calling.'

I'm not in the mood to journal at all. I don't know why. I'm going to do it anyway, even though it won't help. Xavi and I made up before we even went home this evening, so why do I still feel like I'm on the verge of tears? I know I always blame things like this on hormones, but I'm honestly pretty sure they're definitely the cause of tonight's horrible sadness. I want to have Christmas. I don't want to have to think about school and boyfriends and boyfriends with other girls and buying presents and exams and having basically no eyelashes left. That list sounded horrendously petty but I really don't care - our problems are relative, and those are mine this evening. I saw Kim on Sunday, and again last night with Fiona to go late night shopping. It wasn't as fun as I'd hoped. I tried a cigarette again today, off of Julian. It'll never become attractive, and my throat tasted & felt like a barbecue afterwards. English Language went well today. Physics, German writing and German listening tomorrow, and I have revised for 0. I got a C in my art mock and, apparently, she was 'being generous'. May as well have given me a D. My train was delayed for 20 minutes today. And this list of negative little annoyances could go on for hours, but it's 9p.m and I just want to kill another hour doing nothing until I have a valid excuse to go to bed and forget about my mind for 8 hours.