i am an absolute failure in everything i do. i have nicked Adam's laptop to write this, he's probably reading over my shoulder wondering wtf im doing, i dont care tbh im venting. go home. all of you. fuck off home. had a fucking pisser of a day. got afterschools on the same day from art and IT 'cause i couldnt be fucking arsed to do my coursework cause im a useless piece of shit. and walking home? i couldnt even block a fucking haymaker off a fucking sket. thats not much to you. thats eight months of training and all my dignity FUCKING GONE, WASTED, WHATTHEFUCKEVER. whats the point. whats the fucking point. i have been taking fucking comments about my fucking hair all my fucking life. im fucking embarrassed even fucking typing that! WHO THE FUCK GIVES A SHIT ABOUT HAIR COLOUR I MEAN WTF every. fucking. day. of my whole. fucking. life. it was just one more day, one more comment, but nooooo. i am fucking SICK of fucking TAKING IT. so i didnt. and what did i get? a fucking pussy of a fucking fist to the fucking jaw. haha snooker. a fucking white belt could've blocked that. thats actually fucking true. Adam said it didnt matter. your probably reading this like, yeah, why the fuck does it matter to you? 'cause i suck like that. all the adrenaline and anger is wearing off now and now i just feel pathetic. =/ gutted to be me. oh wait! i am. then i burst into fucking tears didnt i. that is the one moral i live by: NO ONE under ANY circumstances ever sees me cry. ive only let one person apart from Mum and Spo see me cry. ive cried in front of other people, but with my hands clamped to my face. and thats it. but today the whole of fucking Witney and their dog saw. fuck-ing great. im better now. rant over.

i've started shaking. and its not stopping either. i want to go get another jacket but everytime i move my head screams at me. ok wheres the Calpol?

off school. this is the first time i've been off all year for being actually ill. i never get ill. Danii's off too.. we're reminiscing over msn about the last time we bunked, and Mr Stewart saw us and SMILED AND WAVED XD we were just sat there in the middle of town, out of uniform, with Danii and Ash wanking my arms XD then he walks past, waves, and doesnt even do anything xD it was the absolute best. lol Michael (prick in my form) was bullshitting about it on monday. apparently he overheard our year head making a phonecall and saying mine and Ash's names, but that must have been bs. why? 'cause when Michael saw us, only me and Ash were there, but when Mr S saw us, Danii was there too, so they'd have said her name as well. He was bullshitting about seeing and reporting us the first time i bunked, too.. but that was with Ben and Nige. ah, old times. good times. ...Nige's sofa. EWW. BAD TIMES. Mum spoon-fed me Calpol C: i feel kind of better now. she actually made me stay at home. i was all set to go into school, but she was all 'LAURA YOURE UNWELL. GO BACK TO BED.' but that means i cant go out tonight, and its mine and Adam's onemonthiversary ): ): ): that actually really upset me.. i starting crying LOL. tho that was also 'cause of the pain in my head and back and shoulders. and crying made my headache worse. crying always gives me a headache, is that just me being retarded or do other people get that? she fed me toast too. i'd forgotten what Mum's toast tastes like. its kind of soggy.. but its nice, it reminds me of being a little kid. tho what i really need is Whippy's mum's toast. that worked the last time my head was pounding like this.. tho admittedly that was a hangover. however i will always like my own toast best. Dad's is too crispy. and i dont think anyone else has ever made me toast. i suppose i could use this day off to do some coursework or something. or just train all my Pokemon up. hmm, decisions. i have aaalll day.. i dont have tae kwon-do wednesday nights. im probably gonna get very bored. OH. i could use this to my advantage.. we're all bunking tomorrow, yeah? well if my mum's already phoned in today to say im ill, whos to say im not still ill tomorrow? ahaaa tho i need to find out from the kids what we're actually doing tomorrow. its all good. just texted Adam telling him to go online. he doesnt have to leave for work for like.. two hours. or maybe he's still asleep. this is a very boring entry. sorry to all you reading this. tomorrow is set to be funny, come back then and i'll have a more entertaining entry for you.

right so i wrote a fuck-ass massive entry on how much i hate myself, but then took a quick toilet break, composed myself and realised i should be writing happier things. after all, after all i said to Liam in drama, i really should be following my own example! Liam's been pretty down lately, and i'm his unofficial consellour in the drama class we take together. i came up with a plan to make his life awesome: 1. GET LIAM A DECENT GIRLFRIEND. 2. GET LIAM MORE FRIENDS. 3. BIG UP LIAM'S SELF-ESTEEM. 4. KILL BAIZE THE DICKFUCK. apparently that last ones to do with affairs of the canteen wemo crowd, but i dont really get them. i got Liam to draw me a diagram but Baize came and pissed all over it (not literally) so yeah. Baize and Liam have fucked things over i think.. but i cant be arsed with them right now. 'cause right now i feel awful :( my head is pounding like a bitch.. i walked home for like 40 minutes in the heat and i got the mother of all headaches. and im pissed off with various things.. usually tae kwon-do eases me out of being pissed off, but i aint there tonight 'cause of this headache.. i miss it :( music also helps me when im down, but i cant play anything too loud.. so i settled for Athlete. i feel like Calpol. yeah i still take Calpol, what of it? :P pills make me gag and gagging makes me panic and panicking makes me choke and choking makes me die so pills kill me so i cant take them :) i think you can get like, liquid pills or something.. but Calpol is much more fun. can you get liquid pills? is that something stupid like spray-on condoms that doesnt actually exist but people wind you up with? Lol Channy Ash and Danii wound Kati up by telling her Adam was my brother... she was all "OMG DISGUSTING" apparently xD fun times. im out tomorrow. its our 1 month anniversary! 23rd April (: we're... celebrating ;) and then on Thurday we're all bunking.. the teachers are on strike, but only yrs 8 + 9 are allowed the day off so us upper school kids are striking too :D even Baize said he was bunking, and he's a pussy about bunking i cant BELIEVE we got away with it last time, after OUR KEY STAGE CO-ORDINATOR WAVED AT US, FOR FUCK SAKE XD we're just too 1337.. this time everyone is tho so is all good. hopefully im better for then. if i still feel like shit tomorrow i will ACTUALLY turn to homocide. and then Friday Dans coming back down, i just heard off Danii, yaaay.. then Sunday is Spo's birthday! :O shiiit ive got to get her something i have no money. so i will scab off mum. I NEED A JOB DAMMIT. im actually on here to do my IT coursework, but easylink wont work so i cant. and i can get a parent to sign for that. so haaa Mr Hale.. looks like i'll be serving a load of lunchtimes with him tho. D: Danii's on at me about pot noodles. i love that girl.

i have so much homework/coursework that i should have been doing over the holidays.. now ive just got today to do it. and i. cant. im sorry. i can usually pull procrastination off.. but i cant today. why did i leave it all? why didnt i do it? why the fuck do i put myself through this? i seriously feel so down right now. i miss Adam. whenever he gets out of work im gonna text him and get him to come down here. even if he is scared to come down here after my stupid prick of a stupid dad was a stupid asshole and did something stupid. stupid. guess i'd better make today count. im playing GFB really loud in an attempt to piss my stupid parents off.. i hate being in their company for more than about half an hour. i dont normally have to. it would be fine if they werent here. they made me turn Trivium off. Spo didnt even like it. haha, she thought it was screamo. uh, no. never let a metal fan hear you say that, Spo dear.. your too young to die. and too young to get the music scene, apparently.

i'm playing Trivium. so my dad was like "whos this? why do they sound like they're dying?" so i put Glamour For Better on half a song in and he says "..can we go back to the dying people?" OWNED MY MUSIC TASTE > PARENTS Adam's read this. I KNOW SHOCK HORROR i was actually gonna let him read it eventually.. but mehh he has now and he's gonna check it for updates LOL HAI ADAM there's something you should all do today and that is BASK IN THE GLORY OF MY HAIR. seriously its amazing. i re-cut it.. i did my fringe again then added a new short-ass layer, it looks amazing. what you do is you tie the bottom two layers up in a ponytail and leave them curly then straighten the top short-ass layer and the fringe and FUCK IT JUST PISSES ALL OVER YOUR LESSER HAIRSTYLES. the fact that its MASSIVE and GINGER also just completes the image. and my amazing dress sense. pfnehh snarrk. ^lol thats the sound of me snorting at my dress sense now that we're edging back into summer and i'm happy again my dress sense is slowly slipping back into crazy-ass wtf, or "you dress like a Chinese prostitute on E" as Ben once put it. lol Ben. i just had to be in his company yesterday and he pissed me off xD seriously mate you'd be alright if you just shut the fuck up oh and your team on Sapphire is nooby. my POKEY-MAAANS would piss all over yours. oh yeah and i have new shoes (: (: these grey + white striped Converse, OMG they're amazing i creamed twice we went to Oxford, me mum + Spo (lol Mum pissed me off it was funny) and Office pissed me off 'cause none of the Converse i wanted were in my size so i just took some 7s and they're fine. so stfu noob. i've been needing new shoes for aaaages 'cause i was going round in my tramp shoes, and they were AMAZING, literally i could fit half of my foot through the hole in the front, but Mum insisted i get new ones. so i took advantage and got her to buy me some Converse like i'd wanted for ages. i win. oh and you know when you take the piss out of your mates and ask "spit or swallow" or whatnot? WHY IS THAT EVEN A QUESTION? WHO THE FUCK SWALLOWS? WHAT SICK BASTARD IS THAT?? i mean that is seriously some disgusting shit. i legged it to the bathroom in approx. 0.24 seconds and spewed it all out and i still felt sick as one sick fucking bitch. tho that might have been the cheap-ass Sainsbury's brand diet orange mango and peach drink that had gone flat that i downed straight afterwards to take the taste away. (see what i mean about me finding stuff funny and you finding it disgutsing? im awful, arent i?) anyway this is inappropriate so moving on on Pokemon Sapphire again. woop woop. i need to have some MEGA-AWESOME POKEY-MAAANS so i can put them on Diamond when i get it. lol arent i cool. i wish my Shroomish would hurry up and evolve. lol my hair's amazing

ROYWORLD - DUST. BEST SONG OF THE MOMENT. and how many times can i tell you i love you...? it aint released for aaages ): but i'll actually PAY for it on iTunes soon as it is. thats how amazing it is. i heard it on the radio and i thought it was Athlete at first.. you all know how much i love Athlete, right? well you don't, but i do, so now you know. it sounded like Athlete.. but like. better. i know if thats even actually possible. so i looked it up.. and its new! a new song. un-released. this is amazing. they only have one song on iTunes, Man In The Machine or something, and thats amazing too. its amazing, no ones heard of them yet :D i love finding bands first. if they get 'in', i wont even care, i'll wait for all the preps to forget them then i'll still love them.. if your gonna be a fan, be a real fan. (Y) anyway. you know what i've eaten today? -Toffee Crisp (

chicken soup and asparagus pie IS as disgusting as it sounds! :D -gets rid- Nah, that wasn't the newsflash. it's this: GEO NEVER REPLACED ME WITH SPO. listen: (or just read: ) And I Find it Kinda Funny, I Find it Kinda Sad. The Dreams In Which I'm Dying Are The Best I've Ever Had. says: Oh well. And I Find it Kinda Funny, I Find it Kinda Sad. The Dreams In Which I'm Dying Are The Best I've Ever Had. says: I still have you guys. =) LAURA.owned!!

Missing's on my lap (: i do love him. i strummed out Northern Downpour for Spo it's playing now (: today was a GOOD day. me + Adam finished what we started Sunday night.. Ducklington car park after dark. CLASSY but tbh it was awesome. (i was in Burford all day, that kind of boredom makes you kinky.. tho actually it was really cool 'cause me and Ems were in this park on some 2-dimensional roundabout talking to crows high on toffee bonbons v sign-ing the clouds laughing to the absolute extreme.. TRIPPY but DAMN FUN) so we spent all yesterday trying to finish up.. but it went wrong. i had to leave, like always, for tae kwon-do ( for once i actually did myself proud, Mr Croiter took the warm-up and that means INTENSE PHYSICAL EXERTION but i did it all C: ) and it was all gravy UNTIL OUR RETURN.. Mum stopped at Sainsbury's to top up her phone or something similar and she came back and got in the car and waited for this guy to go past BUT THE FUCKING ASSHOLE OF A BASTARD RAN OVER A DUCK and if any of you dare laugh... it was horrible. to the extreme. its neck hadnt snapped properly so it wasnt dead, its head was just twisted the wrong way and it was flapping around helplessly and there was blood pouring from its head and its little mate was just watching and i just watched and i ran to try and save it but i saw it completely and i couldnt move, i screamed, i felt sick to the stomach it was awful.. Mum put it in a bush. i saw some chavs from my year looking a bit 'lol wtf' i wonder if they recognised me, i wonder if they were laughing at that weirdo ginger kid on our year in some martial arts uniform crying over a duck? Spo cried too. we got home and Mum let me back out i just felt sick Adam looked after me i thought i was gonna be sick, and i was terrified.. they all know if i see someone throw up, i have a panic attack (lol Coleman's party) .. but if i throw up myself.. i've no idea what i'd do.. i've always stopped myself before.. i think i'd die. i said i'd die. it couldnt physically kill me, but the fear.. would be unbearable.. Adam got cold so i walked him home. Tiff and Chris came with us. i love those two. their 'our song' is Nine In The Afternoon, and that makes them amazing. i asked Adam about our 'our song', and he said Half Light. i always thought of Half Light as our 'our song', but i never thought he did.. it made me happy (: Chris would not shut up about Saw. that man makes me laugh he told me he would paint a heart on my toilet and put a key in my bath then tie me to an office chair and put my head in some massive fuck-ass trap then i'd find a tape telling me to castrate Adam and there'd be a porcelain doll and i was laughing my head off and shitting myself at the same time xD then he said to me and Adam: "psychological trick: next time you have sex, you will think of my face. IT WORKS" then i was at Adam's a while.. but we couldnt finish what we'd started the day before. i mean, i kept thinking off mashed ducks and Saw and CHRIS'S FACE and it was major turn-off. and anyway Adam was upset. it was all my stupid fault.. i scared him. i've always been a fucking pussy, it's who i am. i couldnt get over this tree the other day.. it was embarrassing. i cant even throw up without bricking it. so i was going on about having a panic attack and overdoing my emetophobia and saying i'd die.. i wasnt even going to throw up. i just wanted attention and to be entertaining. i just wanted to be interesting.. i've got to learn to SHUT THE FUCK UP. i can control my emetophobia i've got to stop being such a weak, pathetic pussy. 'cause that was the lowest i've ever seen Adam, and it was all. my. fault.. but today was insanely BETTER. as i said to Geo; 'good things come in threes'. take that as literally as you will. i was well proud of myself.. lol. i kicked major ass in tae kwon-do this evening, 'cause i was just thinking "after that, i can do ANYTHING :D" METAPOD!! my GOD that was funny. me + Adam were playing Pokemon at some point, (yeah we are that cool) and he caught a Metapod and its only moves were Harden, Tackle and String Shot.. AND MY GOD WE'RE DIRTY CHILDREN XD XD XD and then he was taking the piss and said the Metapod was the same colour as my zit :( :( yeah i had a zit but its gone now! we went to Whippy's after we finished (Kirsty was there too, legend kid) and he gave me this metal tool thing that gets rid of zits. AND IT WORKED i mean i'd been trying to pick that thing off all day, but this weapon of sorts did it in half a second i was WOW yay. then we were sat in the office talking to peeps on msn.. Whippy was logged in as Kirsty and getting her into shit xD and i was sat on Adam, and it was just like that fateful Sunday (: (: (: good times that got better and better.. (:

i feel sick. i've been feeling sick since last night. i have to remind myself that there are far worse things that could happen. i just really dont want to see my dad tonight. i turned to Jamie for help something like this happened to him before he said that it would probably be ok in a few days. i hope so. it usually is. ah well. thats the price i pay for being an idiot. took a walk in the hail this morning. then he took me in his arms and told me he loved me. and i couldnt stop crying.. i wish i could explain it. i wish i hadnt eaten that toast. i want to empty my stomach.. im going out later. no matter how sick i feel. i want to get out of this house. and i have to see him again before tomorrow. half 7. its a plan.