GUESS WHAT ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW :D im well excited! lol. so hows my week been? ummm.. brief overview: friday: This Is My Ship EP release! did some hardcore moshing down the Platform, learnt i can slam-dance, nearly sprained all down the back of my neck from headbanging, haha. slept at Adam's. saturday: basically spent most of the day mooching round Adam's in my underwear. all good fun. sunday: saw my family for the first time in nearly two days.. they asked who i was.. lol. umm there was some shit about a memory stick that day.. basically i found something, got real jealous, and.. yeah. i do horrible, ruthless things when im jealous. but it only proved my own feelings to myself, so i guess it was worth it. it was raining. it always rains. monday: made up over ice cream and macaroni cheese :D it was really nice. tuesday: kicked major ass in sparring. its easy when your small - go up against some hench 6-foot bloke, and its pissin' easy to dodge their blows and jab under their guard. wednesday: BOOSHATHON BOOSHATHON BOOSHATHON! id forgotten how much i love Jamie and Baize. i really miss hanging out with them like i used to. we ate all the food in the house. it was amazing. we need to get big white bunny suits and run around Oxford raping people! thursday: had to tell Adam about the angels. fucked it up a bit. suppose i'll have to tell this journal about them at some point. hmm. Adam fed me egg fried rice :D :D bringing us to TODAYY. im tidying my room :D at least im meant to be.. got a bit distracted. lol. guess i should go do that now. aha.. tomorrowww :D :D me Ems and Adam are going into Oxford. my favourite place and my favourite people. i cant wait. (:

and because we can never escape the paranoia no matter what we tell ourselves we search through the past and find what we expect and find what we don't want to see i've never feared the future, and it's not the present i'm avoiding it's the past i've always been running, screaming, from and im terrified i'm just another her. and at the same time immensely glad i've finally found something that proves my feelings to myself.. i wish i had the right to delete the past.

23rd entry on the 23rd :D TWO MONTHS TODAYYYY and the This Is My Ship EP release gig toniiight!! happy. imported/downloaded a shitload of albums earlier, and now i have achieved 1000 SONGS ON CHESTER :D Two of those being Dust by Royworld. I SWEAR THAT SONG GETS BETTER EVERY TIME I HEAR IT. "You and i will never die, so dont think about all the space in between us. Get that rubbish off your mind, and how many times can i tell you i love you? Singing, you never believed in yourself, you're living a life upon a shelf, but now the city's burning...." Those lyrics remind me of Adam, Laura and Geo.. only like the three people i love most in this world, its all good :) aaaaah its amazing! everyone. go look up Royworld on iTunes and download Dust and the acoustic version. YOU WILL ACHIEVE ORGASM, I GUARANTEE. ok listening to it for like the fifth time in a row and the lyrics just made me nearly cry. ITS THAT GOOD. i'm trying to give up crying. seriously, i never used to. well, not in public anyway. before these past couple of months, i had only cried in public once in the past year. i dont know whats happened! i think getting with Adam just set all my emotions into overdrive.. haha. aahh... Half Light. i love Athlete. "and all that ive seen means nothing to me without you..." yeah enough sappy lyrics Laura! yeah ok so whats new with the Mighty Ginge? i have some fatty cuts over my knuckles, down my elbow and up my leg they're healing over now, but they looked fucking awesome! i got them trashing the abandoned house; i put my fist and my leg straight through a wall, was the best. Whippy thinks there was asbestos there and now we're both gonna die of cancer. oo er. oh yeah; about the last entry; Chris is perfectly fine, he just crashed round someone's house without telling anyone. cant blame him really. Ems sent an offline apology to Danii. hopefully its sorted. if its not I CANT BE FUCKED WITH THEM ANY MORE. but i will officially take Ems' side instead of not getting involved 'cause then it would mean Ems was trying to be the mature one and Danii just wanted to keep fighting 'cause it seems she cant go a day without hating someone. arghhh Now.. time for French homework! :D sucks like a bitch. i love today.

scared. Chris went missing last night. We all know Harry was after him yesterday.. and Harry had his psycho friend Max with him. i have some image of this big showdown at the abandoned house in the middle of the night. =/ But Adam says he and Gary went looking for him last night and couldnt find him.. Nige sent me a voicemail as soon as he went missing, but my stupid blonde of a mother turned my phone off when i was asleep 'cause she didnt want it going off in the night. The whole point of keeping my phone on at night is so i wake up as soon as i get important messages like this! One of my friends is in danger! i needed to have heard that message! i dont know what i couldve done but.. i dunno, knowing about it sooner would have made me feel better. i couldve gone out and helped to look. well from what i can gather no ones heard anything this morning, so maybe he's made it home alright. or maybe no news is bad news. =/ arghh i hope he's ok..

ARGH 'richard' is back. do not ask. i have no idea who this richard character is. he added me on msn last night, said i was fit, and said we should meet. AGHHH NO GO AWAY and no i wont block him because when i am not being terrified by him, i am finding him absolutely hilarious. he went offline. im scared. )= aaand Danii's talking to me now. apparently i dont really like her anymore. ARGHHHH yeah i still like you. we're mates. yeah? just please. drop the 'i hate Emily' shit. i wont talk to you any more 'cause all you do is slag off my best mate. surely there's more important shit to worry about? i mean seriously.. youve got obssessed with this. lighten up. you take everything to heart. you say you dont give a shit and you forget about it but.. you dont. maybe.. maybe your as insecure as her..? and i know ive laughed at her calling you immature before, but.. this time, it has gotten childish. thats why i wont talk to either of you if you bring it up. i dont want to be involved. its not even a real fucking argument. can you both get some spine? please? or im gonna lose a friend for somethng no one did.. i told her i still liked her, just didnt hang around with her as much, and she stopped talking. =/ fine then. EMS IS ONLINE :D im sorry Danii.. im never gonna hate you, but after youve dragged it out like this, im gonna have to side with my best friend. cause im sick of playing to your tune, and i cant be a mirror of you. ahh Liam's easy to talk to. just go 'awww' and 'no you dont sound stupid' when he goes on and on and on about Becca. its sweet.. annoying, but very sweet. oh and now Ems is on about 'i wasnt emphasising 'fat' when i said 'fat bitch''... NO! you threw an insult! it doesnt matter what you meant! cant you practise what you preach and have some maturity? arghhhh. i love them both but this is getting stupid. AND I DONT WANT TO HEAR ANYMORE ABOUT IT, IM GOING TO GO EAT NOW. THANKYOU BYE.

Good Christ it's wednesday already. i havent woken up from the weekend yet!! oh no.. wednesday means my RS GCSE. D: i tried to revise but i know everything in my revision booklet already so i got bored. =/ wish me luck.. and yeah i got up at half 4 AGAIN. i dont know why 'cause i didnt have any coursework/revision to do... its kind of like a habit now. but it means i am constantly knackered. =/ i had time to straighten all my hair tho :D i always straighten the front bits and EVERYONE has been telling me how amazing it looks, but now a few people have suggested straigtening all of it and well, its not like the Almighty Ginger to disappoint her public :P UGH I AM SO TIRED oh yeah! you know what?? I'VE LOST WEIGHT!! not even kidding! im thinking that by next weekend, i'll have dropped half a stone from my original weight - halfway to my target weight at the start of the year :D:D and that only happened in the course of a week! it's 'cause i've stopped eating.. to do with the heat or something. basically i eat a yoghurt my breakfast, nothing all through the day, and about half of my dinner. 'cause in the day, even if im hungry, i really cant face food, and when i do eat, i get full waaay quickly. its actually the best :D so you'd think going on this much sleep/food would weaken me, but i actually did AMAZING in tae kwon do yesterday. not as in i put everyone to the floor (we werent sparring anyway), as in i pushed myself and didnt give up. and its sooo much more satisfying that way :D soo yeah. i have conquered hunger and nearly conquered sleep. i will soon acheive super-human. although Mum has starting worrying 'cause i'm not sleeping/eating properly. shh woman go away. im fine. aaaanyway. last weekend was that crazy little thing called 'the BEST'. it started from the moment i left school friday afternoon, 'cause Adam had skipped work and was there waiting for me. :D we ended up back at my house with a Harry in tow. Harry and Adam nicked a glass from the local pub and left it on a wall down my road, it was quite epic. it stayed there for a good day or two before it disappeared. O: yeah then us three were just sat in my room for aaages. Harry should direct porn hahaha. whilst playing Pokemon. i felt like such a pimp. we all went out that evening. it was AMAZING, there was a thunderstorm!! omgomg. some of the pussies went home 'cause they were scared of the thundering, but i was running around the Leys all hyper and like YEY. seriously i LOOOOVE thunderstorms. aaahh they're just amazing omg. if we had a summer full of thunderstorms, omg, that would be the BEST. i expect everyone else would hate it tho D: oh! oh! cross 'make out in a thunderstorm' off the things to do before i die list :D yaaay and then i went to Sainsbury's to take a piss, and i was rocking out to Atreyu in the ladies', when who should walk in, but one of the most stuck up preps in my year... with shit all down her leg. i mean, come on, that is up there on the Greatest Moments Of My Life list. she was nice to me tho! she said hi and said my hair looked 'stylish'. thats all people i vaguely know want to tell me these days. yes, i know my hair is amazing, move along. :D umm yes. and i ran all the way to my house from the Leys and back 'cause i needed to get something. HOW IS THAT FOR STAMINA. oh and it was friday when i met Andrei for the first time outside the Academy. O: O: he ended up hanging out with us the whole weekend! haha. he also became our free taxi service. i've no idea how he put up with us, eheh. we got him to crash Tiff's party with us on saturday, wahey. well. we weren't crashing 'cause we actually had invites, but Andrei didnt so yeah lol. it was quite an amazing party tbh. Dec had a panic attack so its all good. you can tell how good a party is by if someone had a panic attack or not. if no one does, then it's really not hardcore enough. and yes, it was me at the last party xD; BUT I STAYED SOBER THIS TIME!! so no more fitting on the floor screaming 'LAY MEEE' in a high-pitched voice for Ginge. (i still wish i could remember that, how funny it must've been!) buuut it was really fun! someone (Mike i think) came and gave me a condom xD Adam ended up with two XD and one was BANANA FLAVOUR OMG ...im sorry that makes me giggle XD XD cough. have some maturity. yeah. NO we didnt use them. tho a hench-ass amount of sexual acts seemed to have been performed that night. to my restricted knowledge (meaning that this was about half as much of what actually happened) there were two handjobs, three blowjobs and a LOT of fucking... some dirty fuckers even got laid in the back alley. i mean that is fucking hardcore xD ...back alley. add back alley to the list. No wait! Three handjobs. i just remembered the living room floor. pfffff who's keeping count anyway. hmmm what happened on Sunday.. well i woke up on the living room floor in Tiff's house with Weetos all over me, it was a good start to the day. skipped off back to Adam's house.. i think we spent the afternoon at the astro for Nige's party. it wasn't a real party.. just some guys down the astro playing football. i spent the whole of lower school forging notes to get out of hanging around the astro playing football! D: Chris got the right idea and went to sleep. Andrei felt a little guilty about turning up at a party where no one knew him, and went and joined in with the guys. i stayed inside with Chris, Kirsty, Whippy and Chester, my trusty iPod who kept me entertained. pffff. some party. yeah sunday was a downer. BUT TODAY WILL BE THE BEST :D 'cause its wednesdayyy, and wednesdays mean i can go out! woop woop! although i miss my best lesson for the RS exam ): oh well. Adam's meeting me after school yaaaay :D and this exam will be a piece of piss. wish me luck anyway! :D

IIIIT'S FRIDAY i got up at 4:30 AGAIN this morning to do various homework, but tbh i dont think i can be bothered with any of it :D ohhh and. woke up this morning to find i'll be creaming in crimson for the weekend. ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): (im aware thats disgusting) AND ITS THE PARTY TOMORROW AS WELL ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): im really bummed now. theres a Peppermint Vandals gig on somewhere-ish tonight but i dont think i'll go.. 'cause of the aforementioned and i need to catch up on sleep... ive been getting about 4-5 hours sleep every night, as opposed to my usual 6-7. ): becase of fucking coursework. ah well it can die. reading texts Adam sent me last niiiight. he said i looked great yesterday even tho i was in uniform, haha what a dick. bless him. OMG IT WAS SO FUNNY we were outside maccy ds and Chris and Lee grabbed my legs and tried to pull them apart yknow for a laugh (i was screaming lol) and Kirsty suddenly goes "THE PARTING OF THE RED SEEAAA" (which is very odd 'cause Kirsty is the quiet one who doesnt make obscene jokes normalement) then Adam turns up and Ems goes "hey Moses", OMG I THINK I PEED MYSELF WITH LAUGHTER. all good fuuun. i checked out my BMI on some calculator thing i Googled. noooot pretty. it says 'healthy weight' but its dangerously close to overweight. well. 'at risk of overweight'. NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. URGENTLY. my target weight at the start of the year was a stone under what i am now, im still not any closer :( maybe i am destined to be a fat kid forever. oh well. fat is fun :D umm yeah its nearly summerrrr :D oh and. Ems and Danii have had a massive bust-up. tbh im with Ems on this one, but i value my life so i'm not gonna say anything against Danii. =/ theres a lot i could say but im not gonna run off and bitch to my journal. thats just pussio blad, as Benni might say. tiredness just went like all through me. :( i dont think i'll get to the end of the day. oh well. sleeping can wait. better do this homework.

um. he's asking whats wrong now. he's worried. evidently doesnt realise... i like how they can all make these off-hand comments and move on like they dont know how much i care about things like this like they dont realise it stays with me, and im terrified of what wouldve happened if they'd just had a little. more. nerve.. is it really just.. not that important? hes got it out of me that i hate hearing about.. that.. but he hasnt worked out that its about whats in the past, too... and when i said seven. thats probably more. a LOT more. 'cause of the new crowd.. and knowing the new crowd. =/ i expect they're all proud of it. i used to wish i had.. just to say i was like them.. isnt that sick? isnt that glamourous? =/ not really..

well it hurt me every time i heard it, and the sixth is no better. i keep writing and deleting 'cause i dont know how to phrase this. im just glad that this time, i can be the reason it doesnt happen again.. and thats why it hurt all the other times. even tho the first one, the one that hurt me most, he just was attention-seeking and bullshitting like the cunt he was. ...in light of recent events, i think that makes it seven, not six... oh well. enough. too many.

5am on the bathroom floor From the night before Do you find me dreadful? Tiff's party on Sautrday. basically MASSIVE PISS UP. and i haven't got mashed in a while, and i sure need to. only. i kind of.. promised Adam i wouldn't get drunk? D: D: DDDDDDDDD: he doesnt see the point in doing stupid things and not remembering the morning after.. and i do. =/ i just think its amazing... getting absolutely hammered, getting with a load of people you dont know, having an absolute fucking laugh with your mates, dancing 'til you drop, sleeping where you fall, and coming round on the bathroom floor.. and even better if you got it all on camera. i dont know.. its part of that horrible, glamourous lifestyle i was on about earlier. =/ last time i started to think people only liked me when i was drunk so i got mashed. only i upset my friends when i told them i wouldnt sober up 'cause they wouldnt like me anymore... so maybe its a bad plan. and being drunk was the only time in which i could get with people. true fact. so i did. and if i get drunk Adam won't do anything with me... its so sweet of him. he said he doesnt want to take advantage of me. even tho he wouldnt be. 'cause id want him to anyway. if you see what i mean. but yeah if im drunk i get nothing. and if im drunk i know im gonna be trying to get in his pants all night. or even worse, someone elses. but hopefully i wont go that far this time. in fact, i could film everything if i stayed sober. and that would be damn funny. but still, it's usually me thats being filmed.. and its gonna be hard to give up the spotlight. =/ im in two minds. i'll have worked it out by saturday. and a promise is a promise.