things are looking up again for a second i almost let it fall but i stopped=] i was really tired today which made things kinda suck like i kept tripping over myself and i said 'my messings really writy' and i could not be stuffed acting in musical musical has been crap anyway we never do anything and when we do it's always this one scene that i hate cuz i suck at it and we've done it like 50 TIMES! anyway i'm also supposed to find dance shoes but i don't know anybody who dances with size 10 feet.... oh well screw that i'm mad at my teacher i have nothing to do.

- School tomorrow. Yay. -_- I can't decide what to wear [which version of myself to be] Today was good i didn't think too much just shopped and danced and cooked and looked at myself in the mirror sad, but fun. I have really random clothes and some days i'll dress all sophisticated but then some days i just want to wear black and then sometimes i want to be cute and some days i wanna be gangsta and sometimes i just throw on whatever i can find. does that indicate that i have no sense of self?

before it begins Holidays are over in two days. dammit. I hate the last few days of hols,,, cuz i just spend the whole time trying to make the time go slower, and not really doing anything. I slept at my friends place last night. it was good but whenever we stay together we always end up on msn and certain people always talk to her way more than they would ever talk to me... and it still kinda hurts. But it's ok It's not as bad as it used to be. She loves talking about them though and sometimes i wish she had other things to talk about other than people those people. I think the real reason i feel upset is cuz im tired i guess. i hate when i first wake up cuz i'm so delerious and my brain goes about 50 times slower or maybe it just seems that way... my nails look like dinosaurs i would really like to make some good friends. more good friends... like i have friends and everything but we kinda just do random stuff together i dunno what i'm looking for but something more.. people who have are lacking a life as much as i am so that i can just do stuff with them instead of them always having stuff to do or not being bothered it's probably my problem anyway. I want to find my niche with people who make me feel like i'm enough as i am AND that i like but why talk to someone quiet when you could talk to someone loud? thats how they must see it. i see it as rejection. lol im not in the mood to be serious and depressing yet i am pointless much? [it helps]

Tired.

This world may be kind But the real world is more satisfying. I don't want to be held down by anything addiction dependance desperation. so i won't be. hope. love. peace. they are always there but you have to choose to accept them. don't fool yourself into thinking it's all make believe. it's there don't wait for it take it.

Sorry honey, but i think it's about time someone told you. Fucking everything is not going to help! You're gonna have to find some other way of dealing with it.

I need a hero. sick of your name sick of your voice i wish i could leave but you've left me no choice don't let yourself go don't let yourself go don't let yourself go it's amazing how lost you can get in yourself.

there's no escaping the truth there's no mistaking it's you and it would be all good if only you saw it too... i admire your guts i admire them because it's everything i wish i could do but i can't it's too late for me. how can it be too late? you've only just begun. but i've lost the motivation. and back then i lacked direction now i have it, i can't follow through. I'm scared. I'm scared ok? Afraid. Fearful. Anxious. Frightened. Terrified. Please don't let it stop me. I will do great things. But it's always i will i never am what can i do? now? Get off my backside and help.

I can't face it because i'm afraid i'll embrace it i'm afraid i'll be punished for what i always believed could be stopped but that i won't be able to stop it. is that fair? is it really a choice? or fate. should i fear my fate? What is in store for me. for you. for us? or will i live out this life alone with only my anxieties to keep me company. or 27 cats... I made myself stop worrying because it is not the time not relevant yet but i'm just worrying more than ever in a different way. AND i still have nothing to say.

but its all good because i remembered. it sounds exadurated and probably is since i've been watching lots of movies but i can feel again and not feel bad. hard to explain. meaningless to anyone else.